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AIBU?

To think that i should be able to know what my X's counerstatement says?

12 replies

Mum2OliverJames · 19/09/2008 00:05

We have had some troubles and have recently split after some years of physical and mental abuse, but unfortunatley it didnt happen until he hurt my son (i know i should have got out before that happened but as soon as it happened i realised that things couldnt carry on after he hurt my baby)

so i went into the police station and ended up making a 15 page statement on all of the things i could specifically remember him doing to me! there were more things but not that i could remember specific details on

The PC involved he been to see me today and has told me that X has not admitted the alligations and has had his own statement of how things have happened! i am worried about this because to anyone else x seems like a lovely guy, my whole family were completely shocked when i told them what had been going on! i am worried that they will believe him over me!

i dont hink its fair because X obv has read my statement but i am not allowed to know what his says, i know he's not admitting what he has done, and that this is just another way to control me!

He knows that by not admitting it will drag me through court and i dont really want to do that .

HASN'T HE PUT ME THROUGH ENOUGH???

I just wish i knew what what the counterstatement says! have been worrying all day over this!

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Mum2OliverJames · 19/09/2008 00:05

sorry for title typo

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solidgoldbrass · 19/09/2008 00:08

I don't know the law well enough to advise you but I suggest you contact Women's Aid who will know the relevant law.
Do you have evidence/other witnesses of his abuse? I am not for one second doubting that your XP abused you, just saying the when it comes to court the more witness and other evidence you have, the better. OF course he is going to say that he didn't assault you, or that it was your fault and therefore he's not guilty. It doesn't mean anyone will believe him.

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Flibbertyjibbet · 19/09/2008 00:13

I didn't do a police statement but was advised by a solicitor a long time ago to go for unreasonable behavious with ex.
I put my statement as I saw it. He did his statement and a copy was sent to me. I wish I had never seen it, the crap and lies were unbelievable and it really upset me.

So you might be better off not seeing it.

Of course they deny it when they see a in print what they are like. I don't think anyone will read something like that and say 'oh yes, I am an abusive selfish twat', so they give 'their side'.

Just ignore him if you can. You have got out now and so the worst is over. My ex was also super polite outside our home, at first I worried that other people would side with him. Then after quite a short time I realised that dwelling on anything about him was just letting him still control me.

Just tell yourself that he cannot influence anything you do ever again, and that you are going to rise above whatever petty claims and lies he makes.

Good on you for getting out.

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Mum2OliverJames · 19/09/2008 00:13

He is a complete coward and would never have even consider doing it in front of anyone.

He is a vile vile person!

Have had womans aid around already, their soliciter was supposed to give me a call today but didnt! it was the Pc that said i could know exactly what counterstatement said, even checked it with his boss to be sure.

there isnt much evidence! esp as most of the bad abuse goes back to when i was PG

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Mum2OliverJames · 19/09/2008 00:18

I am so worried he will just walk away from all this without getting help, that is all i want from all this! so that some time in the future, when he has completely earned my trust! then we may possibly have a normal separated family setup!

It will take a long time though, but i would really like that as DS loves his daddy so much and it has been eating me up seeing him pine for X

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solidgoldbrass · 19/09/2008 00:25

Oh Mum2 you have to lose this idea that he will turn into a nice person. He is a shit who beats up pregnant women. He won't suddenly become Nice Partner. Women's Aid (and other MNers) can give you advice on constructing a good diplomatic age-appropriate story for DS about why he sees less of his dad (ie one that;s not: Your dad is a woman-hating scumbag and it's not actually safe for either of us to spend tiem with him). No matter how much you love your DS, letting your XP use you as a punchbag to 'keep the family together' is not beneficial to DS. Do you really want to teach your darling boy that women are just for men to hit and bully and own? Or that 'real' men are violent and abusive?
Or do you want your DS to understand that some people behave badly, but most people don't, and it's OK to walk away from violent people no matter who they are.

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ScottishMummy · 19/09/2008 00:26

so sorry to read your harrowing story,awful.esp if others thought dh so nice

this is not in my knowledge. really hope someone else can offer legal advice.what about Womens aid etc

do take care
you have been through a lot

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Mum2OliverJames · 19/09/2008 00:52

I know he wont turn into a nice person, not to me anyway. i have tried asking him to get help off his own back, i have told him that if he didnt get help i would leave him, well i have left him now and have asked him to get help so i can let him see our son (of course will be supervised visits for a long long time) and he just doesnt care at all, it makes me so because he has been so good with DS and DS adores him, they spend most of their time together with DS giggling, has been a great dad other than the violence which DS only witnessed the last time and unfortuanlty got hurt in the process(although he has prob heard alot)

the thing i am most worried about is he always said to me he would get DS taken away from me whatever it takes him and have him put in care because he knows that DS is the most important thing in my life(and was always jealous of him)
He doesnt want to take him away to look after himself, just so i cant have him, because he is a selfish pig(who has asked me on several occasions who would i pick first him or DS)

This is why i am worried about this statement, god knows what he could have said about me to try and make me look bad and he is very convincing, he has very nearly convinced me that i have done things i knew for a fact i hadnet done. i think he does this by believing wholeheartedly they lies he has been saying.

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mamazee · 19/09/2008 00:55

so sorry you are going through this. your son is beautiful i don't know what to say other than...good luck

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jammi · 19/09/2008 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AMutinyInSouthsea · 19/09/2008 11:36

To get DS taken away from you he would have to tell lies to Social Services, and they would then try to work with you to find out what the real situation is - they would never just believe his word against yours, specially now you have made a police statement about him. He may be very convincing to people who know nothing about domestic violence, but the police, courts, social services, and anyone else who knows about this stuff will not be easily taken in - they have heard this poison from other violent husbands/fathers before, and they are not stupid enough to be suckered by him.

So don't worry - he can't have your child taken into care - that's just one more thing to say to hurt you and try to control you.