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to give DP ultimatum "cannabis or us"

(58 Posts)
tristaleejac Fri 19-Sep-08 18:21:33

My son and I are moving in with my DP of 2 years because we are due our baby in April. We are getting the keys next week.
Is it too much that I said I don't want him smoking hash in the house?
I hate the stuff and fear the kids would find it and put it in their mouths.
Right now I live on my own with son and have a strict no drugs policy, for the sake of my son.
I have told him this is the one rule that will come with me into new house.
He went mad at me shouting about hash not being a drug, compared to other stuff, and said it's just smoke, it's no different to nicotine shock
Why does he not see that I'm doing this for the children and it IS dangerous stuff and it IS drugs and is NOT the same as nicotine.
It got to the stage where he was saying if I'm not prepared to accept him smoking it in the house he'd reconsider moving in with us. I told him I'd rather be a single parent and have a safe environment for my children. Am I being unreasonable? Why wont he just deal with it?
Sorry I had to ask people's opinions I'm just about at my wits end sad

hanaflower Fri 19-Sep-08 18:23:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarlaSinger Fri 19-Sep-08 18:25:04

What hanaflower said. I'm sorry but I doubt he'll change.

conniedescending Fri 19-Sep-08 18:27:53

don't move in

sounds like he'd smoke nicotine in the house even if he gave up the weed

ulitmatums rarely work out the way you want...just say you'll re-consider the move as and when he changes his attitude about this topic

binkythebullet Fri 19-Sep-08 18:28:23

YANBU. For me personally, drug usage (of any kind) would be unacceptable. Like hanaflower, I wouldn't be moving in.

tristaleejac Fri 19-Sep-08 18:29:20

We get on amazingly well together, apart from this one issue. This is the only thing that we don't agree on, otherwise we are a very good couple. This is why I find it so hard. We have so much fun together and can talk openly and honestly about anything........except this

Lauriefairycake Fri 19-Sep-08 18:30:46

why have you chosen this person to be your partner?

Why should he change, this is his choice. You picked him while he was a cannabis smoker. Ultimatums rarely work neither does living with someone in the hope they will change. Instead you are setting yourself up for misery.

If this is a deal breaker for you then do not choose to stay with him and be honest with him that this is not what you want.

tristaleejac Fri 19-Sep-08 18:32:45

He always said to me he'd stop smoking it if he had children. Now there's one on the way he says he's not ready to give it up. He has agreed to not smoke it in the house although is still not happy about it.

tristaleejac Fri 19-Sep-08 18:34:08

Although I hate the stuff I don't expect him to give it up, I just don't want it being smoked in the house.

Salleroo Fri 19-Sep-08 18:36:31

'He went mad shouting...' A tad immature? Grass is not the same as nicotine, some long term smokers have quite bad mental issues as a result. He may not be one of these, but by the same token he might.

Smoked myself for years, gave up when ttc and havent gone back. Will have a smoke if I'm at a party and there is a j being passed around and thoroughly enjoy it, but I dont want it in the house with children, I dont think it sets a very good example.

MrsMattie Fri 19-Sep-08 18:36:41

YANBU. He sounds incredibly selfish and immature. If he can't sacrifice smoking in the house) whether it be fags or weed) for the sake of two young children, then he isn't ready for parenthood.

Quattrocento Fri 19-Sep-08 18:38:13

Which did he chose? <interested emoticon>

tristaleejac Fri 19-Sep-08 18:40:17

He chose us, although very unhappy and sulking about it.

mummy5bellies Fri 19-Sep-08 18:41:52

Agree with salleroo, there's a time and a place and its not in the house, no smoking of anything inside with children, esp newborns

mummy5bellies Fri 19-Sep-08 18:42:35

Sulking? Welcome to co-habitation

tristaleejac Fri 19-Sep-08 18:42:48

thanks everyone he had me thinking I was over-reacting for a bit there. I will stand my ground.

CatMandu Fri 19-Sep-08 19:01:03

YABU do you drink?

tristaleejac Fri 19-Sep-08 19:03:27

What has drinking got to do with it?

umberella Fri 19-Sep-08 19:04:20

Oh God please do not move in with him - ignore the idiotic comment made by CatMandu.

From personal experience it's not the same as nicotine and if he has argued with you about not smoking around the dc it suggests to me that he already has an actual 'issue' with it.

CatMandu Fri 19-Sep-08 19:04:41

Drinking is far more dangerous than canabis, as is tobacco.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6474053.stm}

tristaleejac Fri 19-Sep-08 19:06:34

We dont drink. There are lots of things more dangerous than cannabis. That doesn't mean cannabis isn't dangerous.

umberella Fri 19-Sep-08 19:06:54

There are a hundred threads that have gone this way CatMandu -doesn't change the fact that two small children are at risk of inhaling drugs in their own home which is undoubtedly wrong.

lardybump Fri 19-Sep-08 19:10:38

But we are talking about in the house around the children CatMandu. Passive smoking kills for gods sake it is not safer at all...

CatMandu Fri 19-Sep-08 19:11:33

They are no more likely to inhale drugs than drink bleach, or Mum's perfume. I hate this tabloid reaction to canabis.

policywonk Fri 19-Sep-08 19:13:52

IMO, the point about cannabis (as opposed to nicotine - the argument your partner was making) in this situation is that it's mood-altering. A stoned person is not in a fit state to look after children, particularly if there's an unforeseen crisis of some kind.

It sounds to me (because of his angry reaction) as thought your partner already has dependency issues. He will only change his habit when he's ready - if you try to force or blackmail him he'll probably continue to smoke but just try to hide it from you instead.

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