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to be sick of my Mums 'jokey' comments.........

(18 Posts)
LouMacca Tue 16-Sep-08 10:50:53

I have always had a difficult relationship with my Mum. I am very close to my Dad and I think that has probably made things worse with my Mum over the years.

My Mum never comes round and says 'Hi, how are you today?'. The conversation always starts with Why haven't you loaded the dishwasher/Why aren't you dressed?/Who's done your hair? or similar. She is always making comments that I 'mard' my children and they need a good smack (like I got). My children are lovely and she only sees them twice a month anyway so how would she know what they need.

This morning my Mum knocked on the door, I shouted for her to wait while I got the keys. When I let her in the first thing she said was 'God, you wouldn't think you were a healthy young lady you sound like an old crone' (she then did an impression of an old crone). I aksed her why she could never start a conversation on a positive note. She asked me if I was hormonal. Typical.

My Mum is so nice to me infront of her friends or my friends but on a one-to-one she can really be horrible.

Anyway, Mum stormed out of the house calling me pathetic. I told her she needs to work on being nicer. Have I over-reacted?

mishymoo Tue 16-Sep-08 10:52:43

No, I don't think you have over-reacted at all! She sounds like hardwork!

nickytwotimes Tue 16-Sep-08 10:54:33

God, no, she sounds like a nightmare.
Many mums can be over-critical of their daughters (ref: that Friends episode with Monica and her mum) but there should be some nice chat too.

beansmum Tue 16-Sep-08 10:55:26

You haven't over-reacted. Does she think she's being funny? My mum does the same thing. I'm sure she's trying to upset me, then when I do get upset she says she was only joking and I'm being over sensitive.

WinkyWinkola Tue 16-Sep-08 10:55:42

YANBU.

LouMacca Tue 16-Sep-08 10:59:00

Thank you. I am now feeling guilty. It's her birthday tomorrow and I have bought her an over-the-top Mother card with over-the-top words, really don't feel like sending it now!

She had a terrible relationship with her mother, I think this is why she is the way she is. I really want to have a great relationshp with my daughter, its something I am really going to work hard at to break this cycle.

sweetkitty Tue 16-Sep-08 11:00:53

Oh this sounds like my Mum so much, she never gives me a compliment or anything yet if you were to ask one of her friends she is always talking about me (SK went to uni, SK has a lovely big house (even though she slags it off when she is here), SK is doing a great job with her DDs (how would she know)). I have stopped phoning her too as it was too draining for instance she would phone and talk about my Grandpa dying for 20 mins (he isn't) and then ask how I was and relates everything back to her. She always tells me I've put on weight, that I will never BF and so on.

I have very low self esteem probably as a result of this, have seen a counsellor and basically a mother who does this especially to a female child is projecting her own self worth onto them. There is also an element of jealously, maybe your mother sees you with young children who adore you and a good relationship and thinks of her own life.

My Mums the same tries to make out in front of people she is a perfect mother and we have a great relationship yet can be quite nasty one to one. I have spoken to her about it on numerous occasions, called her a disgrace for a Granma been really quite nasty yet she still doesn't "get" it think I'm off on one.

I have tried many times to have a decent relationship with her and now I don't try, she has seen her grandchildren twice this year they don't know who she is. I just concentrate on my family now.

minorbird Tue 16-Sep-08 11:01:46

No, tell her like it is (and politest way possible). I pussyfooted around my mum for so long and then DH said, why don't you just say something? So I did! I by no means think you can change your mother after all these years but it will certainly make you feel better and also, let her know that you shan't be walked over or duped by her unfair critisms! smile

nailpolish Tue 16-Sep-08 11:06:06

i think she has different issues
she resents the fact taht you have young children - she possibly wishes she could turn back the clock, possibly to do it all differently with you as a child?
she is jealous. IMO jealousy is a responsible for so much cruelty in this world
she is bitter. she maybe had a crap life and blames you
she is lonely
she is menopausal

you have NOT overreacted and DO NOT feel guilty

nailpolish Tue 16-Sep-08 11:06:49

oops that came out wrong
im not saying you do not feel guilty, im telling you not to feel guilty smile

TheCrackFox Tue 16-Sep-08 11:09:51

You will need to be firm with her, your mum has probably slipped into a very bad habit. I absolutely cannot stand when people say nasty things then dress it up as a joke.

WouldYouCouldYouWithAGoat Tue 16-Sep-08 11:12:48

you should have said 'at least i am not actually an old crone' and looked at her really hard.

she isn't going to change now i think you have to find a coping mechanism instead of getting upset.

AMumInScotland Tue 16-Sep-08 11:16:25

Maybe you need to decide on a standard response to her negative comments - "Fuck off" springs to mind, but perhaps something a tiny bit more polite grin. Possibly an eye-rolling "Oh don't start that nonsense"? Then talk about something else.

cupsoftea Tue 16-Sep-08 11:18:35

Ignore her horrid words - you don't need to got to her level of horridness. She must be jealous of you.

LouMacca Tue 16-Sep-08 11:18:57

Thank you. I feel much better now. I know its not me.

sweetkitty - can totally relate to what you are saying. Good luck to you. On my wedding day she made no comment at all when she saw me for the first time, she was more interested in how she looked and that sums her up really.

She has no relationship with my 2 SIL's, she has a problem with both of them too but of course thinks its their problem as she has said or done nothing wrong hmm

nailpolish Tue 16-Sep-08 11:22:00

ask her outright if she is jealous
watch her reaction very closely

or you could pretend you feel sorry for her. maybe that would open her up a bit

LouMacca Tue 16-Sep-08 11:23:36

lol WYCDWAG - I'm not quick enough with the witty replies!

poppy34 Tue 16-Sep-08 11:27:12

yanbu..thats not funny and does sound like if she has ishoos..

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