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To want DH to give up his band

(25 Posts)
Stefka Sat 20-Sep-08 20:47:48

I am being selfish I know but just feel so low right now as I am spending yet another weekend on my own. My DH works long hours which I really appreciate so he is entitled to some down time but I don't have friends where we live right now and although I can keep myself busy during the week at the weekends I have nothing to do. DS is 11 months and I just feel so trapped and lonely.

His band have regular gigs and rehearsals and it takes up loads of his time. He doesn't even enjoy it that much as he doesn't get on with one of the other band members. I get frustrated on nights like tonight when I have been on my own all day with the baby as DH has been working but then goes out to a gig instead of spending time with DS and with me.

I feel like I am last on his list. I have told him that. He even went to a gig one time when I had planned a special night for us with a movie and nice meal and wine. It was a last minute one and I cried when he agreed to go. He still went. Today I really wanted to go to a free talk that was on but couldn't go because we have no child care so one of us has to be at home and he had a gig so that was that.

He works hard and does deserve leisure time - I just wish it involved me sometimes.

beeny Sat 20-Sep-08 20:55:51

I dont think you are you need some time to yourself as well

moondog Sat 20-Sep-08 20:57:58

Hi Stefka. smile
Right,how many times a week is he away?
Do you work btw?

pippylongstockings Sat 20-Sep-08 21:01:36

Dpon't really know what to say - you have my sympathy & empathy.

What is it with men and their hobby's? They feel like they are entiled to 'their' time to keep them sane without real regard for how you feel.

Is it possible to draw up some sort of rota or agreement that if he has band practive/gigs you get something for yourself?

Is it possible to get some time for theboth of you to do some common interest? What did you use to do before baby came along?

I say all this in as my dh is out for the 2nd night in a row this weekend on the grounds he wroks full time and needs the break whereas I work 27 hours a week and look after both the kids... logic?

Stefka Sat 20-Sep-08 21:12:56

I don't work no although I am looking for some part time work at the moment. I wouldn't mind him doing the band but I get so damn lonely and it seems to take up all is spare time which is minimal. He has one to two rehearsals a week and regular gigs. He has had two gigs this week.

I also feel frustrated because if I want to do something I have to arrange child care which is difficult as I only have one family member near by who also has children so that rules nights out. But if he wants to do something he just does it because he has me to do the childcare.

Before the baby came we would go out on nights together but can't do that at the moment obviously.

NotDoingTheHousework Sat 20-Sep-08 21:18:24

Message withdrawn

moondog Sat 20-Sep-08 21:21:01

How often away in weeek?

Stefka Sat 20-Sep-08 21:22:13

He wasn't in the band when we got together if that is what you mean.

Hopefully when DS is a bit older I will be able to go out with him. Still breastfeeding though and not comfortable leaving him with other people at night. This time will pass I guess - just feeling kind of lonely and low tonight.

Stefka Sat 20-Sep-08 21:25:16

It varies depending on gigs. This week it will be three. I'm not going to ask him to give it up, he doesn't seem to enjoy it but he must on some level if he keeps going. I just feel hurt sometimes because he doesn't seem to want to spend time with me and I feel really lonely a lot of the time.

pippylongstockings Sat 20-Sep-08 21:28:44

It's hard when your feeling on your own. Three nights a week seems alot if he is also working as well. What does he want from the band? Is it making him money/happy?

moondog Sat 20-Sep-08 21:33:34

I'd be pissed off too tbh/

hollyandnoah Sat 20-Sep-08 21:34:16

hey, my dp was in a band, that is how we met, i was going to see a band that his were supporting. When i was pregnant i suffered a lot of dehydration and often spent nights in hospital. My dp stopped playing in his band because they were due down in England for a 6 day tour and he didn't want to leave. At the time i was very greatful, but now i miss his gigs soooo much! I have always loved watching live bands, and now everytime i go i feel a sadness that my dp is no longer in his band . Anyway! That is just my experiance, but i thought i'd share.

Nat1H Sat 20-Sep-08 21:43:18

Does he feel like he has to earn the extra money? Maybe he feels he can't turn gigs down.
(Or maybe he gets £ signs flashing in front of his eyes like me!!!)

Stefka Sat 20-Sep-08 21:50:07

They don't really make any money from it. It think they get a wee bit which they use to contribute towards rehearsal space. I think D would rather be in a band that did covers because at least then they could do weddings etc and maybe make some cash!

It's fine really - I am just being moany. I find it really hard to be on my own at the weekends.

moondog Sat 20-Sep-08 21:55:28

It's not fine though. Being on your own with a baby is bloody hard all week, let alone all w/end. i would be hurt as well as aNGRY. dOES HE NOT WANT TO BE with his child??

Stefka Sat 20-Sep-08 22:03:00

Yeah that does get to me too. DS loves getting his bath from his dad. DH is so much better at it than me (more fun). I feel kind of bad when he misses it a lot. He does love us though and works hard as hell. I don't think he gets how hard it is for me to be home alone so much. I have tried to tell him but he just gets defensive.

moondog Sat 20-Sep-08 22:07:21

Insist on like for like then. He gets three noghts out a week so so do you. See what he makes of that.

