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To think SIL could be a tad more gracious?

(40 Posts)
crimbo2008 Mon 15-Sep-08 20:36:45

Dh's niece is getting married in America this Christmas.

All 4 of us have been invited, but money is tight, neither mine nor dh's jobs are very secure, and we can't all afford to go.

SIL (mother of the bride and dh's older sister) offered to help towards DH's flight so that he could go alone.

I wasn't thrilled about the idea, but told him if he really wanted to go, then he should.

Dc and I had a weekend away together a few weeks ago when he was working - and he missed us like mad..made him realise he'd find it hard being a long way away from us at what is a family time of year.

So, when we were all at her house, he told SIL thanks for the offer, he'd considered it carefully, but he didn't feel he could be away from us for the wedding, and we couldn't all afford to go.

SIL harumphed, turned her back and said in a very cantankerous tone "oh well, it's up to you" (hard to get across her tone here, but it was quite nasty).

I bit my lip, couldn't be bothered to say anything, but was angry at her reaction.

Dh pretended not to notice, but both dc remarked on it later (without either me or dh referring to it at all). Dc1 said "Aunty x was a bit off with you daddy" - they'd been facing her and said they saw her turn away quite angrily and flounce into the kitchen(I had had my back to her and heard enough from her voice).

Dh maintains she'd been very understanding in all the discussions he'd had with her previously..not sure I believe that, I think she'd been trying to pressurise him and blames me for him not going...which isn't the case.

There...feel better now that rant is over...not worth having a row with her about, but wanted to get it off my chest.

sdr Mon 15-Sep-08 20:58:37

Had a similar discussion with SIL about visiting very ill FIL on other side of the world. Could only afford to send DH which we explained (sadly his dad died while he was flying there). A month later is still not talking to me. They have lots of money so it is horrible to say, no we've not got enough. Agree not worth having a row with her about it - could you DH telephone his niece and explain.

Chequers Mon 15-Sep-08 21:01:17

How come she's getting married over there?

Twelvelegs Mon 15-Sep-08 21:02:51

Why would he go without you? SIL sounds a bit weirdy sister to a younger (?) brother.

edam Mon 15-Sep-08 21:07:51

Unless there's a huge back story here, SIL is being a bit of a cow. Is the bridezilla thing now spreading to their mothers?

I can see that she might be disappointed, but it's a lot to ask.

greenandpleasant Mon 15-Sep-08 21:11:48

when you say Christmas, do you mean actually Christmas- Day, Boxing day etc - away from you?

I don't think you're being unreasonable anyway but to be away at Christmas would be extra-not-unreasonable ... if that makes sense!

crimbo2008 Mon 15-Sep-08 21:45:35

No good reason that I can see why they're getting married there - they're both from the same town in the UK - I think it's just their wish to marry there, good luck to them - but it's a big ask to think everyone will be able to afford to go.

The wedding is between Xmas and New Year, but would mean dh travelling boxing day and coming back New Year's day.

I've already said to our niece that it's unlikely we'll be going - dh does need to phone her to tell her for definite...he's not good at doing things like this, but better if it comes from him.

SIL is a bit bossy and is becoming more like my late MIL every day - MIL never forgave me for taking her little boy away!

dizzydixies Mon 15-Sep-08 21:48:17

I got married at christmas (27th Dec) and when we choose that date, for our own reasons, we accepted fully that a lot of people wouldn't come for exactly that reason

am sure your neice will have thought all that through as well and should understand it

Jux Mon 15-Sep-08 21:53:01

Do they live out there? I can't think of any other reason to get married there - especially at that time of year - and to expect people to actually attend. It's mental, and they're all madgrin

crimbo2008 Mon 15-Sep-08 21:58:07

Thanks Jux - no, they don't live out there, and yes, they are all mad - it will be bone-chillingly cold for one thing.

If we had the £4k to spare we would be there though, it's just there are other pressures on our cash.

greenandpleasant Mon 15-Sep-08 21:58:45

in that case you are absolutely not being unreasonable - your dh would be away for a big chunk of your dc's christmas time, holidays if they are at school, your time off if you work ... and if you are SAHM and they are not at school it is still one of those times of year when you can all just have family time together.

also getting married in a completely different country for no apparent reason - fine, their choice but don't let your SIL make you feel bad for not spending your hard earned cash on going to her daughter's wedding. she should be more gracious.

