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to be pissed off with my DP?

(44 Posts)
MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 08:41:40

This is about car sharing.

I have recently returned to work following maternity leave. DS is in nursery 3 days a week, this is in the same building as me. DP works the other side of town so passes my work and the nursery on his way.

He is technically supposed to start at 8, but he is a contractor, paid by the hour, on a timesheet, so it is not so rigid. That said, everyone else leaves his work at 4 so he can't really stay later than that - nor would he want to. I might add that losing 1.5 hours pay a week is not noticable or a problem.

Public transport is not an option as the stop we live by, buses fly past not letting others on, and certainly not someone with a pushchair - they are full by this point.

Walking is lovely in theory but that's 30 minutes - I am sure you can all appreciate how hard losing 30 minutes of your morning would be.

So we decided for now that he would drop us off on his way - at 8am - and this has naturally been making him a bit late.

But he was late before!

What bothers me is that instead of working on a solution, or even god forbid explaining to his workmates that temporarily (I am here to fulfill my contract and not sure if I will stay beyond that) he will be a bit late for 3 days a week, he just spends these work mornings huffing and puffing around in a bad fucking mood as if the whole thing is my fault.

This morning, I tied my hair up whilst wet, to save time. He said it looked nicer down and would help me straighten it. How lovely, I thought. Ohhhh no. He tuts and sighs and moans and I ask why he bothered, no answer.

He has no time to even smile at DS in the mornings it seems, let alone play with him for five minutes.

We do have our own cars but the only place for me to park is about 10 minutes walk and £6 per day. So I'd have to drop DS off, park, pay, walk back to where I'd just been, and repeat in reverse in the evening.

AIBU to think he needs to sort his attitude out, or come up with a travel solution?

Cappuccino Wed 24-Sep-08 08:49:09

I don't understand why he is late

MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 08:52:10

The nursery doesn't open before 8, so he can't drop us off before then. It takes him 20 minutes to get to work from here. Sometimes longer if the traffic is bad.

My frustration lies in the fact that while I was on ML he was rarely on time or early anyway.

MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 08:53:00

Actually I am just really pissed off with his shitty attitude this morning above all, and his head-in-the-sand attitude about everything.

Moan, and do nothing. Yeah that's constructive.

Cappuccino Wed 24-Sep-08 09:00:34

can't you have a middle ground where you get to nursery 10 mins early and wait around outside, and he gets to work just 10 mins late?

MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 09:02:38

Yes, am happy with that, have even suggested I can wait a bit, it's under cover - he just made vague sounds of disagreement.

The best solution (for DP) would be to change the childcare, find either a nursery or childminder near the house, then I can drop DS off earlier, or drop him off and walk by myself.

But surely that would really unsettle an 11 month old

FabioVicePeeperPlopper Wed 24-Sep-08 09:05:52

I was going to say the same as Cappuccino.

Or if you don't want to hang around outside, he could drop you off 10 minutes' walk from the nursery.

If being late is a problem for his colleagues, then I think you have to lump it. If it makes no difference to anyone else, then your dp could be a little better tempered about it. His ds too, and if you took it in turns to take ds in to nursery at 8am, dp would be even later.

How long does it take to drive from home to nursery/work?

Bettyboobird Wed 24-Sep-08 09:09:45

To be honest I think you may be a little unreasonable.

There's no way my dh would make himself late for work (even if it didn't matter) to drop me and the dc off-especially as I have my own car.

Although maybe I'm a little jaded because I have a 3 hour commute everyday in total and I would LOVE somebody to drive me lol!

MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 09:11:49

The drive from home is not long at all, 10 minutes at the most.

Dropping us off 10 minutes away - that could work too if the weather is nice - and wait under the covered bit when it's bad.

Yes it's that he acts like it's all my problem, he said I don't give a shit what time he gets to work. Yes dear, that's why for the last year you've only done your parenting bit from 5pm to 10pm, that's why you don't get up in the night (even now I am working too) or changed nappies in the morning, I've done all that for a fecking year because I don't care if you're late or not hmm

And... breathe.

Tortington Wed 24-Sep-08 09:13:10

i'd be like - i'm catching the bus - you sort the kid out

Tortington Wed 24-Sep-08 09:14:12

"but i have to drop you at the same place don't be redic" says your dp

aye - but i'll just get miself ready and let you think about childcare for a week.


MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 09:14:40

Betty if I could park for free, or even close enough to make it worth it, I would.

