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thinking that dh is just using his epilepsy as an excuse not do things/get his own way?

(49 Posts)
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Wed 17-Sep-08 18:53:00

i.e. bathing the children, fair enough dd2 when he is on his own in the house i can understand that. but when i am downstairs wheres the problem? i would hear him fitting and know there was something wrong.

or when dd1 is in the bath also. whats wrong with that? she is a very intelligent 4.9 year old who knows that if daddy baths them and gets poorly she has to take the plug out of the bath and 'cuddle' dd2.

he has to be fed regularly and this has to be by me or he may have a fit and it will be my fault hmm. he has to sleep ofen despite things needing doing he has the perfect excuse to lie in bed half the day on his days off.

and guess what? when things do need doing he 'feels funny' and has to lay on the couch. watching me clean up.

he is now shouting and balling downstairs because dd2 hasnt had a bath since sunday <she had an all over wash with soapy water just yesterday> and i have said im not bathing her tonight because i feel really ill and am just waiting to go bed.

apparently i am dragging his children up and making them scruffy. i need to 'get my head sorted out' and be a proper mother.

AIBU to think that if he feels this strongly he can do it his bloody self. what does he think id just listen to him fitting from downstairs and not bother going to see to dd2?

wb Wed 17-Sep-08 18:56:41

No experience of epilepsy but his behaviour doesn't sound very reasonable. What happens if its something he wants to do - does his condition get in the way then?

cocolepew Wed 17-Sep-08 18:57:36

I think he's being unreasonable. Surely if he is able to go out to work, he could help in the house.

dittany Wed 17-Sep-08 19:00:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Miaou Wed 17-Sep-08 19:00:35

I don't know much about epilepsy either but how often is he having fits? Is he unable to drive, for example? (I say this because he wouldn't be cleared to drive unless the chances of him fitting during the day are minimal).

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Wed 17-Sep-08 19:00:43

oh he only has about one minor fit each year. its not severe epilepsy like some unfortunate people have. it could be controlled if he took his medication properly.

he does however suffer from very severe hypochondria. atm he either has cancer, diabtes or kidney failure. possibly all three.

me and his doctor are in agreement that he just needs to lose weight grin

edam Wed 17-Sep-08 19:00:44

suggest you accompany him to his next doctor's appointment and ask whether he is forbidden to do any of these things. Suspect the answer will be no, he's just a lazy arse.

I have epilepsy - only difference it makes to family life is that dh did half the getting up in the night when ds was little (because lack of sleep is a risk factor for seizures - but that does not mean you get to sleep all day!).

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Wed 17-Sep-08 19:03:16

Miaou he could drive but chooses not to as he did have a major crash from fitting at the wheel of a car. there was a possibilty that he wouldnt be able to walk again.

he is worried that if there is a next time he hits some one's child.

Miaou Wed 17-Sep-08 19:03:44

Then he is a lazy arse. angry on your behalf

mankymummy Wed 17-Sep-08 19:07:04

is he ever alone?

if so how on earth does he manage without you running around after him?

personally, unless there is a very good reason for him not taking his anti-epilepsy medication then I'd be tempted to tell him you were sick and tired of him not pulling his weight and that he needs to grow up.

sorry if thats harsh.

giraffescantdancethetango Wed 17-Sep-08 19:10:26

Sounds like hes taking the piss. If he feels that bad all the time then send him to the dr cos his meds are obviously needing altered.

pointydog Wed 17-Sep-08 19:11:41

If he only has one seizure a year then I owuld say yes, he's using it as an excuse

ShowOfHands Wed 17-Sep-08 19:14:09

A close friend of mine is epileptic and a single mother to 4 children. She fits more frequently than your dh. Her eldest 2 know what to do if she fits. She is in no way a martyr to it at all. If she can take responsibility for herself, her children and the epilepsy then your dh jolly well can too.

cheshirekitty Wed 17-Sep-08 19:17:26

Suspect he has a severe case of lazybonearseitis.

This is a very dangerous condition, almost exclusively found in the male of the species.

