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AIBU?

am i, Im bloody fuming? LONG

34 replies

badmummygoodmummy · 20/09/2008 20:54

dd is 5 and a half, long story but living (pay rent and bills) with my mum at moment for the last 10 months, DDs behaviour has gone rapidly down hill because my mother who was VERY strict with me lets dd do what she wants inc being rude, answering back etc, she was such a good girl before coming here!

Tonight dd mucking about getting in and out of bed, i told her ten minutes ago that I had had enough and to go to bed and stay in bed this time, dd threw a stop hit me and stormed to bed and starting screaming and throwing a strop, i told her off for hitting and went downstairs.

Could hear dd and nanna upstairs, went upstairs and said dd has been sent back to bed, shes messing about and its 8.30, my mum said oh shes showing me a picture she drew, couldnt be bothered with the fight so said show the picture and then go straight to bed. DD looked smug and walked past me to her nanna punching me on the way past. I tell her off, my mum said oh thats my fault I said come show me the picture, I reply Im not bothered what she was doing she does NOT hit me and went downstairs

My mum has just come down screaming at me that I have made her feel shit when she already feels shit and ill with a cold and she didnt see her hit me (in other words accusing me of lying, and stormed upstairs making excuses for dd, she will now not talk to me tommorow but continue to badly influence dd!

My mother is turning my sweet natured 5 year old into a horrible child, Im fuming!

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hecate · 20/09/2008 20:57

How soon can you leave?

You need to overrule your mother! "Thank you, but this is MY daughter and I will raise her my way. How would you have felt if someone had consistantly undermined you when you were raising me? Trust that you did a good enough job of raising me to allow me to raise my own child. If you can't do that, then we have to find somewhere else to live, asap, even if that is only a bed and breakfast. I will not allow you to take over my daughter."

badmummygoodmummy · 20/09/2008 20:57

ok no one is answering so im obviously unreasonable lol

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hecate · 20/09/2008 20:57

fab x-post!!!

missingtheaction · 20/09/2008 20:58

time for a showdown - but you aren't in a great position unless you can actually move out. Do you think you can manage a cool and rational discussion about you and your mum's need to present a united front. maybe start by getting her to talk about her pov of your mothering? could be very painful but a way in. Otherwise - move out!

WinkyWinkola · 20/09/2008 20:59

Your mum is interfering and undermining you. And your DD, being a kid, sees this as an opportunity to get her own way.

You must move out ASAP because it could ruin your relationship with both your mum and your DD.

badmummygoodmummy · 20/09/2008 20:59

oops x post, I have had many do's with her, I am on a waiting list for housing because I left dh and he wasnt physically violent I "made myself homeless", feel like ive come from one controlling nightmare to another.

I have a tent and Ten Pounds in my bank which is reason I am not in a bed and breakfast tonight, have just started Uni so am waiting for money to come through.

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badmummygoodmummy · 20/09/2008 21:01

the thing that is really getting me is that if I had DARED to do half of what dd is doing now as a result of nanna i would have been battered!

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TheProvincialLady · 20/09/2008 21:01

Completely agree with Hecate. YANBU at all but the trouble with moving back home with your mother is that they often start to view you and your children as part of 'their' family that they get to control. To her you are still a child. You really do need to make every effort you can to move out asap or your relationship with both your mother and your DD will suffer.

TheProvincialLady · 20/09/2008 21:02

Sorry just read your other posts. I hope you can work something out soon.

badmummygoodmummy · 20/09/2008 21:07

its all the excuses she makes for her as well gahhh

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badmummygoodmummy · 20/09/2008 21:10

Ive a good mind to send dd to ex-h for a couple of weeks and sign a taster contract for uni halls of residence!

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badmummygoodmummy · 20/09/2008 21:11

till i find somewhere for us both i mean, not to dump dd with x and live student live permanently lol. Although tonight dont bloody tempt me!

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badmummygoodmummy · 20/09/2008 21:11

till i find somewhere for us both i mean, not to dump dd with x and live student live permanently lol. Although tonight dont bloody tempt me!

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Twelvelegs · 20/09/2008 21:12

Does crying work with your Mother? You are finding your dd so hard and could do with some advice.... what did your Mother do for you etc?
This way your Mother gets the picture without feeling like she is doing waht you want and you get to stay where you are. She is in the wrong, completely, but this may not be the best time to tell her .

babyinbelly · 20/09/2008 21:14

I had this problem with my mother, although did not live with her she looked after ds once a week. It was only when she started to struggle to cope with him that she realised she was allowing his behaviour to get gradually worse. Now she lets me do the punishing without sticking up for him because she knows that I keep him in line.

I would say, if possible let your mum look after DD so that she has to deal with some of the horrible bits. She will soon realise that the nicely nicely approach doesn't work and she needs to back up your method of disapline to have a nice grandaughter.

Hope things work out ok for you. YANBU. I would have had a blazing row with my mum.

badmummygoodmummy · 20/09/2008 21:14

no crying doesnt worked, the last time i cried was when me and ex h split up and she looked smug and said oh do you feel like youve failed then?

Yeah thanks mum!

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babyinbelly · 20/09/2008 21:16

In addition to that his grandad (on other side of family) was encouraging DS last night to repeated do what he had been told not to, making it in to a game. When DS got told off for it he soon realised that his behaviour was getting DS in trouble and again, quickly stopped!

badmummygoodmummy · 20/09/2008 21:16

babyinbelly (aww at name btw ) that wouldnt make a difference, dd gets entirely her own way with nanna so has no reason at all to be naughty for her and even if she were it would be ohh shes only 5.

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Twelvelegs · 20/09/2008 21:16

Your Mother sounds like a competitive bitch.

babyinbelly · 20/09/2008 21:19

Its tough. Good parents do not make good grandparents. They just think its an excuse to spoil them because they didn't with their own kids.

ShyBaby · 20/09/2008 21:21

I think ive posted something similar but I dont live with my mum thankfully. My dd was an absolute nightmare from day one. (High maintenance ) My mum constantly undermines me, lets dd have her own way which is fine when she doesn't have to live with her.

Mum sort of ran away with my kids one night. They had been fighting and screaming, dd was her usual demanding self which I was trying to get her out of. I had phoned mum for a bit of support (and a little rant probably).

She popped round and took them with her back to her house to give me some space. (apparently) Then she got drunk, phoned me and told me I would only be getting them back if I brought the police with me. (eh?) She seemed to revel in this. She told me I was a shit mother because I had refused sweets before tea, I was cruel (for telling them off) and didn't deserve them etc etc (drunken rubbish).

She can be a real cow at times.

badmummygoodmummy · 20/09/2008 21:23

shybaby she sounds awful, mine thinks shes great and i am ungrateful.

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ShyBaby · 20/09/2008 21:29

Well that's how dramatic she can be sadly.

I told her fine, call the police..what are going to tell them? That your daughter told off her kids and they should stay in your care?

Be my guest. Shall I dial the number for you?

WinkyWinkola · 20/09/2008 21:41

How does one nip such competitiveness in the bud though especially when the DCs in question respond very +vely to the person who is competing for their affections?

WinkyWinkola · 20/09/2008 21:41

Shybaby, I'm surprised you even speak to your mother after that lovely episode.

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