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to be terrified about having a baby 3 and a half years after DS1..

(10 Posts)
mistersmum Mon 22-Sep-08 10:51:32

Posting on here as I need to get this off my chest...Had a great trouble free pregnancy with DS1 and then a terrible labour (induction and eventual emergency CS). Everything since has been fine, but I was intially v upset about the birth and at 1 year relived it all, and then thought I was fine and so carried on (I do tend to bottle things up so eveyone else thinks all is well).

I do want another one but in the back of my mind was the 'what if it all happens again' thing and so my enthusiasm for trying and all that involves has not really been up there. DH kind of understands and DS keeps asking about his brother or sister.

Anyway got my period last night and got in to bed and found myself crying (DH didn't wake up) and ended up having to wake him up as I was so upset. He then went back to sleep so we will talk about it tonight. BUT it was the thought of getting preg and having 9 months of worrying about the labour again whihc I was upset about - so I guess I am not over it. It feels so stupid when actually all is ok, and lots of people I know who have had rough times have put it behind them. I just can't bear the thought that it would deprive us of another child.

Did anyone with similar seek help - was it forth coming and who gave the most help - HV, GP,..? Any input gratefully received. Thanks

Elasticwoman Mon 22-Sep-08 11:04:25

Have you gone through your medical notes from ds1's birth with the hospital concerned?
Some hospitals call this "Birth Afterthoughts" and it may help you to know why certain things happened and why certain decisions were made.

Most births are much easier second time round.

joshhollowayspieceofass Mon 22-Sep-08 11:06:58

I had exactly the same birth story, and had counselling. You have to treat it as you would any other huge trauma in your life. I definitely suffered post traumatic stress - you sound like you are in the same boat. The key to my counselling was that I worked through every detail until I was accepting of it, that I forgave anyone whom I felt got things wrong at the time (even down to my mother, who had helpfully broken an arm weeks before DC's birth) and ultimately forgave myself. It's the only conselling I've ever had, but I completely recognised it needed to be done. It didn't stop me bursting into tears at my first ante natal appointment...and the 2nd! Especially when the issue of BF'ing came up.

I also ordered my notes from the hospital just a few months before I had second DC. I cried when I read them through, but it was a good thing to do. You may need to do this to remind yourself of the buried details of your birth story if you seek counselling - you'll need to address everything - even down to the nasty midwife who just gave you a funny look at the wrong time....whatever sticks in your mind as a negative association.

I really wish you the best. You'll be fine. If it's any consolation I ended up with an elective section this time round, and much as I'd wanted a VBAC, I was able to accept it and it was calm, and lovely and perfect. You can have a different experience this time round. Take control now - sort yourself out with some counselling.

I paid for mine cos I was too much of a mess to go to GP and have them not react to me the way I wanted them too (I had it within a month of the birth). The kind of treatment I had would not be for everyone (didn't think it'd be for me but it turned out it was) was called Emotional Freedom Technique. A lot of tapping and repeating of your story. Once you can tell it from end to end without crying, you've kind of made it onto the path of recovery. Best of luck. smile

mummc2 Mon 22-Sep-08 11:08:01

I had alot of problems with my pregnancy and birth with my first - extreme morning sickness, lost a stone in weight. Several infections and kidney problems in and out of hospital. Then had dd1 almost a month early. Waters broke nothing happened for 39hrs then everything at once, she got stuck heart rate going down but managed to deliver, she had cord wrapped so tightly round neck had to be cut b4 i could deliver all of her. Wouldnt bf, got bad colic and i just felt for ages depressed and that i was a crap mother. I think you should go to your doctor and ask if you could talk it through with someone - maybe a counseller or a group which helps with traumatic births. This shouldnt be what stops you having another. Every pregnancy and birth is different so it may be completely fine next time. Second time round for me i had no sickness, did have kidney problems but thats me unfortunately. Went to 38.5 weeks and birth was fantastic and she was bf within 15 mins.

Claire236 Mon 22-Sep-08 11:11:17

I know how you feel. My 3.5yo was prem & in SCBU then needed an op at 18 months. We've just started ttc but I'm really scared of having to go through all that again particularly as this time round I'd have to manage on my own a lot of the time as dh would need to be looking after ds. My sister had a similar experience to you in that she tried for a home birth & ended up having an emergency cs. The thought of going through that again scares her. Do you know why your labour was so bad - in my sisters case she's likely to need a cs next time which means she can prepare for it. I've never asked for help but I would say your GP should be your first step for helping you get some support. Hope your talk with dh helps.

TheRealMrsJohnSimm Mon 22-Sep-08 11:11:31

YANBU. It is perfectly understandable that you feel this way. Agree with Elasticwoman - approach the hospital where you had DS1 and ask to see/discuss your notes with someone. I did this and it really helped me - I actually approached it through my GP who contacted the hospital on my behalf.

If it is any consolation, I had very similar experiences with DS1 and afterwards the thought of birth terrified me and made me feel a failure. However, when DS2 finally came along (4 years later), I had an amazing experience with a calm and natural homebirth - talk about polar opposites! So you just never know.

Of course, its perfectly acceptable to have just one child. But you need to ensure you make your decisions for the right reasons.

Hmm......bit longer than I had intended but hope it helps!

mistersmum Mon 22-Sep-08 11:28:12

Thank you everyone. I guess the GP is first port of call...but she wasn't v good when I did mention it earlier on which might explain my reluctance now - so will ask to see another GP. It's funny how you end up feeling a bit of a fraud about things like this - but I was quite surprised how upset I was last night and realised I do need to do some thing about it. I'll call the hospital too and speak to PALS.
Josh...how did you find your counsellor?
Claire 236 - no I don't know specifically why things went wrong - feels like a whole lot of things I prob blame myself for and eveyone else involved.

TinkerBellesMum Mon 22-Sep-08 11:32:55

YANBU, I had a 20 weeker and then a 31 weeker. The thought of getting pregnant was very difficult for me and now being pregnant I find very hard.

Have you seen your GP at all, I think you may be suffering from Birth Trauma - which is PTSD following a birth. It's not something that will go away on it's own, you need to talk to someone about it - being able to admit how you feel is the first step.

TinkerBellesMum Mon 22-Sep-08 11:35:02

PALS is a good idea, I went to them as Tink was born under GA and it totally messed my head up. I went to sleep with them trying to stop the contractions, woke and they were gone, five hours later I'm shown this huge baby who couldn't possibly be mine! (Too big and didn't look like anyone)

They got me to see the manager of delivery and she went through it all with me.

witchandchips Mon 22-Sep-08 11:35:22

I had a similar birth to yours, ds is now 3.6 and i am 24 weeks pregnant. What calmed me and made me relax about the whole thing was making the decision to go for an elective ceasarian. i would be in control and would know what was going to happen. Elective ceasarians are much much safer than crash ones and some would argue than any kind of "assisted deliery" (induction, breaking of waters, forceps etc).

I think you also need to get angry about the whole thing. Your birth was difficult, not just because of problems with your body and the pregnancy but because your hospital made the wrong decisions. If your extrenalise the problem it makes it much much easier to cope with.

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