If you are feeling ill, go to bed and let him get on with it.

nickytwotimes Wed 17-Sep-08 19:19:32

Yanbu.
I don't know about his condition, but if he is going to berate you, then he can bloody do it himself!

bubblagirl Wed 17-Sep-08 19:19:58

could he be suffering from severe anxiety and maybe not laziness could the crash have affected him at all

maybe in his head he is just anxious and scared ask him if he needs to see gp not to humiliate but to see wether maybe he is depressed and needs help

i wouldnt feel fair to call him names as my mum has epilepsy and i know how anxious she became maybe he needs proffesional help to help with anxieties and epilepsy support group to help him see what others can do and how they got over there anxieties

drainedbrain Wed 17-Sep-08 19:27:43

Lots of judegements from people without epilepsy here! Might be worth posting on the disabed parents section for further opinions?

everyone is different, but..

I have epilepsy and find it exhausting. It is not just the seizures, it is the medication and the abnormal neurological activity too. Seizures are the smallest problem for me and for lots of people with epilepsy.

Sometimes I am so tired I have to force myself to do the most simple things, like hold a hairdryer. I hide a lot of it from DH because I don't want to be defined by my illness, but it is a big thing. Sometimes I take annual leave just to sleep because my medication causes sleep disturbance, am always tired. All this can make me irritable sometimes too. DH and I have it fairly well worked out as he understands my limits and I do my share most of the time. I'd recommend your husband gets help from an OT or a neuropsychologist to cope better - neurology department can arrange. Maybe also a medication review to look at fatigue/weight gain/irritability/anxiety - all common side-effects.

I can see that it is a big strain for you, no doubt you don't want to be a carer, especially if it is not clear how much of what your husband is asking for is necessary. Why not get in touch with some epilepsy organisations for advice? I don't think YABU to not want to do everything yourself, but I also think your husband sounds like he has some genuine diffculties because of his illness.

drainedbrain Wed 17-Sep-08 19:29:21

X posts bubblagirl.

Nice to see someone taking the wider view..

flowerybeanbag Wed 17-Sep-08 19:29:36

YANBU

I have mild epilepsy and care for DS on my own most of the time. I know that to do this I must -

Not be too tired.
Eat often enough.
Take my medication without fail.

Because I have a DS I make sure I do those things. It's my responsibility, but as long as I do, I can look after DS on my own, including bathing him.

Agree that only real difference it makes to our family life is that DH did bigger proportion of night feeds and is still the one to get up very early if necessary most of the time as well, because of extreme exhaustion being a factor.

Otherwise we function like any other family, as do thousands of people with epilepsy and other conditions who have responsibilities.

flowerybeanbag Wed 17-Sep-08 19:33:02

x-posts drainedbrain, agree there maybe genuine problems, but I think the 'would be controlled if he took his medication properly' is key.

drainedbrain Wed 17-Sep-08 19:34:46

Yes I did miss that.

Maybe he has problems with side-effects? I'm fighting the epilepsy corner here! But I don't want to make excuses either.

flowerybeanbag Wed 17-Sep-08 19:39:47

Possibly side effects. I don't know. It can be debilitating sometimes, but from the information the OP has given us, he's really not helping himself minimise the effect it is having on his family.

He might need extra rest, regular meals, medication and might occasionally feel rubbish, but it doesn't sound as though he is doing as much as he can to make sure these things happen and to make sure it affects SheSells and the rest of the family as little as possible.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Wed 17-Sep-08 19:54:09

no he has no adverse side effects from taking his medication that i know of. and im sure id know if he did. he complains a lot.

no he doesnt as much as he much as he can to help himself. he wont eat correctly unless i cook and im often running about with the dds so i dont have time to make sure he gets his dinner at the time he wants it, he wont eat breakfast and i refuse to make it so he has nothing. he drinks too much and frequently forgets his tablets.

he doesnt sleep well because he snores he has anto snoring spray but wont take it properly.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Wed 17-Sep-08 19:56:11

he is under stress though flowerybag and this is what is causing the majority of our problems but his epilepsy has been an excuse for getting out of things ever since we met.

i have asthma but i take my inhalers so that it does not affect the quality of my life

flowerybeanbag Wed 17-Sep-08 20:01:09

I think that's the key. I think it's fairly clear he's using his epilepsy as an excuse, and wallowing in it a bit, but the real issue is why he's doing that. In other words, because he happens to have epilepsy, he can therefore use it as an excuse, but if he didn't have epilepsy, he'd find some other reason to behave this way, a different excuse.

Stress might have something to do with it, maybe he's depressed. What I'm saying is that the epilepsy is probably a bit of a red herring, as the problem is his attitude, towards the epilepsy and towards his responsibilities in general.

Do you think he might be depressed? I'm sure you're doing everything you can to sort out the problems that are causing the stress, but do you think he might benefit from a chat with his GP?

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