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to stick my fingers up at my MIL behind the door?

(19 Posts)
Mashingmummy Mon 22-Sep-08 22:07:44

Before everyone starts saying im being far too sensitive, I CANT HELP THE WAY I FEEL!!! I could just scream and cry as I get so frustrated and annoyed at her.
Before she found out we were expecting I had been with dh for 10 years. MIL and I got on brillantly, she treats me justs like her other daughter (which i think could be the problem).
It all started when she firstly wanted to be involved with the naming of our baby. And every name we mentioned she disliked and made it quite clear. She then started saying when the baby was born I had to share, 50 - 50!! I used to just laugh this off.
I breastfed baby for 4 months, MIL used to look over my shoulder when I was feeding, so I started going into a bedroom if they were at ours or I was at theirs but she would come in and watch, she would even lean down and kiss babys head whilst I was feeding!!!!!!!!!
Whilst I was on maternity leave she came round every single day at 9am which used to drive me mad!!
Now baby is 8 months old and ive just gone back to work. My mother has dd 1 day and MIL has her for 4 days, I know how lucky we are to have free child care and someone who loves her just as much as we do looking after her but I can help but feel like this. She keeps saying I wish DD could live here premantly, I dont want to go on a 2 week holiday I think we should take dd with us!! Wheres my baby?? Everytime she phones, the 1st thing she says is how is she?? Not Hello!!!

Oh i could just go on and on and on...................................................

spudballoo Mon 22-Sep-08 22:09:53

Urgh, how tricky for you. But, to be honest, you've played right in to that situation by letting her do childcare for 4 days a week.

Mashingmummy Mon 22-Sep-08 22:10:46

I know but how can u tell a grandma I dont want u to look after dd, that would break her heart!!

Ronaldinhio Mon 22-Sep-08 22:12:32

love the picture of her kissing your dc whilst you are breast feeding
yanbu

cali Mon 22-Sep-08 22:13:50

YANBU, she would drive me absolutely insane with that behaviour.

Your dd is your baby and not hers. Can your dh speak to his mum about this?

I realise it is difficult as she helps out with childcare but most grandparents are relieved when parents return home, well mine are at least and they "only" look after dds' for 1 day per week.

Feel free to go on and on, I always enjoy a good mil bashinggrin or even better step mil's!!

liath Mon 22-Sep-08 22:14:37

It's very hard BUT if you have another baby you'll probably value her help a lot more so it's probably worth trying to keep the peace for now. I was hugely territorial with dd and a MIL like yours would have been an utter nightmare but when I had ds I just grabbed help where I could and generally felt a lot less possessive of him.

So - bite your tongue and flick the odd v-sign at her clucking retreating back....grin

morningpaper Mon 22-Sep-08 22:15:59

YANBU

although I have kissed feeding babies, is that BAD? blush

bloomingfedup Mon 22-Sep-08 22:16:45

yabu. You are letting her mind your child 4 days a week for free - you can't moan. Wanting your cake and eating springs to mind.

I'll be honest with you one of the main reasons for me deciding not to go back to work recently was how involved my mum wanted to be with dd2. (She would have been doing childcare). She wanted to be scarily involved. I have now decided not to go back to work until dd2 starts school.

You have played right into her hands. Single White Female springs to mind. shock

LynetteScavo Mon 22-Sep-08 22:18:15

I would want to strangle her with my bare hands!

The only thing stopping me would be the thought of not having free, childcare from someone who loves your child as much as you do.

You are not being too sensitive, and I wish you luck and patience.

PootyApplewater Mon 22-Sep-08 22:19:44

Your DD is lucky to have so many people doting on her.
Your MIL spends a lot of time with your DD, so although her comments are tactless, it is good that she is so fond of her.
I'd bite my tongue in exchange for 4 days free childcare, tbh.

Ronaldinhio Mon 22-Sep-08 22:21:14

no not bad just the image of her lurking around and then swooping in for the kiss
sorry it just mad me laugh but not necessarily in a good way
poor op

NOgirlsallowed Mon 22-Sep-08 22:22:42

You can tell her because your her mother and she`s the grandma! Have a similar problem with my mil. She whips ds2 out of his pushchair without even so much as mentioning to me (at ds1 party for example at a park). She just whisked him off and disapeared with him over a bridge without even mentioning it. I noticed the empty pram and went into a blind panic until someone mentioned what had happenend. My mum noticed it and commented that she would never ever do that! Anyway when ds1 was a baby she offered to look after him while I go back to work as she'd seen how much her friend enjoyed having her dgc. She literally had the whole week planned out and I had never even suggested to her that I may go back!! Anyway I am a sahm and intend to stay that way for the timebeing but feel asking grandparents to do childcare just complicates things iyswim!

findtheriver Mon 22-Sep-08 22:25:03

Agree with spud. There have been so many similar threads before. If you are going to let your MIL look after your baby 4 days a week unpaid I'm afraid you'll end up feeling obliged to do things her way and go along with things you're not happy with.
You ask how you would tell her you don't want her looking after your child.
Simple.
Explain that you want her to be a grandparent, and to love spending time with your child without it being a formal 4 day a week arrangement. Explain that you want your child to be with other little ones, in nursery or whatever, and that it's in no way a criticism, and that you are very happy to spend time with her.
So often these arrangements come with so many strings attached, it's just not worth the aggro.

lilysmummy2007 Mon 22-Sep-08 22:31:50

i was in similar state last year as mil lives 5 mins away and was always over at my house, just trying to take over,sticking her oar in and strangely did the same thing to dd {kissing} whilst i was breastfeeding. YANBU. Im sahm for now but will have to eventually get childcare, but will not be looking to family members for it as it seems to complicate things when it comes to disipline etc.

Onestonetogo Mon 22-Sep-08 22:40:24

Message withdrawn

julienoshoes Mon 22-Sep-08 22:41:03

my sister is in exactly the same position-sixteen years later my mom still dictates things because she has been so involved in looking after my nieces.

Thank goodness I said no and found a job where I could just have a child minder two days a week.

Grandma stayed a much loved 'Grandma' not child carer in charge, which she is at my sisters house. Going to her house or her coming round here is a much loved treat.

YANBU I'd have to find a way out of that situation fast!

MollyCherry Mon 22-Sep-08 23:01:21

Had my mum and MIL helping out with childcare 3 days a week from when DD was 18wks and I went back to work. Got made redundant at the end of June, and as DD has another year at home before school am aiming to be SAHM for the time being (not quitesure how we're going to afford it mind you grin).

If there is any conceivable way you could work less or get some other form of childcare, even for just some of the time, I would strongly recommend it. If you are feeling like this now it will only get harder and harder the older your DD gets, IME.

2beornot2be Tue 23-Sep-08 11:33:35

YANBU do you stick ur fingers up at her alot when she is not looking lol

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