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The OP answering the many issues that come up in the thread about 'Someone's husband picking up my son'!!!

(77 Posts)
alice123 Mon 15-Sep-08 21:56:15

I am starting a new thread because after writing an epic I'd like someone to read it!

ok have just come back and this thread has grown to ridiculous proportions! with people making all kinds of assumptions...SO I am going to explain the scenario with all the bits however irrelevant for one time and then I will not post on this again because I was only asking ONE question; whether it was reasonable for this man to pick my son up - Not whether or not my son should have been sitting at the table, should be or not be seeing a specialist, should or not been eating out or any of the other things discussed.

RIGHT...
1) I went on holiday this year with my youngest alone as my partner couldn't make it and stayed with our older child (just to answer the question of PFB!! etc).

2) We went with several families and each of us had our own flat. Before the holiday my Mum gave my son (5) a DVD player for the journey and to keep him occupied because although this was an active (skiing) holiday there were quite a few hours in the day that we weren't skiing and we were alone in the flat in the evenings.

Most evenings we met up with one or more familly for meals out or dinner at our flat or in a cafe. During those times my son did not have his DVD player.

3)My son when he was first born and up until he was about 2 and a half had a kind of reflux that meant he frequently vomitted. I saw a specialist with him and he said it was a kind of retch like when you don't like eating something, sometimes it because something was new, sometimes something he didn't like and sometimes something just went down the wrong way and some children carry on like this for many years.

But he thankfully mainly outgrew this. At 2ish he used to vomit maybe 3 times a week which to the specialist wasn't that bad but from this he developed a fear of many foods. I worked with the specialist for a period of months (at the Harley street allergy clinic - for those doubting that has anything other than fussiness) and the main thing he emphasised was to take the stress from mealtimes and new foods. Of course that can mean a few months (or years) of seeming anti-social in certain environments but this is to try to prevent a lifetime of food phobia developing.

The doctor emphasised that meals must be enjoyable, that food should never be forced, healthy eating - while of course desirable, is in the short term less important than developing an enjoyment of food. This food fear had arised out of his early frequent vomitting. The doctor encouraged me to give him the food he enjoys eating, to SLOWLY introduce new foods - over a period of months and to allow him to decide whether he is hungry or not. He also emphasised that he should sit at the table at home if possible with a family meal time environment but Never to force the issue.

4) On the holiday, on incident happened on one of the first nights where my son vomitted at a restaurant. I mentioned this ONLY because it was at this point that I explained to my friend and her husband how although distressing for everyone around us, this was not a symptom of him being ill or as concerning as it might be for other children. I was not worried about it, I knew he was completely fine and on the whole eating in restaurants is never a problem now.

5) I also mentioned an incident where my son was hurt in the playground, he fell to the ground and cut his head on ice requiring a couple of stitches. I mentioned this ONLY because I wanted to explain that this man does not seem like a gentle, concerned man like my partner is and did not help me or my son at the time. However, both point 4 and 5 are not relevant to the story but illustrate only that this man was aware of my son's food problems and had not shown much kindness.

6) On the last night - we all as a group were going out for dinner. However, the restaurants were booked up so we had to get takeaways. None of the flats were big enough for everyone so two families ate together and my friend suggested we ate our takeaway at their flat.

It was quite late at this point (probably about 7.30/8pm which for my son is late. Their daughter (3) is used to eating late as they both work and she is not yet at school and they eat together at around this time and she goes to bed at about 9.30pm. However, my son is used to 5.30/6pm suppers and 7.30 bedtimes. This was therefore late for him and he had eaten something earlier. I had been planning to take him to the restaurant where he is always well behaved but doesn't necessarily eat much and then bed by 8.30.

However, as the evening didn't go to plan we were at my friend's flat with a takeaway at about 8ish.

7) I picked up my son's DVD player on the way to their flat as I knew he wouldn't eat that late and decided not to make him sit at the table as he had eaten and this was essentially a meal for the adults. I thought it was more sociable for me to eat with them than alone and as we were leaving the following day we didn't have to be up early and could sleep in and he could therefore go to bed a bit later.

8) Their daughter had not eaten and was sitting at the table. I would have asked my son to come to the table BUT not insisted on it as he had eaten, and was chilling out after a fairly active day before bed. It was not a mealtime for him but one that he could have participated in if he had wanted to.

9) The food was frankfurters and chips - the takeaway had that or burgers. The only reason I mention this is because these are not foods my son has tried and is unlikely to try anything just put in front of him. (The method that has worked for him is a gradual introduction to new things, i.e. me eating something every day for a few days, then putting a little bit on a side plate for him, then picking it up...etc, etc).