Stefka Sat 20-Sep-08 22:17:24

Thanks I think I will try to arrange a night out - I think I need one!

Cryptoprocta Sat 20-Sep-08 22:25:10

Yup, been here. My DH wasn't in a band when we got together, but ended up in one that was always on the verge of being signed (and they really were, there isn't a label that they didn't play for). They had some really really good songs.

I ended up putting money into that band, getting further and further into the joint overdraft, but had no say so in it. He was only able to do it because i was supporting him.

He took a job that required him to work Saturdays and Sundays, even tho I asked him not to, and was at rehearsal every night.

I'd go to their gigs and be the loudest one cheering in the crowd, and he'd ignore me pretty much. If I didn't go to a gig, I'd be accused of not being supportive.

He was tired and grumpy from being at rehearsals every night, and wouldn't get involved in the running of the house. He used to snap if I asked him what we were going to have for dinner that week, like I was pestering him. The band was always fighting within itself too.

He used to say he was doing it for us, since he didn't have a degree or any kind of career in mind. hmm

Our wedding was nearly called off due to all this sort of thing. I would not have had a child with him if he hadn't quit. It was bad enough looking after two dogs on my own! grin He is now training to be an optician, which sounds a bit of a depressing "given up the dream" choice but he is happy with his career.

It did come down to the band or me. It sounds mean to give an ultimatum, but being in a band like that makes you really selfish. You don't get a choice in the matter, the only choice you can make is to leave them. Since you have a baby, leaving him would be an absolute last resort. But he needs to understand that he's made a choice to have a baby with you, and that requires him to make some sacrifices now.

So no, YANBU, from someone who's been there.

The band has dis-banded grin. The lead singer presents a show on sky channel 180 these days, and he's pretty good at it!

HonoriaGlossop Sat 20-Sep-08 22:32:20

I think the commitment he made when he decided to be a father is WAY bigger and more important than being in a band. Working long hours then being away most evenings is hardly allowing his child to HAVE a dad.

I think it's very poor behaviour on his part and he needs to majorly 're-assess'.

MetalMummy Sun 21-Sep-08 00:39:20

I can sympathise, my DH is in a band. Thay usually gig twice a week. On a normal week he works 4 days (day job) 7.30-6.30 and if he is working on Friday and Staurday he gets in from work at 6.50pm and goes out for a gig at 7.30pm.
To be honest it doesn't bother me that he gigs so much, but what does bother me is if we want to make other plans we have to arrange it way in advance because some of his gigs have been booked for over a year.
He always has loads more gigs coming up to christmas, and is booked up for Christmas Eve and New Years Eve so we can't go out then. I have to admit that the extra money does come in handy though, especially at Christmas.
He wouldn't agree to a last minute gig without OKing it with me first though especially if we'd already got plans.
Do you know any of the people who go to see the band (maybe other wives or girlfriends)? I try to go to see DH's band about once a month and we do sometimes meet up with friends involved with the band during the week too (Mum babysits)
When I had DS1 I had been booked in for induction on the Saturday but because they had no bed for me it was postponed to the Sunday. The band had got a substitute bass player in for their gig that night so DH and I went to see them, we were really hoping that the loud (very, very loud!!) music would start me off but it didn't, lol.

TheHedgeWitch Sun 21-Sep-08 09:13:18

Message withdrawn

findtheriver Sun 21-Sep-08 09:17:56

Tricky because being in a band is a fun thing to do and probably relaxing as its a change from work. The nature of it is that it WILL take up practice time, and gigs can sometimes be a bit last minute, and he's not going to feel he can let the other members down is he?

But re: childcare - that needs to be seen as a shared responsibility - it is not just up to you to sort it.
Also - I think you need to look at paying a babysitter so that YOU can go along to some gigs (or out somewhere else!!) and so that you can BOTH sometimes get out for a meal.
I think it's very easy to get locked in the idea that if you don't have family nearby then your social life as a couple has to grind to a halt. Much better to come to a proper paid arrangement, then there's no feeling of guilt. I bet there are some responsible teenage girls around who would love to earn a bit of money. Or set up a babysitting circle with other mums, though tbh I preferred to pay as I didnt really want to have to babysit in return.

Stefka Sun 21-Sep-08 11:07:37

Yes we need a bit of balance. I just sat him down to get all the dates of gigs so I at least have an idea of what is ahead. I had plans to do something on Wed but he has a gig so I told him he could go a bit later (will miss a bit of the setting up) and I will leave my thing early. He seems happy with that.

I would however like him to give up the kebabs he eats after gigs - he stinks!!!!

mashedbanana Sun 21-Sep-08 12:28:16

my dh is in a band and he is nearly always away as it's his job.i find it really difficult sometimes.i have a dd who's 3 and she finds it hard when he's away too.we can never plan anything and we have to go on holiday at the last minute.he's missed numerous family occasions too.when dd was 3 weeks old he had to go to the states for 6 weeks which really got me down.but it's what he's chose to do and something he's worked really hard for so i try not to let it get me down.i'm lucky to have great family and friends and i've been to some great places through his's just when gigs come in when you've arranged things that annoy me.

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