Jux Mon 15-Sep-08 22:19:03

Bonkers.

It's bad enough when your bf decides to have her hen party in Monaco or wherever the latest fashionable hen-party place is; at least my friend who did that offered to pay for people to get there!

Apparently the world is in financial meltdown and soon no-one'll be unable to afford to buy cheap Chinese technology, let alone spend £ks on flights/hotels etc to attend a wedding at Xmas. Lots of people will be hard pushed to pay for a turkey.

If the mad bint wants you there, she could charter a plane to take everyone!

dizzydixies Mon 15-Sep-08 22:23:22

pmsl Jux @ mad bint grin

TheHedgeWitch Mon 15-Sep-08 22:41:56

Message withdrawn

StayFrosty Tue 16-Sep-08 00:58:11

yanbu at all. fgs, they have chosen to get married, abroad, at Christmas and are surprised that some people find attending an issue? imo, they are the ones who made a choice to have a v family unfriendly wedding scenario, they made it willingly and so it is a bit rich to turn round and have the hump now. I have nothing against people having lavish productions or unfeasibly complicated weddings (well, maybe a bit, i think it's a bit daft myself tbh but if it floats your boat.....) but people should realise that in choosing this stuff they are also actively choosing to limit their guest list and this is under their control, not their guests'.

fortyplus Tue 16-Sep-08 02:16:14

YANBU BUT I suspect you're being oversensitive about sil's reaction. She obviously desperately wanted her brother to be at her dd's wedding and over reacted when she heard that he wasn't going. Don't let her behaviour affect your relationship - it's not worth it. smile

LadyPenelope Tue 16-Sep-08 04:55:59

Suspect your niece and her future DH, won't be the least bit worried about you not being there. When they chose to get married in US over Christmas, they probably knew it would limit the number and the kind of people who could attend and this may even have been part of their plan. Perhaps your niece knew her mother would take over proceedings and that's why she's chosen to do it overseas to get a smaller wedding and her kind of wedding with her close friends/family only.

Your SIL is being totally unreasonable - just ignore, speak to your niece, wish her a fabulous time - send flowers/telegram/gift whatever to show you are thinking of them and if you feel like it celebrate with them (and even you SIL when she gets back.)

crimbo2008 Tue 16-Sep-08 09:32:55

I don't think I'm being oversensitive about SIL reaction - she's bonkers at the best of times, I just felt like a rant on here rather than have a row with her...she was very aggressive and dc picked up on that.

Dh is phoning our niece today...she's being a bit bridezilla in that when I initially spoke to her months ago after the invitation arrived and said I didn't think we'd be able to attend, she said "but there won't be many family there".

No, of course there won't be many family there you madwoman, not when it's going to cost about £1,000 each to do it (on top of normal Christmas expenses).

Didn't say that either though!

crimbo2008 Tue 16-Sep-08 09:34:19

I should add, that no matter how bonkers, I really do wish them all the best and dh and I are looking forward to shopping for a lovely present for them, which we can afford to be generous with if we're not forking out to attend the wedding.

LadyPenelope Tue 16-Sep-08 15:39:09

You are right the bride is bonkers if she automatically thought you'd all be able to attend! She may even realise that in 10 years or so if she has family of her own!

crimbo2008 Tue 16-Sep-08 17:35:06

That's what makes it even more bonkers - the bride already has 2 dc - aged 8 and a newborn, who'll be about 5 months old at the time of the wedding.

BlingLovin Tue 16-Sep-08 17:41:10

I'm getting married in South Africa next year. My brother and his daughter (who will be a flower girl) are definitely coming. But we totally accept that it might be harder for SIL and their son (who will be 9 months then). I understand why they're upset, but they should be realistic about what's doable.

She's probably upset because he's choosing his "new" family over his "old" family as she was offering to pay - it's not about the money that he's not going alone.

fortyplus Tue 16-Sep-08 21:31:22

crimbo2008 I have two slightly unhinged SILs so I sympathise!

crimbo2008 Wed 17-Sep-08 08:39:51

Thanks for the support - Bling - interesting you say we're his 'new' family - we've been together almost 25 years and married for over 20! But I suspect you're right.

BlingLovin Wed 17-Sep-08 10:41:38

I know, crazy isn't it? My aunt still resents my mother not being at her beck and call - she has four children and has been married for 40 years!

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