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To want my sister to have her own bloody baby?!!! Sorry its a long one.

(93 Posts)
lauraloola Tue 23-Sep-08 15:39:32

Ok, before I write this I want you all to know that I am not a ungrateful cow although it does sound like I am....

My sister has a very good job and earns alot of money. She is older then me and is getting married in April. Her dp really wants kids at some point but my sister is not keen - The thought of her going through pregnancy let alone labour is v.scary - She is not good with pain, crying children etc!

Anyway. My dd is now 3mo and my sister is spoiling her rotten. She buys her something every week and has gone mad with Christmas presents for her even though she knows I am going to do a list so our house isnt full of massive toys.

My dp and I do not earn much money, rent a small house already too full and are only buying dd a few things for Christmas - She will be 6mo!

It really feels as though my sister is buying as if its for her own lo. She buys her things to her taste and keeps saying 'im going to buy her this....' The latest on her list is a book case - I have told her several times that we dont have space (We honestly dont) but she says 'well you will move one day for now it can go behind her bedroom door'

What would you do? Get one with it and accept the gifts? Am I being an ungrateful cow?

justkeepswimming Tue 23-Sep-08 15:42:22

you could get her to get a piggy bank (those ones you have to break to get the money out are good, can't remember their name) and every time she thinks of buying something, put the money in the pot instead.
at christmas/birthdays break the pot - put the money in your dds account/buy her an ISA, etc.

and every christmas/birthday find a 'pricier than you would buy' present you DO want dd to have and ask your sis early on to get that?

envy tho!

MorningTownRide Tue 23-Sep-08 15:42:54

YABU and ungrateful.

Although the bookcase is OTT. Some books first perhaps?

BlingLovin Tue 23-Sep-08 15:49:31

Mmm.. you could be my sister in law, talking about my sister...

I often wonder if SIL feels the way you do. my sister has a habit of spending a lot of money on SIL's children and it can get uncomfortable. I don't think ABU but I don't know that there's a way to stop it?

I like Justkeepswimming's suggestion - tell her that as money is tight, you're really grateful, but it would be great to use the money for savings for school or whatever?

ImNotOnline Tue 23-Sep-08 15:52:09

MTR - Ungrateful? So she should have her house filled with shite she doesn't want and be happy about it? hmm

OP - YANBU

Mutt Tue 23-Sep-08 15:53:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dominion Tue 23-Sep-08 15:55:21

Sell it on ebay.

Saturn74 Tue 23-Sep-08 15:56:31

I'd just see it as her being a doting aunt.

Combustiblelemon Tue 23-Sep-08 15:57:23

Your DD's 3 months old and she's buying her a bookcase? I think that it's time for ground rules. Maybe Christmas and birthday presents, but apart from that cash for her Trust Fund?

StayFrosty Tue 23-Sep-08 15:59:03

yab a bit u, I understand it must be annoying, but to say she should 'have her own bloody baby'? So what if she prefers being an auntie instead of a mum for now? tis kind of rude to pass comment on other people's choice to have children or not imo.

You're your dd's mummy and all the presents in the world couldn't uproot you from your special positon in the centre of her little world. So smile, say thanks, and maybe even circle stuff in catalogues and leave em lying around if you want to be super cheeky grin

zazen Tue 23-Sep-08 15:59:31

Cynically, you know maybe your sister is right not to have kids herself. She doesn't seem to have many boundaries or be able to listen...
I would accept the pressies when they're coming and e-bay the lot. wink

She probably will have kids herself, and then you'll be lucky to get a book token!!! grin

mrsgboring Tue 23-Sep-08 16:05:26

YANBU - when is it okay to buy unsolicited furniture for a gift?

Can you suggest she keeps a few things at her house for when your DD visits?

It does sound like she hasn't a clue if she thinks in a small house it doesn't matter to "just" put a bookcase behind the door. It's a v. awkward situation.

Probably it doesn't help to think of her as trying to experience motherhood through your DD - she may just be really excited and trying to be generous.

lauraloola Tue 23-Sep-08 16:14:34

Thanks for your comments.

She tells me everytime she gives something 'that had better not end up on Ebay' and will sometimes check that I still have things!!

The main 2 things at the moment other then the bookcase are - She wants to do dd a stocking for Christmas and she wants to buy her a massive wooden advent calender with little boxes that you fill with goodies. I have told her that I am going to do her a stocking and that we dont have space for a wooden advent calender.

Both comments have gone in one ear and out the other - She emails me links to the things she finds!

