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AIBU?

not sure if I am or not?

58 replies

susia · 21/09/2008 21:47

ok my son who was just 3 (and about 2 days) was at a party where there was a large bouncy castle and loads of kids.

He got overexcited on the bouncy castle and him and another 2/3 year old pulled a girl's arm and made her cry. The girl was about 7.

I stopped both of them and the other boy ran off. The girl's father came over and I said sorry for what had happened. He then said to my son 'Well I think an apology from you is in order young man'. I said to him 'he's only just 3, he didn't mean to do it so I don't think you'll get an apology out of him'.

I was really annoyed with him because even though his daughter had been hurt, she was much older and these were only overexcited 2/3 years olds (not 5 or 6 year old). I didn't like the way the man spoke to my son either.

Maybe I was unreasonable?

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susia · 21/09/2008 21:49

maybe I was overprotective? I can't imagine speaking to someone else's toddler like that.

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funnypeculiar · 21/09/2008 21:51

I would personally always expect my two to apologise if they had hurt someone enough to make them cry....(they are 2.5 & 4.5)

FabioHungoverNoShoutingPlease · 21/09/2008 21:55

I think the dad might've been a bit too forthcoming, but I do think your 3 year old should apologise.

If you made no attempt to get your ds to apologise, and the dad picked up on that, he may not have been out of order suggest an apology.

I would've said to your son, "Here is Mildred, you can say sorry to her now, can't you, and then eveyone can carry on playing" All done with a smile.

noonki · 21/09/2008 21:55

Sorry but YABU

He probably shouldn't have spoke to your sonm like that

but you should definately have made him apologise.

My DS is 3 (today in fact) and he always apologises if he hurts someone accidently or not.

mosschops30 · 21/09/2008 21:58

Sorry but agree YABU. I always get ds (3.5) to apologise to dd (12) if he hurts her, and vice versa regardless of whether it was intentional or not. Its just polite to apologise.
Also agree that the guy was a bit rude, but maybe he thought you should have started the ball rolling.

susia · 21/09/2008 21:59

maybe you're right but the thing happened so quickly and other boy ran off and my son was pursuing him. Plus the 7 year old seemed to be exaggerating I don't think she was really hurt.

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imananny · 21/09/2008 22:00

yep make my nearly 3 say sorry if he hurt someone, even if an accident

i do think that the man way of asking/dealing with situation was a bit ott

funnypeculiar · 21/09/2008 22:00

Although I would never, ever ask for an apology from another child (however much I thought they should give one ) so from that pov, I think the bloke was pushing his luck.

tiggerlovestobounce · 21/09/2008 22:00

He probably was a little harsh to speak to your son like that, but you should have made your son say sorry to the girl.
When ever I've been at kids parties there is a community/group approach to parenting, with people looking after kids as needed. That probably doesnt apply here, because you were with your son, but I can understand why the man said what he said.

themildmannneredjanitor · 21/09/2008 22:01

he is only 3 but he did make her cry.

if they don't learn now then will he learn?

ds1 is 8 and ds2 has a friend who always hits him. because ds1 is a 'big boy' the childs mum thinks it's ok for her 5 year old to whack my son all time and when ds1 gets upset she acts like he is making a big fuss.

but he's not. hitting hurts no matter how old the perpetrator is!

susia · 21/09/2008 22:05

that's the thing - I should have got my son to apologise but it seemed to happen so quickly. But I don't think the man should have spoken like that

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minorbird · 21/09/2008 22:05

Agree with whats been said, but to add my 2 pence, the man may have thought your DS was older? People always think my 3 yo DD is older cos shes tall and quite mature looking and are suprised to learn shes still a baby. That said confrontation is never nice!

susia · 21/09/2008 22:07

he may have thought he was older but I said he's only just turned 3.

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themildmannneredjanitor · 21/09/2008 22:08

i don't think he said anything bad.

'Well I think an apology from you is in order young man'.

am i missing something?

he didn't shout? he didn't say 'that was really naughty!'

i'm not sure what was so bad.

cheesesarnie · 21/09/2008 22:10

if my almost 3 year old hurt my 7 or 8 year old id expect him to apologise.
plus sounds like man did it quite politely imo.

FabioHungoverNoShoutingPlease · 21/09/2008 22:12

Maybe the tone in which he said it that was unpleasant?

in your OP you say the main thing that bothered you was that the dd was older than your ds, and I would also infer you think an apology is only for intentional hurt.

a lot of people think you should apologise if the hurt is accidental.

Dandelioness · 21/09/2008 22:12

I wouldn't be happy about someone speaking to my child like that. BUT, when my daughter was about 2.5, I started ensuring that she apologised if she ever hurt another child, no matter how lightly or even sometimes if it had been by accident. I want her to learn to take responsibility for her actions and that it's (obviously) wrong to hurt anyone else. Apologising to another child is embarrassing for children to do, they usually don't like it, so making them say sorry is also a punishment of sorts

IMO the age of the girl your son hurt is irrevelant to a certain degree as is the fact that your child was overexcited - the point is your child hurt her and if he is old enough to speak in sentences, he is old enough to apologise.

susia · 21/09/2008 22:13

I think the 'young man' bit a bit strange though, don't you?

If a 2/3 girl hit my older son - 5 I can't imagine saying 'I think an apology is in order young woman?' though I might (but unlikely) say to the parent, 'could you keep a closer eye on her please'.

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susia · 21/09/2008 22:16

Not I do get my children to apologise if they hurt someone intentionally or not. But in this case the incident was over in seconds and they had run off. But more to the point I didn't like the way the man spoke, it's just something I wouldn't do to another person's child unless I was incensed...

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cheesesarnie · 21/09/2008 22:17

not strange at all.i often call both ds young man,little chap etc.just a phrase.

themildmannneredjanitor · 21/09/2008 22:18

but the phrase 'young woman' isn't in common parlance-young man is.
how is a somebody supposed to address a young child whose name they don't know?

boy? little boy?

you should have made your kid apologise.
yabu.
end of.

i hate this. your child does something wrong but lets turn it round on to the other person.

Dandelioness · 21/09/2008 22:22

Your child had run off?

Sorry, but if the man was able to speak to your son, then your son was physically present enough to apologise, no matter the chronology of events.

And as others have said, calling a small boy 'young man' is a common British saying and usually infers treating someone with respect.

charchargabor · 21/09/2008 22:24

YABU. What would you have done if a toddler hurt your 5 year old and the parent did nothing? Just shrugged it off even if your child was upset? I very much doubt it. Minus the presence of a speech delay, a three year old is perfectly capable of apologising. Over-excitement is no excuse for hurting another child. And the fact that he ran off is not an excuse for him not to apologise. Could you not have just brought him back?

kittywise · 21/09/2008 22:29

Actually to fly in the face of general thinking (surprise surprise) I think the dad was well out of order. Your kid is just 3 fgs and apology from you is plenty.

Don't sweat it, yanbu.

kittywise · 21/09/2008 22:32

Actually it's not that i don't think a 3 year old shouldn't apologise, yes they should, of course BUT the dad shouldn't have taken these matters into his own hands. if he had spoken to any of my children like that I would have been pissed off and would have reacted in a similar manner.

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