to think that my sister is being taken for the most colossal ride by her (hopefully soon to be ex) partner?

[gabygirl]

..... Name change regular here, looking for some advice. Apologies for long post.

A brief summary of the situation. 5 years ago when they got together she was an independent woman with her own flat, earning £40K a year as a senior teacher. He was a divorced barrister who was going through bankruptcy proceedings. When he works he earns well but as he doesn't organise his (very complex) finances properly or remember to pay tax he is always getting into trouble with money. He hasn't worked regularly during the time they have been together because he has been banned on several occasions by his professional body for misconduct related to cases he's handled (if you believe my sister this is never his fault). So for the past 2 years they have primarily been living on her salary as a part time supply teacher (she left her good job when they first got together after having a bit of a breakdown related to drink/drug problems). She gives him money every week to buy food/fags/go to the pub, and also pays his 16 year daughter's mobile phone bill (the daughter lives with her mum in Scotland).

She now wants to move on from the relationship partly because she is sick of his stupidity over their financial affairs, but also because he is verbally abusive to her - has told her she's fat and made insulting comments about her appearance in front of mutual friends. When they first got together he was also very violent to her but she says that he hasn't hit her since then. He is a heavy drinker and smoker and since she's been with him she has also started to drink much more than she'd ever done before. As a result she has put on 2 stone and has physically changed a lot. A few months into the relationship she sold her flat to pay off debts partly accrued through the coke habit she developed when she first got together with him (he was a very heavy coke user). She stopped taking coke after a while - went for counselling, which helped. However, she has no money left from the sale of her flat now at all. All the equity has gone on their living expenses over the past few years.

She won't hear any criticism of him and is saying to the family that she needs to keep giving him money to live on even though she is saying she wants to move out of their home. He hasn't worked for months, but when he did last work he paid 6 months rent and all the bills up front on their house that she no longer wants to live in with him and that - if she doesn't move back into - he will continue to live in on his own. As I said, he is not working, and it does not look likely that this is going to change any time soon. He won't claim benefits because he can't be doing with the administrative complexity of it - his financial affairs are still very murky because of the bankruptcy.

She feels that if she doesn't give him money he will be destitute and she feels sorry for him. My feelings are 'fuck him' - he's made a mess of everything he's every been involved with because he's a selfish, stupid bastard who's ground her down over the past five years and taken everything from her: her home, her professional success, her self-esteem, her financial security.

What do you think? Is my sister the ultimate 'fool for love'?

[nametaken]

YANBU - I never fail to feel incredulous by women who stay with men that treat them badly.

[edam]

agree with you, sod him. But the most important thing is to get your sister to leave, or chuck him out - worry about the other stuff AFTER she's actually got rid of him.