I just seems as though she is buying for dd what she would for her own child.

yomellamoHelly Tue 23-Sep-08 16:20:20

I would return it whence it came and use the vouchers for something else maybe at later dates if nothing grabs your eye now. Have actually done this before wink. When we received these gifts I did say we had no space, didn't think they were appropriate etc. etc and was ignored, so don't feel guilty for doing it. I don't think the person in question believed I would do it and he's never asked even how ds enjoyed these ott purchases.

Whoopee Tue 23-Sep-08 16:21:49

I don't think it's fair to be called ungrateful at all. It sounds extremely frustrating.

If someone buys you things they know you need and want and can't afford, that's generosity.

If they don't listen to you and buy you things that they like, they're just feeding an addiction to shopping.

I wouldn't want anyone spoiling my daughter rotten. It's hard enough having to mete out discipline and reward good behaviour without someone else bursting in with presents just for the sake of it.

If your sister won't stop buying stuff, do what we do in our overstuffed house and give stuff to charity. We have a cull of the toy cupboard two or three times a year. Nothing wrong with that: you can't be expected to keep every single teddy for ever and ever.

If she is genuinely devoted to your daughter, that's wonderful: she can babysit for you!

lauraloola Tue 23-Sep-08 16:25:52

She gets bored of her very easily at the moment. If she cries she hands her back to me. My sister is better when they are older - She has already told me she is going to take her to Disney Land Paris when she is 4!!

She is a teacher in a very good private school and we had a huge argument when I was pregnant as she said all of the public schools near us turn children into smoking chavs and that hers will go to private schools!

Its her birthday tomorrow and I have been 'told' that my dd needs to give her a card with Auntie on! Im not going to as I already have her a card!

God, I am having a rant today. I am just getting sick of her spoiling her. When she is older is going to be worse and I want to stop it now but she will not listen. My mum thinks I am being ungrateful and should just say thank you!

StayFrosty Tue 23-Sep-08 16:28:38

I totally rescind my 'yab a bit u' Lauraloola, it sounds like your sister is doing it for herself rather than you/your dd, and she is not respecting the things you're telling her. Still not sure she is acting from misplaced maternal instinct, could just be bossy big sister syndrome grin

StayFrosty Tue 23-Sep-08 16:30:45

...have you any more siblings? Maybe her excessive auntieness will get diluted? Tell your mum if that's what she thinks, she can keep all the stuff at her house for your dd to play with when she is round there.

lauraloola Tue 23-Sep-08 16:32:08

I dont know what it is. I think she would like children but she doesnt want the pain of labour, the pregnancy or the sleepless nights. She says as much all the time!

I just dont know how I can stop her. I have asked her nicely. I have tried to be blunt but nothing works.

Maybe I should have a word with her dp??

SpandexIsMyEnemy Tue 23-Sep-08 16:32:36

I| don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I think perhaps you need to redefine the boundry issues here.

I wonder if when you were kids/growing up did you & your sister share most things? maybe now she feels you should 'share' your dd?

gothicmama Tue 23-Sep-08 16:35:29

just a thought but is it possible your sis is struggling to conceive and therefore it is importnat to her being an auntie

Slickbird Tue 23-Sep-08 16:38:45

NO! YANBU! I think she really needs to back off. This is not just about a doting aunt, this is about someone trying to fill a void they feel in their own life. Why should you be grateful for having someone decide what they buy your daughter on a WEEKLY basis, including furniture - and the fact that she is checking to see if you still have it and telling you not to sell it means she KNOWS that what she is doing is over the top. It's your house, if you don't have the space, nor the want - it isn't good in the long run to be spoiling her as the bairn will just come to expect it and will quickly disregard the stuff she's already been given - then tell her so, and I'd tell her how this is making you feel. It might appear on the surface to others that she is being generous, but this is more uncomfortable and I think there are other issues here. Stick to your guns love!

Sazisi Tue 23-Sep-08 16:39:55

You are not being unreasonable; she is trying to have a child through you and that would piss me off.
Doing YOUR child's Christmas stocking? Tell her she can feck off (okay, sorry I'm getting a bit erm prescriptive here - having a bad day and getting irate on your behalf blush)
Seriously though, it's like she's trying to steal the fun stuff about parenting from you without having to go through any of the sacrifice!

lauraloola Tue 23-Sep-08 16:42:39

She is 3 years older then me so we shared a room until I had had enough and moved out!

She has had the implant in her arm so that there is no way she can get pregnant!

I just dont know what to do. She was awful when I was pregnant and really upset on a few occasions - Once she picked up one of my pregnancy mags and started joking about all of the bad things that can happen. But then on the other hand she did buy us the car seat and moses basket which we would have struggled to buy. Ahhhhh!!!

lauraloola Tue 23-Sep-08 16:43:36

The stocking thing has really pissed me off too Sazisi. I just know it would be bigger and better then the one I will get dd.

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