to give DP ultimatum "cannabis or us"

[tristaleejac]

My son and I are moving in with my DP of 2 years because we are due our baby in April. We are getting the keys next week.
Is it too much that I said I don't want him smoking hash in the house?
I hate the stuff and fear the kids would find it and put it in their mouths.
Right now I live on my own with son and have a strict no drugs policy, for the sake of my son.
I have told him this is the one rule that will come with me into new house.
He went mad at me shouting about hash not being a drug, compared to other stuff, and said it's just smoke, it's no different to nicotine
Why does he not see that I'm doing this for the children and it IS dangerous stuff and it IS drugs and is NOT the same as nicotine.
It got to the stage where he was saying if I'm not prepared to accept him smoking it in the house he'd reconsider moving in with us. I told him I'd rather be a single parent and have a safe environment for my children. Am I being unreasonable? Why wont he just deal with it?
Sorry I had to ask people's opinions I'm just about at my wits end

[conniedescending]

don't move in

sounds like he'd smoke nicotine in the house even if he gave up the weed

ulitmatums rarely work out the way you want...just say you'll re-consider the move as and when he changes his attitude about this topic

[binkythebullet]

YANBU. For me personally, drug usage (of any kind) would be unacceptable. Like hanaflower, I wouldn't be moving in.

[tristaleejac]

We get on amazingly well together, apart from this one issue. This is the only thing that we don't agree on, otherwise we are a very good couple. This is why I find it so hard. We have so much fun together and can talk openly and honestly about anything........except this

[Lauriefairycake]

why have you chosen this person to be your partner?

Why should he change, this is his choice. You picked him while he was a cannabis smoker. Ultimatums rarely work neither does living with someone in the hope they will change. Instead you are setting yourself up for misery.

If this is a deal breaker for you then do not choose to stay with him and be honest with him that this is not what you want.

[tristaleejac]

He always said to me he'd stop smoking it if he had children. Now there's one on the way he says he's not ready to give it up. He has agreed to not smoke it in the house although is still not happy about it.

[tristaleejac]

Although I hate the stuff I don't expect him to give it up, I just don't want it being smoked in the house.

[Salleroo]

'He went mad shouting...' A tad immature? Grass is not the same as nicotine, some long term smokers have quite bad mental issues as a result. He may not be one of these, but by the same token he might.

Smoked myself for years, gave up when ttc and havent gone back. Will have a smoke if I'm at a party and there is a j being passed around and thoroughly enjoy it, but I dont want it in the house with children, I dont think it sets a very good example.

[MrsMattie]

YANBU. He sounds incredibly selfish and immature. If he can't sacrifice smoking in the house) whether it be fags or weed) for the sake of two young children, then he isn't ready for parenthood.

[Quattrocento]

Which did he chose?

[tristaleejac]

He chose us, although very unhappy and sulking about it.

[mummy5bellies]

Agree with salleroo, there's a time and a place and its not in the house, no smoking of anything inside with children, esp newborns

[mummy5bellies]

Sulking? Welcome to co-habitation

[tristaleejac]

thanks everyone he had me thinking I was over-reacting for a bit there. I will stand my ground.

[CatMandu]

YABU do you drink?

[tristaleejac]

What has drinking got to do with it?

[umberella]

Oh God please do not move in with him - ignore the idiotic comment made by CatMandu.

From personal experience it's not the same as nicotine and if he has argued with you about not smoking around the dc it suggests to me that he already has an actual 'issue' with it.

[CatMandu]

Drinking is far more dangerous than canabis, as is tobacco.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6474053.stm}

[tristaleejac]

We dont drink. There are lots of things more dangerous than cannabis. That doesn't mean cannabis isn't dangerous.

[umberella]

There are a hundred threads that have gone this way CatMandu -doesn't change the fact that two small children are at risk of inhaling drugs in their own home which is undoubtedly wrong.

[lardybump]

But we are talking about in the house around the children CatMandu. Passive smoking kills for gods sake it is not safer at all...

[CatMandu]

They are no more likely to inhale drugs than drink bleach, or Mum's perfume. I hate this tabloid reaction to canabis.

[policywonk]

IMO, the point about cannabis (as opposed to nicotine - the argument your partner was making) in this situation is that it's mood-altering. A stoned person is not in a fit state to look after children, particularly if there's an unforeseen crisis of some kind.

It sounds to me (because of his angry reaction) as thought your partner already has dependency issues. He will only change his habit when he's ready - if you try to force or blackmail him he'll probably continue to smoke but just try to hide it from you instead.