Over a period of many months his eating problems have improved so much it is fantastic. I still have to remind myself to not stress about meals but he eats so much more and is beginning to show an actual real enjoyment of food, something I thought he would never have. To those of you who don't know what it is like to have a child who is frightened of food, it is such a relief when you realise that this (through the work with the specialist) is not going to last a lifetime as some children do.

10) For all the reasons above, I decided that it was not necessary to make him sit at the table but would be preferable for him to sit quietly watching his DVD with his headphones. Maybe that WAS the wrong thing to do in a social enviroment but I felt that given my friend and her husband knew about his food problems, that we were on holiday, he was tired, he had eaten, there was nothing he would want to eat - for all these reasons he didn't need to sit at the table to watch us eat.

11) the question...I wanted to know if you thought it reasonable that my friend's husband should pick him up and put him at the table?

To me that was not reasonable because to me that is what I would do if I thought it appropriate, not someone else and also what you might do to a much younger child - maybe a 2 or 3 year old. Maybe I'm in the minority here but I don't intervene with other people's children, other people's ways while they are they there. Of course, if I was minding someone else's child while they weren't there, in my own house, I would do things my way.

**
Finally, the reason I didn't put all these points down in the original post was because most of them I didn't feel were relevant to the question. Perhaps they are I don't know but it would have taken a very long time, like this post has done.

Three final points to address the questions that people have asked so hopefully this really will be my last post on the subject.

a) I mentioned HV not consultant initially because I didn't want the entire thread to turn into a discussion about food phobias which is what half of it has done

b) I don't like my friend's husband but only discovered this on the holiday. Prior to this I had thought him nice, although my partner had always been dubious.

c) I don't normally let my son watch a DVD instead of sitting at the table.

d) This holiday was a while ago as you may have gathered by the fact it was a skiing holiday. To answer the question as to whether there is a problem at school - no thank God there isn't. My son is in Year 1 and of course I have had to mention the vomitting and it has happened a couple of times, by and large his eating as a result of the work with the consultant has improved to the extent that many meals are now eaten with enthusiasm rather than fear.

e) As to why I have mentioned all this now...6 months later. It is because my friend has asked us if they can come and stay later in the year. My answer will of course be 'no', because he would be coming (her husband) and neither I nor my partner like him. (Although of course I can't say that!!!) But I mentioned it because I wanted to know whether or not it was a normal occurance to simply pick someone else's child up and plonk them at the table or whether I was being oversensitive.

f) I had no idea that to ask a question such as this I would have to write such a detailed explanation of every single point but I now realise that for some reason it is such an emotive issue with some of you that I did have to.

THERE...I really hope that is everything coverered!!

alice123 Mon 15-Sep-08 21:59:16

and it'd be good if those of you who were so highly critical could actually read this...

hecate Mon 15-Sep-08 22:03:32

crikey. you're very pissed off, aren't you! I bet that took you ages to type! Do you feel better for it? grin

alice123 Mon 15-Sep-08 22:06:13

yes it took me ages and I am very pissed off because of all the people writing things like 'you should let your son watch a dvd...' without knowing the full story which wasn't what I was even trying to discuss

LittleBella Mon 15-Sep-08 22:07:15

Well.

That's quite a long post. It all seems very comprehensive. grin

I didn't click on the original thread (I thought it might be aobut someone's DH picking someone up in a car or something) but your thought processes seem reasonable. Without knowing what went on on the original thread (I'm not going to look it up, it obviously got long and unwieldy) it sounds like you were annoyed that this bloke picked up your DS and put him at the table uninvited. Bloody cheeky under any circumstances, I'd think, even if I was unaware of any food issues and was sitting there feeling disapproving, I would just ask tentatively "Is little X going to join us?" rather than arrogating to myself the task of ensuring that X joined us. At the very least, that's obnoxious, boorish behaviour.

SlartyBartFast Mon 15-Sep-08 22:09:21

sometimes mn is too big with just too many opinions.
don't go on holiday if you dont like him is my opinion smile

summerdressesandlacyboots Mon 15-Sep-08 22:09:45

Have you spoken to your friend since her dh did this?

Kaybeeand2boys Mon 15-Sep-08 22:10:26

I agree with LittleBella. YANBU. I did see your original thread but never posted as it was getting a bit mad! I think no matter what the circumstance your friends husband shouldn't have picked up your son and plonked him at the table, very rude of him.

nametaken Mon 15-Sep-08 22:14:01

Alice - if you start a thread in AIBU, you have to accept that some people will say, "actually, yes, you are being unreasonable"

You asked mumsnetters what they thought and they told you.

