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To expect my friend's DH not to be 'dating' so soon after her death?

(207 Posts)
Ummm Fri 26-Sep-08 14:59:04

My friend died back in April. Recently her dh has been spending a lot of time going out with his mates and chatting up women. There is one woman that he has been seen having dinner with and I also saw them together with the children in town.
I feel like this is disrespectful to my friend, she passed away just less than 6 months ago.
I wouldn't say anything to him, she wasn't my best mate and I don't know him particularly well but I still feel that it's wrong somehow. Is it too soon? Can he really be ready to move on already?

Fimbo Fri 26-Sep-08 15:00:05

Give the poor man a break - he is probably lonely. It really is none of your business what he does.

misdee Fri 26-Sep-08 15:00:36

its really not your business.

he could be ready to date/socialise again

he could just be dipping his toes in.

WigWamBam Fri 26-Sep-08 15:01:43

Being "seen having dinner" and "seen together" doesn't mean they are dating - isn't he allowed friends?

GordonTheGardenGnome Fri 26-Sep-08 15:02:05

It is entirely normal for him to seek out meaningful relationships and comfort when he has been through what he has.

There is no right length of time, no way to grieve and no way to behave that is what you are 'supposed' to do.

He is not replacing his wife/your friend, he is managing/coping in his own way.

You are being thoroughly unreasonable.

2point4kids Fri 26-Sep-08 15:02:18

Definitely give him a break, poor guy.
Everyone reacts in different ways and is able to move on at different times.
Best thing to do is be supportive and there in case he needs someone to talk to.

Twelvelegs Fri 26-Sep-08 15:03:00

Can you imagine how lonely he is?

TheProvincialLady Fri 26-Sep-08 15:03:02

You can't be disrespectful to someone who is dead. She doesn't care, she is dead. What counts is how this poor man is feeling, not you projecting your feelings onto your late friend. I can see how it would be hard for you to understand but it is none of yur business.

RubySlippers Fri 26-Sep-08 15:03:03

maybe they are just friends

maybe they are dating

maybe it is good for him to have some company - he may be very lonely

Ummm Fri 26-Sep-08 15:04:03

I know it's none of my business. I already said I wouldn't say anything to him or anything like that. It just seems so soon. They were together 10 years. I guess I'm just surprised that he is ready to find someone else when it seems like only yesterday she was round my house having a coffee and a lark about.

TheProvincialLady Fri 26-Sep-08 15:04:10

Sorry I see that my post came across in a mean way and I didn't intend that. You must be mourning the loss of your friend and I am very sorry.

RubySlippers Fri 26-Sep-08 15:05:32

those are your feelings tho ...

there are no right or wrong ways to grieve

when we made our wills i said to DH that he SHOULD find someone else and not to be on his own should anything happen to me (but i plan to be with him for a very long time smile)

perhaps they have had a similar conversation

lulabellarama Fri 26-Sep-08 15:07:07

People react very differently to grief. Some bottle it up and othersbreak down. Nobody is 'right' or 'wrong'.
5 months is a long time to be hibernating from the world, give the guy a break, it might be just what he needs.

falcon Fri 26-Sep-08 15:07:13

I suppose it does seem a little soon to you, I can understand why.I have heard of people who've dated in 3 weeks which is shock

However if I passed away I wouldn't care how quickly my s/o began to date again. Grieving is the most awful pain and if anything or anyone could ease that pain for my family I'd be delighted.

Really if all the grieving and pain could be over in a day, that's what I'd want for them, not that I'd want to be forgotten, but I'd like things to get back to normal asap for them, rather than having that constant weight of grief and loss on one's shoulders.

MascaraOHara Fri 26-Sep-08 15:08:08

I think it's fine for him to be dating 6months after (assuming he is)

There will always be a place in his heart for your wife and I'm sure him and the children miss her dearly, however he is still alive and should feel free to move on.

I hope he has his head straight for the childrens sake but assuming he does I think you should be happy for him that he has not fallen apart.

In a funny way I wonder if it is easier to move on after a death rather than a divorce because you can look back and know you had something good.. rather than breaking your heart over what went wrong etc

People have different ways of dealing with loss

vjg13 Fri 26-Sep-08 15:10:46

I think when you have lost someone it can be even more important to realize that life is for living and we all need to have that happiness when we can.

Bucharest Fri 26-Sep-08 15:12:13

Sorry for you- but yes, I'm afraid YABU.
Poor man.

Countingthegreyhairs Fri 26-Sep-08 15:12:47

Ummmm - I've experienced something similar within my family and it's a natural feeling I think, to feel how you do out of loyalty to the person who is no longer with us...BUT

... grief hits people in all sorts of different ways; some people need to go out and be constantly with others, some want to be alone; this may be the only way he knows of dealing with his loss

and you never know what goes on in someone else's mind - his dating of other women might be something totally separate in his own mind to his relationship/loyalty to his late wife ... after all, I'm sure she would want him to be as happy as possible and get on with his life however painful the situation ...

....and, as I think Nigella Lawson said, you can't predict WHEN you are going to fall in love again ...it might be four years later, never, or very shortly after your other half's death ....

it's probably sensible not to make any serious decisions about your life less than six months to a year after a bereavement, particularly when there are dc involved, but each to their own ....and good luck to them ...

TheHedgeWitch Fri 26-Sep-08 15:14:02

Message withdrawn

ScottishMummy Fri 26-Sep-08 15:33:10

the man has lost a partner, he needs support not tsks and tuts that he might be moving on

people deal with grief in differnt ways. maybe the comapany of someone who likes him may be a solace after what he has experienced

what would be dreadful would be an adult man caving in,becoiming demotivated,sad and lonely.morbidly preoccupied by his loss

grief has no set path or particular path.we all experience it differently

a friend i loved died, i coped by going out, getting drunk, talking about it.by no menas did it lessen the awful pain but yes it helped to be distracted

IfYouDidntLaughYoudCry Fri 26-Sep-08 15:34:56

It doesn't mean that he is over his grief. He may go home every evening and break his heart alone but as long as he is doing whatever helps him then I can see no reason to judge him. Everybody does things differently.

PoppyFox Fri 26-Sep-08 15:47:53

YANBU. If he is close to a female friend, then that's one thing. But going out socialising and flirting openly with other women and looking for dates and female company... well if it were my sister's widower it would make me see red.

"The funeral baked meats doth coldly furnish forth the marriage tables" as Hamlet said when his ma married his uncle grin

snigger Fri 26-Sep-08 15:49:00

My best friends dad married again six months after his wife died - HOWEVER, his wife died of protracted cancer and they spent a long time aware she wouldn't live and the whole family grieved and 'moved on' (hate that term, but there's no real alternative) faster than was perhaps socially acceptable.

To each their own, grieve your friend xxx

Megglevache Fri 26-Sep-08 15:49:51

Ummmm
Sounds like you're having a hard time coming to terms with your friend's death.

anniemac Fri 26-Sep-08 15:50:31

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