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to be so horribly intolerant of disorganised mum :(

(48 Posts)
mamazee Tue 16-Sep-08 20:45:45

i had arranged with 2 friends to meet up once a week. in the morning (because of toddler naps in pm) at 9.30 am...have lunch home for naps.
one mum cool fine..other mum all over the place, always cancels etc mum one goes to pick her up (she doesn't drive) and she isn't dressed, her son has not eaten, nappy needs changing. so all our plans are set back by hours.
i am not anal about routine for my ds but he has only just dropped his morning nap, needs to eat lunch before 2 pm and needs to nap for 1 1/2 to 2 hours waking before 4 or he gets over tired, won't eat, cries...just generally suffers unnecessarily. he CAN do it and i do just do a 40 min buggy/car seat nap once a week ish , but my preference is not.

i am not organised, live in chaos, am not great at housework so am in no way at all a super mum but if i have arranged to be somewhere ESPECIALLY if they have kids, i try and get there on time...i know how hard it is to have to wait in with an energy filled toddler (i live in a one bed flat with no garden) and for ds to expect people and them be hours late (other mum arranged to meet her at midday one day and they finally met at 5.30 ??
i know it is hard to be on time with a toddler but i am generally within half an hour of when i said i would be somewhere.

i also try to arrange stuff to do most days in the morn with ds either friends or group or swimming but can't do anything if i am waiting in.i feel horribly resentful as i wait to which i detest in myself

i really really like this chaotic mum (she is kind of intellectual eccentric mama)and feel crap that i am being so judgemental but it really does my head in blush
if she could drive we could carry on but it all kind of hinges on her.
i have tried having it all at mine so my ds can nap ...needless to say he absolutely would not nap with 2 toddlers in other room !

what can i do to make this work.
it was my suggestion too so maybe i was asking too much? i thought it would be a simple, once a week arrangement !?
or maybe we just need to let go of any routine on Wednesdays and follow her lead and see how it goes ?
maybe there is a lesson in all this ?
maybe i need to go out locally and get them to call when they are on their way ?

are there any other disorganised mums out there who can tell me the best way to deal with it?

i have never posted here before so please be easy on me

compo Tue 16-Sep-08 20:49:00

just invite her over at 3pm and see what time she turns up? Then at least your ds wilhave had his nap

or just let it go and do something else that morning

9.30am is a bit early

does she have older children to get to school?

could you just arrange to meet at something like playgym, toddler group etc so at least if she doesn't show you and ds have had a nice morning doing something

norksinmywaistband Tue 16-Sep-08 20:50:43

Can you not arrange to meet at her house then as long as she is dressed the rest is not a problem

mamazee Tue 16-Sep-08 20:57:42

compo if i invite her at 3 she will get here at 5 and myds has gotta sleep !
she only has one child. i guess we could meet at a group in her town yes...maybe that is the answer .
nork i did think about that and thought maybe we could help tidy and look after her ds whilst she showers etc. that feels like a kind thing to do but how do i suggest that ? can i come to your house please ?!!
9.30 was request of mum one as her dd gets up at 5.30 so by 9 she has serious cabin fever.
my ds wakes between 8 and 9 so it is a rush for me too but any later and it all gets a bit short

Bluebutterfly Tue 16-Sep-08 21:04:15

Is there somewhere local that you can all go to and can you meet a group of mums and toddlers so that your ds is not left without playmates if your chaotic friend is late?

You could also give the play dates a time frame; tell her that if she is not there by such and such a time, you are going to carry on without her because ds needs his exercise and then his nap.

Also like compo's suggestion of afternoon activities post nap...

Good luck!

bozza Tue 16-Sep-08 21:10:52

well suggest 1 then and when she arrives at 3 your ds will be all freshly napped...

rookiemater Tue 16-Sep-08 21:14:37

Well I can see why you are irritated by this, I have a zero tolerance policy on lateness, and was really annoyed when I arranged for the Mums to meet up at mine on my one precious day off from 2.30 onwards and then no one turned up until 4.00pm, but 9.30am seems awfully early to meet up.

If it was me picking her up, I'd ring her up 5 minutes before the allotted time. if she said she wasn't going to be ready, I'd say "Oh well hope to see you next time".

Agree with Bluebutterfly, arrange something local, say how long you will be there, then if she turns up well and good, if not then at least you are not sat in waiting for her.

I don't think you can do much to alter her behaviour as having a DC tends to exaggerate ones natural behaviour. I am always on time and when on mat leave would generally arrive 20 mins early as I'd always get us ready too soon, just in case something happened.

rookiemater Tue 16-Sep-08 21:16:14

NB why does your DS have to nap in the same room as the others. Could you not just put him up in his cot if he is tired, and still have the others round at yours.

