Another MIL Bashing...but I don't think I am!

[squilly]

WARNING...This is long....

My MIL has always been a bit of a charmer. I had to post a while ago to seek advice on how to deal with her poison after she'd called my 7 year old dd monkey legs (cos she's got hairy legs ).

I thought we'd sorted this out. I told DH to talk to her in the sternest terms and he said MIL wasn't happy, but then she wasn't going to be, was she? SHE wasn't happy?! Still..I let it lie because my dd loves her nany and vice versa.

Anyway...now dd has come back from a weekend at MIL's saying, 'why does nanny not like you mummy'. I smiled and said, why do you think nanny doesn't like me sweetie? only to find that mil'd moaned and grumbled, then ranted and raved and slammed her bedroom door about me after I'd left. SIL was at house too, so not neglectful, but a tad dramatic, doncha think?

There had been tension when I dropped dd off cos DD had been poorly and MIL, just for a change, had been giving advice repeatedly and very forcefully. I had played it down for about half an hour, but finally, I said, I think I'd better go and left. I was clearly winding her up by not accepting everything she said and she was clearly getting more cross!

I left rather than cause a scene in front of my girl. Clearly that's a consideration his Mum wouldn't make.

Am I being unreasonable to not want dd to go see mil so often? At the moment dd goes once a week for a whole day, sometimes overnight.

I know I'm lucky to have is kind of support on hand, but the cost is getting too high. Every few weeks there's some kind of trauma and I'm managing to play it down right now..

Should I:-

a) Tell SIL that dd is coming home and reporting everything MIL says, so she should be more careful?

b) Stop dd going to the house so often, to reduce the amount of time she's in this environment

c) Pop something in MIL's tea, plead ignorance when she keels over did and look forward to a life of peace and tranquility.

What d'you reckon???

[Upwind]

b) just reduce contact so your MIL has less of an influence

[LuLuBai]

Option (c) obviously sounds very tempting.

But....

Option (a) is probably a good idea in the first instance, progressing to option if SIL has no influence (b). (Is SIL her daughter or the partner of another son?)

I don't get on with my MIL and we don't speak anymore. DD still sees her though. DH takes her round there for the day at least once a month. I think we are both happier not seeing each other and DD isn't affected.

[Upwind]

a) might just make them warn/bribe your DD not to tell you about their badmouthing

[Kewcumber]

c) obviously

[ForeverOptimistic]

b)

[DaphneMoon]

Definately a) She might be quite embarrassed to know that your DD has repeated things. You could say it in a roundabout way to your SIL so that she can tell your MIL. If that fails then go for plan c)!

[Lowfat]

a, b and c



I have a crappy MIL and in her case she is incapable of looking after my children!

[VinegarTits]

c) i'm all for a quiet life

[squilly]

Thanks. I didn't think I was bu, except maybe for option c, though that looks more attractive as every year our marriage endures

SIL is MIL's daughter. It's a small family, MIL, SIL and DH. They don't have much contact with cousins, etc, cos MIL doesn't like any of them. In fact, take that assumption through to everyone in the universe, except for Cliff Richards and Russel Watson. That's why they're a bit tricky to get on with!

Option (a) was my reasonable option. (b) is the one I want to take up. (c) is my fallback if the first two fail.

GAWD my MIL drives me nuts!

[squilly]

LOL VinegarTits. So is DH. Maybe he can do it for me

[more]

I would go for "b".

If you go for "a" then they might start taking it out on your dd as well.

[squilly]

TheHedgewitch...that's my view exactly! I hate old bat of a MIL but I always try to find something positive to say about her in front of dd, cos it's not her row. Even though it chokes me most of the time to fib so outrageously!

DD shouldn't have to deal with this. Only good thing is, she'll probably decide not to go around there herself over the next few years. We'll miss the free time we get, I guess, but at least life will be less turbulent...

[Elasticwoman]

Squilly, I would speak to MIL direct. Tell her that dd is repeating things MIL says and asking "why doesn't Nanny like you?" and that if this continues you will have to keep dd away from her. MIL is entitled to think what she likes of Squilly, but not to badmouth her to Squilly's dd, if she wants to continue to see dd as often.

This may well be the wake up call MIL needs, to remind her that dd can hear and repeat conversations. If she continues to sound off in front of dd, carry out your threat.

[Brangelina]

My grandmother always used to badmouth my mother to me, to the extent she often made my younger sister cry. I used to keep a lot of it from my mum as I thought it would upset her. It was a heavy burden for an 11yo though and an unecessary source of stress. It also made me dislike my GM and dread going there.

I'd go for option b). It's the option I'd have liked when I was your DD's age.

[cali]

Wouldn't the world be a far nicer place without poisonous MIL's?

I would go for option b) and tell her why.

Good luck!

[WinkyWinkola]

No way should you allow your DCs to be with someone who is poisonous about you behind your back.

I'd speak to your MIL and say, "If you have an issue with me, tell me to my face. Do not upset my children by going on about me in front of them. It is not a responsible thing to do. Am I making myself clear?"

I reckon it's one of those times you've got to assert yourself.

[squilly]

I feel a bit mean going for option b) partly because dd is the only grandchild and is going to remain that way. Also, dd has only one other grandparent, my mum, and she's 70 miles away And despite the insanity dd loves madnanny (as she's lovingly known in the squilly household) though how much longer that will last with current acrimony, who can say?

I like the direct approach with things usually Elasticwoman, but wonder whether trying to sort it direct with a woman with two ears and no brain would be a bit of a waste of breath. MIL won't listen...she'll deny she said anything...she'll blame it on dd, saying she's making things up (when I know she wouldn't...why would she fgs?); she'll possibly even blame me for being off with her in the first place, so then we'll end up rowing.

Oh, like you say Cali, wouldn't the world be a far nicer place....

I'm just off for 150 mile trip round to my mums for a bit of sanity and the chance to mull over the options.

I might ring MIL tomorrow...or sil...or maybe just the samaritans. I'll check back here first though see what the magnificent mumsnet majority thinks.

[squilly]

Winkywola...now I feel like I should ring straight away or I'm being a bad parent to little squill. Why is it always the little, daft things like this that drive us totally nuts and give us tons of grief???

Blardy MILS! I can't wait til I am one, so I can wereak my rewengie...

[Jux]

You need to be certain that if you talk to MIL she doesn't start involving your dd in 'secret keeping' iyswim. Personally I wouldn't bother talking to MIL about it I'd just curtail visits.

[worley]

we called my mil madnanny*** too!!!!

by bil started it and it stuck. she died last dec so i dont have to deal with such things anymore (is it really bad of me that i want to put a grin, shes not here and still manages to cause troublewith dp and bil!)

[yomellamoHelly]

a and b - lessening off on severity of b for good behaviour if the lesson is learnt

[cali]

Could you plant a bug on dd?

Let her visit mil, keep your fingers crossed that mil says something that you manage to pick up.

Question her about what she has been saying about you to dd.

If she denys it, play back whatever you have recorded and watch her try to get out of it.

[iheartdusty]

your MIL is very out of order

but does it really help to refer to her as madnanny? What is your DD meant to make of that, if she hears her grandmother being badmouthed at home and her mother being badmouthed away from home?

[purpleduck]

agree with dusty

I think you should..
d)Have dh drop off dd, with a stern word to his mother NOT to badmouth HIS WIFE

Honestly, what is it with men and their mothers that they can't have an adult conversation with them??