3 hour commute though, ouch.

i do care about him being on time but will admit that I might not see how important it is right now. When we met he had a long commute but had an attitude of 'bugger it' and would often stay for breakfast/have a lay in and turn up 1, even 2 hours late. Different job then but maybe the lack of urgency ever being shown means I am relaxed about it too much? I've always worked flexi-hours but of course want to get here asap and get out asap now we have DS.

RubySlippers Wed 24-Sep-08 09:16:02

i think you feel under appreciated and pissed off

talk to your DP

this issue affects both of you, so you need to tackle it together

would it be the end of the world to take you own car for at least one morning per week - start to look at compromises

MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 09:16:04


you're on - slightest hint of a long face on Monday (I don't work thurs/fri) and I'll do it.

FabioVicePeeperPlopper Wed 24-Sep-08 09:17:31

So you leave at 730am to either walk or so dp gets to work on time.
750am if he drops you there.

Who collects ds from nursery - I'm guessing as dp finishes at 4pm he can collect ds and you work till 5ish?

THinking about it, if it's only 3 days a week and short term, it might be better for you to leave with ds at 730am.

MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 09:18:55

Ruby I'd love to, and now I've been back a few weeks I can organise my workload a bit more (hence on MN blush) - I am going to book as many meetings as I can in the mornings so I can drop DS and drive to meeting building where I can park for FREE, then pay for a shorter stay here in the afternoon.

I guess it is juggling and I'm happy to do that but I think my DP can't see things as flexibly.

I know that he does appreciate what I do, but maybe he is a little forgetful about the lack of night wakings for him and being told that he thinks I don't care about his job hurts a bit, of course I do, it pays the rent and bills.

SoupDragon Wed 24-Sep-08 09:19:44

This is kind of irrelevant, but why would you have to drop your DS off, go and park and then walk back? Surely you can park and then walk with your DS to the nursery.

Agree that the answer would be to drop you off a little early and that he's being kind of unreasonable given that he's not been at work for 8am for ages.

MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 09:23:01

Yes fabio, he leaves at 4, I leave when he gets here.

Today I told him to go and I would walk, he refused! Then moaned the whole way here - is that a bit passive aggressive?

Oh I suppose we are both tired

MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 09:24:28

Soupdragon - yes I see your point. I'd be driving past here to the car park. Dropping him off first would mean no pushchair, which he doesn't like at the moment anyway (walking in, I could bring the giant JAne Slalom thing that he does like)

MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 09:24:45

(but doesn't fit in my car)

beanieb Wed 24-Sep-08 09:27:59

I would walk TBH. Get up a little earlier and walk in.

FabioVicePeeperPlopper Wed 24-Sep-08 09:29:28

So he collects you (and ds) too?

I think you have to compromise somewhere.
split entire nursery drop off and collection 50/50
he always drops you and ds off 10 mins early, he's a bit late to work

Oh, and get an umbrella fold buggy - it will enhance your life.

bubblagirl Wed 24-Sep-08 09:31:10

it sounds like none of you are listening to each other but putting yourselves first

dont argue about it talk about it

in all fairness my dp would not want to be late 20 mins 3 days a week it makes you look unreliable especially if on a site job

he could have been pulled up about this is there a cafe close to where you work could you go there with ds 20 mins early and have coffee

just appreciate each other it is hard with young child it gets resentful and you tend to put your needs above someoen elses been there

we talked and really listened not interupting but allowing person to have there say whether you agree or not its how they feel

once spoken you can resolve can work organise a work permit for parking is ther echeaper car park closer wlk to work you can then take ds for stroll to work from there

and changing nursery for child this young shouldnt be too much of a problem they are pretty accepting at this age good luck compromise is the snswer from both of you

bubblagirl Wed 24-Sep-08 09:31:19


MarlaSinger Wed 24-Sep-08 09:42:16

I have a Chicco unmbrella fold thing, it is fab and light but DS isn't that keen. I think it might be down to getting mobile though, he's taking his first steps and hates being restrained at all.

He picks us up because again he drives past on the way home.

I really don't feel that he is putting himself out, other than being a bit late, which he often is regardless.

In return for this he gets uninterrupted sleep so that he can give work his full attention whilst there, but it's okay for me to get no sleep, get up at the crack of dawn, and walk while he drives past me.

The cafe idea is good, think it is either this, £££ on parking, or like custy said, leave him to sort it out, he is his son too.

bubbla it's taken 5 weeks to settle DS, he loves it now and has built up a real bond with his keyworker - he reaches for her in the morning for a cuddle - I don't know if I could have removing him on my conscience.

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