To detest the term "Precious First Born" AKA "PFB" bandied about on MN with such a negative connotation

[susiecutiebananas]

Firstly as it implies that only your first baby is precious and all subsequent ones are dragged up... without the book

Secondly, that is used so negatively far too often and used against people who are actually, just concerned about their child, or about their parenting decisions- regardless of their place in the sibling queue. It simply is not relevant.

Lastly, the way that it is used so patronizingly. With the implication that just because you have only one child ( so far...) that you have no common sense or experience with regard to bringing up children.

OK, I know it is also used in an endearing way too. I just desperately dislike it. It really annoys me.

erm... that was all really!

[ScottishMummy]

i hate the condescending/patronising way posters say "oh "PFB" then

[susiecutiebananas]

so are you saying that IANBU then?

[slayerette]

I hate it too, particularly because as my ds is an only, he will always be a PFB and therefore I will never be allowed to be concerned about him!

[SlartyBartFast]

iam guilty of the offence -

of using the term. but only latterly and probably only on here. but it is tongue in cheek honest gov

[Ronaldinhio]

mums of "pfbs" perhaps?

[OneBoyOneGirl]

YANBU - Have to admit im with you on this one. Don't like the term at all.

[ScottishMummy]

LOL i am that PFB mum i put on shade-a-babe to put bins out, humph every extraneous item, am a real just in case carry a full medical emergency kit (only kidding - i think)

[FabioHungoverNoShoutingPlease]

tis tongue in cheek, defnitly

I mean, if pushed I will admit it's quite charming, really, but you have to see the humour in someone taking their small baby on a domestic flight just to check his flightability factor, so they knew he'd be ok to fly off on holiday a short while later.

I can't remember who that was but she was brilliant.

[Janni]

OK, guilty of using the term, guilty of thinking it about mothers of first babies and of looking back at myself as mother of a PFB and doing a great big roll of the eyes.

BUT - it does have a place, I'm sorry. It does help put things into perspective and show that mums who've been around the block a few times might actually be able to give you some good advice.

What I most wish, is that MN had been around when my first child was a baby, because I think I would have made VERY different decisions about our lives!!

[susiecutiebananas]

1st prize for the fasted 'obvious' comment goes to.......

Ronaldinhio....

you illustrate my point very nicely there, thank you

I would hope that all our children are precious, regardless of number.

Slarty- get that tongue out of your cheek, you might be inadvertently offending someone

[ScottishMummy]

it is unkind when a new mum posts a valid concern and some cynical ole gimmer sneers "oh PFB" as a put down

[hughjarssss]

I also hate it.

It reminds me of HV and midwives who look disdainfully on you when they realise its your first

[AuntieMaggie]

totally agree - i am first born of 5 and in no way treated as precious, precisely the opposite in fact!

[ranting]

I think I agree with Janni on this one and most of the time it is not meant in a patronising way anyway, more endearingly iyswim. I must admit this thread brings to mind that Fall song 'a touch sensitive, I know, I know....'.

Mind you, you can practically disregard everything I say on the subject as I have recently bolted my children into their cellar for the night

[ScottishMummy]

yes MW and HV looking at me like a histrionic new mum if i discussed any concerns.

[welliemum]

I completely agree!

[FabioHungoverNoShoutingPlease]

Yes SM, it is unkind, when it's sneering.

But when a poster bangs on about how her MIL leant over the baby and smiled before the MIL had disinfected her hands or blown into a breathaliser or the poster had had a good look at MIL's cardigan for unsecurely sewn buttons or flowing ribbons longer than 1cm or peanut crumbs, andthen the OP goes on an don oand on etc., it is ok to say 'you're being far too pfb about this, it's Granny saying hello not farking Herod fgs'

[susiecutiebananas]

Of course it is often used in a tongue in cheek way, I agree. THat is not my issue.

Its when it is not used in that way, but quite negatively.

You know, it is possible to have only 1 child, and to have a fair amount of common sense, a laid back approach, and to be quite intelligent when it comes to bringing up that child.

Just because some one has more than one child and has " been around the block a few times " janni does not make a mum of 1 less qualified to give advice or help or have less sensible opinions.

Also, to have a concern about your child, ad ask for help or express worry, can happen to any mother, on any one of their brood. It may just happen that it's your first. Yet being told " ah... PFB" is not helpful nor does it make the issue any less valid.

I might just add at this point, its ever been said to me. Although i've been quite peeved when I have seen it, many many times, in the patronising manner it's often used.

[tortoiseshell]

It is so different with your first though. And certainly for me it is true that with ds1 I analysed every last thing - every twitch, every morsel of food, every sound. Every activity was assessed for educational value etc etc.

With dd and ds2 I was far more realistic, and although they are very precious, the term PFB to me conjures up that feeling of all-absorbing analysis and thinking about your child which you simply can't have about the others.

I would also note that the first ceases to be a PFB when more come along, and becomes a neglected child along with the others!

[jimjamshaslefttheyurt]

Agree with tortoisehell.

PFBness is entirely normal (I was quite laid back with ds1 but veru very precious so don't think being laid back precludes it), but so cringe now at how I was. Cringing at the way you were with your first is quite normal as well.

Poor ds3. "mummy is that photos me?" "no darling it's ds1" x 15

[susiecutiebananas]

Ah welliemum, I am sorry, I didn't see your thread in the summer.. I was fairly certain I'd not have been the first to post this and I know I won't be the last either.

perahps the fact that it does come up, fairly frequently, should tell us something?

Fabio, i do of course get you point, really I do. There are some glaringly obviously ridiculous threads and questions asked, however to just coin the PFB terminology is actually not helpful. Makes the poster feel less adequate about themselves, and is counterproductive. And for what purpose? to make the person saying it feel superior and better becausue they are on DC2?

Of course my last paragraph is not aimed at you there, more in general!

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Hmm. I get where you're coming from, but there are two things here:

First, posts from mums who are clearly deranged (sorry!) as exemplified by Fabio's post.

Second, there is a view, prevalent amongst those with only one child, that somehow their child is more precious because he/she is an only child. A friend of mine said once, in all seriousness, that she was very concerned about her child, because she only had the one. The implication being that because I had two, somehow one of them was 'spare'!

I will not hesitate to use the term PFB where it is appropriate. So I suppose I do think that YABU!

[ScottishMummy]

BIWI what a peculiar post,can you specify examples of "spare theory" what has been said

[SlartyBartFast]

i definitely wouldnt say it to someone... more than likely would be about someone else

and we all have a first born and every new thing they go through is still improtant, first day school, college, university, learnign to drive and with the PFB it is somehow different

[susiecutiebananas]

tortoishell- it may well be different with your first. It doesn't make 1st time mums any less competent, or sensible though. Well, not all anyway!

I would always listen to the advise of the more experienced, regardless of the subject matter, even parenting yet, I would also hope that because I have 1 child, currently, that my experience or advice would be seen as any less important or valid. Which, i do think is often the case.