Did you want to know what people think, or did you want people to agree with you?

stroppyknickers Mon 15-Sep-08 22:14:26

Perhaps mumsnet could introduce an 'alice123' topic?

Hulababy Mon 15-Sep-08 22:14:49

Not seen other thread.

Re. the man picking up your DS and making him sit at the table - that is not on. He was out of order. Your child, your rules. And under all the circumstances explained in OP - I think your solution to the evening seemed fine; your friends should
have accepted this. I would have been cross and said somthing to the main at the time.

Re, him coming to stay at your home. Is there a specific reason why they want to come? Can you just say it isn't convenient for a ",ade up" reason?

LittlePeanut Mon 15-Sep-08 22:15:57

I haven't seen he first thread, but agree YANBU. What a bloody cheek, manhandling your DS! I would have been livid. Your friend's DH sounds like an utter prick.

SlartyBartFast Mon 15-Sep-08 22:17:27

do we have to have two threads about this??hmm

Doodle2U Mon 15-Sep-08 22:19:10

Not seen other thread either and couldn't be arsed looking for it but:-

a) YANB, regardless of food allergies and all the rest of the story. If YOU decide that your son can watch a DVD instead of joining you at the table, then it's a done deal. Nowt to do with anyone else, regardless of what judgements they make in their heads about their perception of the rights and wrongs of it.

b) I was delighted to read how you've expanded your son's range of food and I'm glad he and you are both relaxed about food, given the back ground. Do not, however, relax about table manners winkgrin

flubdub Mon 15-Sep-08 22:21:53

Are you bored ?
Another post about it?

Rachie97 Mon 15-Sep-08 22:22:12

I never saw the original thread but I wouldn't have liked it if someone had done that to my LO and she isn't even 2 yet! I can understand why you were upset by your friends husband, I would be too. are you able to tell your friend how you feel about what had happened?
p.s i'm glad that your son is doing so well now with his eating.

LittleBella Mon 15-Sep-08 22:25:33

Yes but it's a good way of getting new people to post who couldn't be arsed to trawl through the long old thread!

This technique could catch on...

flubdub Mon 15-Sep-08 22:26:49

And, too be fair, you did let us all read the first thread, without having the FULL story, or background, and expected everyone to be in agreement with you.
You gave half a story. Nobody could possibly answer only in agreement with you properly.
Plus, its AIBU. Be prepared for people to say YABU

alice123 Mon 15-Sep-08 22:29:54

yes but most of it wasn't relevant. It would have taken hours like this has one has done which I have done to answer the many irrelevant questions.

Anyway, I was annoyed, it wasn't necessary for him to join the adult meal in my opinion and I wish I could have said something to express this at the time.

LittleBella Mon 15-Sep-08 22:30:30

Yeah you do need to give all the background in AIBU.

Having said that, any bloke lifting up my child if I'd made it clear that I didn't want them lifted up, would piss me off. But perhaps the OP hadn't made it clear she didn't want her child lifted up. I would know if I'd read the first thread wouldn't I?

Alice you could start a third thread for those whose concentration span isn't up to much, giving that detail! grin

flubdub Mon 15-Sep-08 22:30:52

hmm

stroppyknickers Mon 15-Sep-08 22:33:03

Please don't encourage her...grin

flubdub Mon 15-Sep-08 22:34:53

grin

Flibbertyjibbet Mon 15-Sep-08 22:35:25

I read the start of the original thread and was convinced it was one of those 'AIBU revealed by stealth' because everytime someone disagreed with you, you then added more information that you hadn't given at the start.

Now I think the question you must ask in your next thread on the subject (for I am sure there will be one if we don't all agree with you on this one)

AIBU to start a new AIBU thread everytime people disagree with me on my exisiting AIBU thread?

Or

AIBU to ration details throughout my AIBU thread so that no-one posting it can agree with me because I've made sure that nobody actually has the full facts?

Or

AIBU to put such a long farking opening post on my latest AIBU thread that no-one can possibly be expected to read it let alone decide whether IA actually BU?

alice123 Mon 15-Sep-08 22:39:37

I just answered all the many irrelevant questions that you asked...hmm decided to put considerable effort to answer them all as everyone was going on and making assumptions etc. Now I have done that I am happy and hope none of you have kids with eating problems.

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