To Threaten My Dh with Serious Consequences If This Behaviour Is Repeated EVER

[Alderney]

Well?.had a run in with DH on Saturday?.

Saturday was a football day, early kick off so I dropped him at the pub for 11 ? game was 12:30 ? 2:45

Now I was having a Pampered Chef party on Saturday night at 7 which he had known about for weeks, and so the deal was that he wouldn?t be too long so that I could still get the dinner made, he could bath and put the girls to be, and I could tidy up and get ready for my friends coming round?

4pm came and went, and I thought I had best check on the internet what time Dave (drinking buddy that he doesn?t actually even like)?s train was back to Elgin ? discovered it was 5:15. Texted DH to find out the plan to be told that he?d be needing picked up ?around 5??..so I said that was quite late for me to fit in everything but I?d be outside the pub engine running bang on 5.

Anyway, picked him up and he was absolutely smashed?.and we are talking about 5pm. Completely incoherent, talking in a ridiculously high pitched voice ? he got the sharp end of my tongue all the way up the road whilst he argued with me that he?d be perfectly able to bath the girls, and how actually it was my fault because he had been dreading these people coming round all week (the plan was that he?d go up the stairs with his laptop, we?d bring him food and he?d never actually see anyone)(he has suffered in the past with depression, anxiety and paranoia and as such really doesn't like socialising with people, esp my friends who he doesn't know that well or particularly like?so he gets to avoid any situations where there might be "people")

We got home and he wouldn?t let me get to DD2 ? he shoved me out of the way and wouldn?t let me get to her car seat to get her out (she was asleep), picked her up so badly (because he was so smashed) that she woke up, I was left in tears having been shoved out of the way and being prevented from getting to one of my children when I thought that she was in danger..

He then came in the house, still arguing he wasn?t drunk and passed out twice before 6pm..!! "Came to" at 6:30 while I was getting changed to have no understanding whatsoever about how it was 6 at night and not 6 in the morning, and then passed out again. I had to get my Mum up to give me a hand so she could get the girls ready for bed while I welcomed the pampered chef lady and my friends.

Surfaced again at around 9:30pm, obviously still believing it was morning, and then appearing downstairs wondering why all these giggly women were sitting around cooking and talking about kitchenware.

He then muttered something to some of my friends about how ?if you want a decent night's sleep he recommends 18 year old Craigallochy whisky? and then sat down in the seat?

Then at about 11:30 he decided to do something on his new laptop (which had literally arrived that morning to replace the one whose screen he broke on Wednesday evening), picked it up the way he had picked the old one up, and instantly broke the brand new one too.

I told him yesterday morning that if he ever, ever shoved me again or stopped me from getting to either of the girls when I was completely sane and he was so smashed then there would be consequences of the most serious nature ? he just looked blankly at me with no flicker of recognition as to what he had done at all.

And all this was because one of the gawd-awful guys that he drinks with before the football had brought a friend with him who wasn?t as dull as Dave and Donald are, and that he had to show off to be buying and drinking malt whisky with. I don?t give the slightest toss how interesting Donald?s mate was, we had a deal, we had an arrangement, I was trying in my little way to have a life and have my friends round, and he couldn?t keep himself slightly sober by 5pm..!!

All I could get out of him was how bad the football had been, the words 18 year old Craigallochy, and how it was my fault for having people round and how he was dreading it.

[Alderney]

Oh, in case this is more info thats pertinent...we have 2 DD's, one is 4.5 and one is 2. I'm a FT SAHM and he works. he has a season ticket for the football and goes to every home game, and goes to the pub before and after each game - normally for a couple of pints and he doesn't normally come home that smashed - he normally has a coupld of pints and would be okay to bath the girls or to play on the Wii with them for a wee while.

I guess my equivilemnt is that I go to church for a coupld of hours on a Sunday lunchtime and I'm involved with the NCT, so I do things by myself every so often too (but tend to be sober..!!)

[compo]

how much whisky did he have?
Was this a one off or a regular thing?

[compo]

ah, looks like it was a one off
tbh i'd let it go
the shoving is a bit more but as long as it never happens again I'd try to let it go... is he being the model dh at the moment to make it up to you?

[RubySlippers]

being really drunk occasionally is within the realms of acceptable (annoying if you had plans though)

being drunk, shoving you, being a danger to his kids is not acceptable

the fact he cannot remember what he has done is worrying as he needs to face the consequences of his actions so he doesn't repeat them

[flubdub]

If he doesnt like being around "people", why was he in a pub, where there, with all probability, is likely to be more people that he doesnt know?

yanbu

[VinegarTits]

It is beyond me why men get like this too impress their mates, i would be pissed off too, hope he had a hangover from hell

[Pushpinia]

Sorry but that's appalling. It sounds as though he was trying his best to stop you having a social life. What an arse.

