To dump a needy, stalkerish friend

[memoo]

I know you are probably going to say IABU, because I sound like i'm just being a bitch, But has anyone else ever had a 'friend' who becomes a really cling on?

-phoning 3 times a day, sometimes at 8 in the morning for a chat even when I've said I'm trying to get DC ready for school.

• Turning up without notice at meal times and then not leaving even when she can see that I am putting DC's dinner out. She stands there til I end up having to offering her DC some too because I feel so mean on them.

• She texts me and if I don't reply within a few minutes she texts again asking if I have fallen out with her.

• Turning up at my door at 11 at night because she has had another argument with her DH, and then sitting on my couch til 2 in the morning moaning, even when she knows I have to get up for work the next day.

This sounds awful but the women is so self absorbed, I really need to 'dump' her but don't know how to go about it without hurting her feelings

[Pushpinia]

can you move house?

No really, it is beyond a joke and she sounds dreadfully insensitive.

i think you might need to be quite forthright with this one but it is hard without sounding like the bad guy...

Can you get DH to have a word, or alternatively to answer calls/door to her and say no you are busy/out?

Make an excuse - you suddenly have a full time home working job and can't talk and be very very nice and breezy but FIRM and say 'Oh no, of course we haven';t fallen out! But I cannot talk now! Bye!!!

[PinkyDinkyDooToo]

YANBU. Dump her

[lou031205]

You don't need to dump her, you just need to define your boundaries.

Texts - Just reassure her, once that you don't always pick up your texts immediately, but you will get round to replying when you have a minute.

Phone calls - A breezy "Oh hi, x, you've caught me in the middle of sorting the kids out. Can't talk right now."

Turning up at meal times - Either don't offer her DC a meal, then she will have to take them home to feed them, or say something about how your children need a quiet time at meal times because they have had a busy day.

Turning up at your door - You need to tell her that you can't stay up that late. Give a time when won't entertain. Maybe even get changed into your pjs at say 10pm, then when you answer the door, you can say "actually, I am ready for bed."

[sagacious]

I was going to launch into full AIBU indignation of what a cow you are to be mean to your friend.
But bloody hell
Shes too much hard work

When she texts again to say have you fallen out reply YES

[JuneBugJen]

Lou speaks wisely.

[bloomingfedup]

OMG. She is a vampire. Of course YANBU. She will suck the life out of you. Dump her now. {grin]

[ethanchristopher]

if she calls round your house put your pj's on, backcomb your hair then look really blurry eyed.

or just dont answer the door

[blinks]

I had a friend that did similar nonsense also... I tried to cool it off a bit but found she just got even needier. After a 3am phone call about her shitty sodding relationship was the final straw and she was gone. She got the message when I didn't invite her to my wedding a couple of months later. It seems cruel but people like that are energy sapping and life's too short to be miserable. If you see her be polite but cold, she'll twig and find some other sucker to pester...

[WinkyWinkola]

Is there anything about her you like? Once upon a time, did you have fun together?

I'd be frank with her, if you can bear it. Not least for your benefit because people like this often spend ages wondering why they were 'dumped' and get bitter and angry about it and well, they can get nasty as a result. You've got to be firm and fire right between the eyes, so to speak.

I'd tell her straight that for example, the best time to call you is on Wednesday evening at 8pm only.

Do not answer the door at dinner time or after 8pm for that matter. If she queries why, tell her you have so much on your plate at home, you just can't do answer the door or 'phone.

She'll probably scarper anyway once you start putting your foot down. At least you won't feel shit about the way you handled it.

[nickytwotimes]

I had a friend like that.
I tried the re-defining boundaries thing, but it didn't last.
In the end, it was lose her or lose my (limited) sanity.
It may be worth a try at defining the boundaries - that is up to you, if you feel yo uget anything from this relationship. I'm afraid even the kindest 'dump' will hurt her feelings a bit. In my case, I dropped hints but the hints weren't taken. I told her that I felt we had unfortunately grown apart and hadn't much in common any more. It was awful, but also a relief.

[Janos]

Having just read OP, I can say with certainty that you are NOT being a bitch and also YANBU.

Have you tried hinting, or failing that 'telling it straight' (far easier siad than done I know)?