Saturn74 Tue 16-Sep-08 21:19:57

I'd never have made a regular meet-up of 9:30am when my children were tiny, especially if I didn't drive.

I wouldn't have been hours late either.

You need to chat amongst yourselves, and come up with an arrangement that suits you all.

SmugColditz Tue 16-Sep-08 21:21:56

Just carry on without her. A few times of being left out of the action while you two others have a lovely day will teach her to get her act together.

Ring her in the morning and ask her if she's ready. Then, if she's not, tell her to ring you when she is - but if it's after 5 it's too later, because you have plans after then.

Assertiveness, remember. It's the nicest way to be!

choosyfloosy Tue 16-Sep-08 21:22:49

god i was scared this would be me as i am very disorganised. I would not spend much energy hoping she would change tbh. Just tell her you're meeting at 9.30 when it's actually 10.30...

Monkeytrousers Tue 16-Sep-08 21:25:07

God, give the woman a break - she's on her timetable not yours. Yes, yAbu.

Monkeytrousers Tue 16-Sep-08 21:26:59

She might be having a crisis - be really unhappy in her relationship and is arguing all the time, or have a touch of PND, or just be a bot scatty.

Some friend you are


Janni Tue 16-Sep-08 21:28:46

Oh yes, this sounds very familiar. I had one friend who could easily arrive two hours later than arranged. It's very difficult to deal with when your own kids are waiting for their friend to arrive. After a few experiences of her novel approach to timekeeping, I started arranging to meet in a park, or playcentre, with a cafe, so all weather eventualities were covered and I could just read while I waited.

Monkeytrousers Tue 16-Sep-08 21:30:32

or actually it's YOU who are getting a touch of PND, being so bloody lacking in empathy for this poor woman who obvioulsy has trouble coping.

I can't believe you are getting pissed off before trying to understand what the actual problem is - easier I guess

elmoandella Tue 16-Sep-08 21:35:10

you go to hers. say it's coz she doesn't drive. then your guaranteed to be on time and leave on time.

elmoandella Tue 16-Sep-08 21:37:27

if she is struggling then she would really appreciate this, and even if she isn't ready then tell her you'll watch/feed her LO while she gets ready in peace. this works wonders when your in the throes of a blues onset or just struggling.

mamazee Tue 16-Sep-08 21:38:31

great advice ..thanks. just arranged to meet at BFeeding group tomorrow instead.
rookie ds sleeps in bedroom but wakes because flat is so small.he doesn't sleep in a cot so just waddles out to see us all
maybe 9.30 is the time because the parent and toddler group i go to starts then so it just kind of happened. i can see that it is early but it does mean that the dc have a good 2 1/2 hours play before lunch
i think i have over reacted...i totally agree that having dc exaggerates behaviour,..never saw it like that before but that really helps.
i think she is maybe feeling a bit overwhelmed and possibly down at the moment so she probably needs us to be sweet with her.
i am much clearer about needing to be much clearer now !

Lizzylou Tue 16-Sep-08 21:40:01

Woah MT! This would really annoy me, why commit to a time/date and then keep failing to make it?
Yes, I agree she could be struggling but the OP is tring to make their friendship work and seems to be bending over backwards for her.

mamazee Tue 16-Sep-08 21:42:16

whoa there monkey...

elmoandella Tue 16-Sep-08 21:42:54

must admit, if i'd arranged to meet someone at midday. i wouldn't still be waiting to meet them at 5.30pm. i'd have long scarpered after 1hr max!

mamazee Tue 16-Sep-08 21:43:54

thanks lizzy.

harpomarx Tue 16-Sep-08 21:44:18

just arrange to meet in town a bit later - cabin fever mum will be able to have a walk first and scatty mum will either turn up or not, her choice!

could you not take snacks for kids and then let ds sleep in pram if he needs?

SmugColditz Tue 16-Sep-08 21:44:53

If you can't be somewhere for nine thirty, don't arrange to be there for nine thirty. It's rude. Even if you have depression. If I had arranged to meet a man in a wheelchair at 9.30 and he didn't meet me, and NOTHING SIGNIFICANT HAD HAPPENED TO PREVENT THIS, I would be pissed off. It would be rude.

You don't get excused from ignoring your arrangements, no matter what. It treats your time as far more important as anything anyone else had planned to do that day.

mamazee Tue 16-Sep-08 21:45:14

yeah elmo i know..mum one is supremely patient and really really kind...and has a garden !

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