[RandomFlopsy]

I'm a bit that he says he doesn't like being around people but manages to go to a football game where there are loads of, err, people.

Sounds like an excuse for not wanting to be sociable when it suits him.

[Alderney]

He is okay with his friends but he doesn't like any of mine (in fact he will freely admit that a lot of his own friends he doesn't particularly like - Dave and Donald being 2 main ones) - but he really can't stand any event where my friends will be at and has referred to them all in the past as "those people"...(my friends are lovely...!)

It is a one off - I have no idea how much whisky he had but he only had about 2 hours at the pub and normally has about 2 pints in that time..!! But he certainly had enough to pass out all evening.

Not particularly being the model DH to me at the moment - looked after the girls yesterday evening while I was at church but I took them both with me in the morning. He really seems to have little clue about how he behaved on Saturday night.

[Tortington]

you dont argue with a pissed up man.

you send him to bed and argue when he is sober.

or it leads to trouble.

its his fault of course - he acted inappropriatley - and youare quite right to be livid - i mention the former thing as a way to manage the situation.

[Alderney]

He does follow some very strange rules of pub ettiquette - unwritten rules but they have caused problems in the apst.

He can never leave the pub first (although its not as if the guys who do leave the pub are subject to any ridicule or anything) - but there was no way he'd have come home before Dave needed to leave to get the train - no matter what he had promised me.

He must get into a "round buying" situation and must not ever be seen as being unable to "stand his hand" (buy his round) - so we end up in a situation where he buys everyone a drink and then has to wait to be "bought back" a drink by everyone else...

He can go to the football fine with these guys because its "safe" for him - same pub, same people, same rituals every time. he'll admit that he likes a couple of the guys he drinks with (and so do I -they are really good friends of us both) but neither of them were there on Saturday so all he had were the "dull ones". he sees no reason to try and like my friends as he "doesn;t even like his own friends"....

[LittleBella]

He sounds like a twat.

He deliberately got blind drunk knowing you had friends over.

I'd skip the threats and go for the serious consequences now.

[Pushpinia]

Me too LittleBella but I was hesitant to be so forthright...Sorry OP but yes he is behaving like a spoilt toddler. It's controlling, passive aggressive and totally beyond reasonable.

I'd be looking at my options here really.

[flubdub]

But there must have been peple he doesnt know in the pub, not just his friends??
And if he just doesnt like your friends, it sounds a bit odd imo. HOWEVER, hes your dh, and you must know if this is the case or not.

I would be fuming, more about the embarrasment than anything else. But im sure your friends barely noticed!
Aside from all that, was it a good night?

[poppy34]

agree with little bella - yes if partner gets blind drunk occassionally then be annoyed but let it go . but we're talking about fact that he let you down on specific arrangement and the pushing thing is ott even if drunk. think you were right to lay down the law

[Alderney]

Hi Flubdub - we had a lovely night - a lot less organised at the beginning than I had hoped - because I had hoped my girls would be being bathed by their doting father, put in their jammies, brought down to see some people and then tucked up in bed, whereas actually my Mum and I had to juggle doing food and drinks, welcoming people and setting up the demos, and washing 2 little girls who wanted to know where daddy was.

He can ignore the other people in the pub (although he does get paranoid attacks sometimes and believes everyone is looking at him/thinking things about him/judging him) because he is in a little enclave with his 4-5 close mates. He can't stand being in social situations with my friends where he will have to talk directly to them, or be engaged in conversations with them (which he isn't when he is just surrounded by "people" in the pub or at the football)

[Pushpinia]

Alderney I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but does he have some kind of personality disorder perhaps? Borderline maybe> just some of the things you have said.

[Alderney]

Hi {ushpinia

Its something we have looked at over the years - we are both convinced he has Aspergers but its almost impossible to be diagnosed as an adult...

I've also read a few books over the last 3.5 years when he has been ill and I'm convinced he has Borderlne Personality Disorder too...

He sees a psychiatrist with regard to his depression/anxiety/paranoia but they seem very reluctant to look into Aspergers or personality issues..

[MrsGuyOfGisbourne]

ALderney - sympathy - horrible situation. I agree with Custardo, that no point talik ng to him when he is pissed.
Would wait till calm moment to discuss then INSIST he talks to the psych - this has to be relevant to his depression, andxiety and paranoia certainly the last two.
I would also refuse to collect him in future if he is pissed - this is putting yor two dds in a bad situation.

[Pushpinia]

Golly. I was about to suggest Aspergers and then decided I wasn't sure! It does sound like you are on the case, the trouble being that you can't always predict the next turn iyswim.
I am sorry you are feeling so worried, I would be too in your position - it must feel quite lonely if he is not aware of what he does sometimes.

I guess you are left with a judgment call about whether you are happy enough and feel safe enough especially in the light of his behaviour around the dds the other evening, to remain in the situation.

Please keep posting if we can help you to work out what you want to do, if anything. x