She may not realise how inappropriate she is being and be mortified.

[DustyTv]

YANBU Memoo I can sympathise with your situation, before I went on mat leave at my old office we used to have a lady working with us like that. She was quite new and TBH I think a lot of it came to nerves. But she was so distracting it was hard enough to do enough work there anyway as we were soooooo busy but to have someone talking and chatting all day long was awful.

She was a really nice person though, so I just put up with it knowing that I would soon be on mat leave.

[DustyTv]

OMG So sorry, wrong thread, I meant to post on a different thread. Sorry

[wessexgirl]

Oh God, I would absolutely HATE this.

I would try and sort it out by having a quiet word, though, before dumping as a last resort.

[LouMacca]

YANBU. Sounds like a nightmare. Try and speak to her about it but she sounds like an all or nothing friend to me.

We met a couple on holiday a few years ago who came from the same area as us. We got on really well on the holiday and exhanged details. It was fine for the first couple of months but then she would not leave me alone.

She would constantly ring up or turn up at the house. Once she left 4 message on our answerphone within the space of half an hour. We changed our number. We moved house to another area (we were moving anyway honest!) and I just never gave her our new address.

Even now I dread bumping into her somewhere!!

Good Luck.

[memoo]

dusty

Thanks for the replies, I did really use to like her, I know she has a lot of problems and I have tried to help and support her but now she is wearing me now and its also starting to cause tension between me a DP.

It is actually starting to get me down, every time the phone rings I'm filled with dread in case its her.

I have tried backing off gentlely but she just gets even worse, so as harsh as it sounds I'm going to have to try and ignore her calls as suggested i'll have to ignore the door or get dp to answer.

Thanks again for the advice

[electra]

It's not on for her to behave this way -- crikey - you must be a saint to have put up with the story so far. A friendship should be a two-way thing, not one person sucking all the life out of the other. Put her on extinction! If she texts - don't text back.

[snowleopard]

I've done it too. It was when we both had our first babies, but she wasn't with the father - I met her at antenatal and she latched onto me big time. All that stuff - turning up late at night - with the baby - wanting to talk and do stuff together all the time, texting and emailing and demanding replies, and she would endlessly ask stuff like did I think she was pretty - I just wanted to focus on my DS and it wore me out. I tried nicely suggesting we do less, but she would just turn up. In the end I dumped her by text - yes harsh but if I talked to her face to face she would just wear me down and get so self-pitying and not leave me alone. I said "I'm sorry, I don't have time for this at the moment and I would prefer not to see you, I am too busy with DS."

I do feel bad but people like that push you until you have no choice but to hurt them. That's how they manage to manipulate and hang onto people, by using guilt.

[StealthPolarBear]

"every time the phone rings I'm filled with dread in case its her."
What kind of phone do you have? Our cordless (but fairly cheap) phone will let you have different rings for different callers.

[StealthPolarBear]

that made me sound liek a right snob
What I meant was we don't have some amazing telecoms system at home - it's justa normal cordless but if you dig around a bit there are loads more options than I realised a normal house phone would have

[Clure]

Sympathies. My DH had a friend with a situation very similar. Turned my DH into a nervous wreck. This friend was also suffering mental health issues (not that I'm saying your friend is) but it sapped DH. He tried the softly softly approach but the only thing that worked was direct and honest. However hard this is sometimes it's the only way to achieve a result

[memoo]

Thats a really good idea polarbear, I'll have to have a look at ours and see if it does the same

[Charlee]

I have a friend like this. She is a really nice lady who is feeling really lonley becuase she is new to the area, hence i befriended her and now she calls me up about 8 times a day and sometimes is on the phone for up to 2hrs!

I won't be dumping her though as like i said she is quite insecure and lonley and finds hard meeting friends with her 2 dc's in tow.

If she calls at an unconvenient time i do very quickly say 'Oh hello X how nice to hear from you, i'm just doing X so can't talk, do you mind if i phone you later?'

And i do it quickly before she gets a chance to start a conversation.

But ob the other hand, if she started turning up at my house at all times of the day ect, i would clearly state the bounderies with her and if she didn't get the message i would dump her.