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To think people who ask for money as a wedding gift are vulgar and rude!

(284 Posts)
mimabear Fri 12-Sep-08 23:45:22

I'm going to a wedding soon, the couple in question have lived together for several years and say they don't need anything, hence the request for money.
Now I don't mind buying from a wedding list or even giving gift vouchers, but the idea of giving hard cash (or a cheque?!) seems distasteful.
So much so that I'm not sure I shall go after all.

LOVEMYMUM Fri 12-Sep-08 23:49:25

Well, it's better than receiving crap you don't want! HTH

Hobnobfanatic Fri 12-Sep-08 23:50:22

What, really, does it matter? If you are going to spend £x on a toaster, or a voucher, how does that differ from giving them the £x in cash? If it helps them out and helps them get something big - like a new bed or something - what difference does it make to you? Surely it's better that your gift goes to good use than to be collecting dust in the back of a cupboard somewhere?

unavailable Fri 12-Sep-08 23:51:25

No YANBU. The whole money instead of present thing makes me very uncomfortable. How old are they / how long have they been co-habiting?

falcon Fri 12-Sep-08 23:51:36

YANBU.There is no polite way to ask for a cash gift.

This is reguarly discussed on the Etiquette Hell forum and the conclusion is always that it's downright rude.

PeaMcLean Fri 12-Sep-08 23:51:37

Are they saving up for something specific?

FabioBigBangBlackHole Fri 12-Sep-08 23:53:35


It's vulgar.
You sort of feel like you're paying an entrance fee to the wedding.
And you can't get them a bargain, or something unusual it's hard to price, if you're skint.

If they've got everything, they can have gifts from the Oxfam catalogue.

LOVEMYMUM Fri 12-Sep-08 23:53:36

Maybe are putting money to one side for future children? Or maybe they are using it to pay debts. I went to a wedding years ago and my friend said she was using the wedding money to pay off her new husband's debts (before cutting up his credit card!!!)

FabioBigBangBlackHole Fri 12-Sep-08 23:54:46

I don't want to pay off anyone else's debts.
I want to give a gift.

TheInvisibleManDidIt Fri 12-Sep-08 23:55:16

When Dh & I got married we alrady had the house and everything in it. The most useful gifts were cash.

It only gets unreasonable when you have a 'show of presents' type thing and leave little cards saying 'x gave££ amount'

(as in case of sil)

babbi Fri 12-Sep-08 23:55:21

My brother and his wife got an invite to a wedding last year , for both bride and groom it was second time round.
They enclosed a note saying that as they had all usual things that were normally given as gifts they would be grateful for money towards buying a new outdoor jacuzzi.
My very down to earth brother fumed - I`ll give them a f&&&& ing bucket of water !!

Yanbu , it is rude and people should be grateful for anything received

trumpetgirl Fri 12-Sep-08 23:55:36

I think you may be slightly unreasonable. Perhaps they want to put it towards the honeymoon or something they couldn't otherwise afford.
However, they could have told you this and then you probably wouldn't think it was as unreasonable!

unavailable Fri 12-Sep-08 23:55:59

LOVEMYMUM - I assume they are now divorced?

expatinscotland Fri 12-Sep-08 23:56:27


They're the reason Oxfam Gifts Unwrapped were created.

If they're paying off debts they need to get married in a registry office, not have a big wedding and expect everyone to pay for it like some kind of entrance fee.

Gauche in the extreme.

Gifts Unwrapped or a nice card and nowt else for folks like that.

mimabear Fri 12-Sep-08 23:57:06

They are early thirties and didn't state what they would be spending any money on.
co-habiting for five plus years.
unavailable - exactly! uncomfortable is just how it makes me feel.

expatinscotland Fri 12-Sep-08 23:57:12

Spot on, Fabio.

FabioBigBangBlackHole Fri 12-Sep-08 23:58:39

expat you posted my exact thoughts on the baby shower thread

are we now even? grin

daffodill6 Fri 12-Sep-08 23:58:59

Understand where u'r coming from mima ...for me too its 'not the done thing'.

But .. I also have experience of other european cultures where giving money is the 'right' thing to do .. or even pinning it to dresses etc and in my experience the generosity goes far, far, beyond a toaster or even the kitchen to put it in. Family generosity is often huge in comparison to similar uk situations.

LOVEMYMUM Fri 12-Sep-08 23:59:04

Dunno - ex-boyfriend's brother and his wife. I did wonder what she was doing with him - although she did train as an accountant! smile

If a couple really don't need the money, they can always donate it to charity, eg, Red Cross and local hospital appeals.

expatinscotland Sat 13-Sep-08 00:00:00

then they should ask for donations to their chosen charity, not money gifts for themselves as guests.

tacky, tacky, tacky.

PeaMcLean Sat 13-Sep-08 00:00:19

YANBU if they want to buy something special you would approve of.

Depends on whether they've said what it is.

Hobnobfanatic Sat 13-Sep-08 00:01:45

What the hell is different between a voucher and money? None!

expatinscotland Sat 13-Sep-08 00:03:55

well, the voucher has to be used in the shop of the giver's choice, for one.

when we get invites asking for money, we give either Oxfam unwrapped or nothing but a card.

seriously, it's SO fecking vulgar.

my first cousin married and asked for nowt, even though it's first time for both of them, they are pretty young (23) and he is a soldier in Afghanistan just now so they're setting up their first place.

she didn't even register.

i gave her a phat ol' voucher at a shop i know she likes.

thumbwitch Sat 13-Sep-08 00:07:01

Yes YABU and this thread keeps cropping up every month it seems.

Some people KNOW that their guests are going to want to give them something, they have enough stuff, so they quite reasonably suggest that some money towards something they really need or can't afford for themselves would be a nice alternative.

Unless they are insisting that you give them cash or you can't go to the wedding, give them a break.

expatinscotland Sat 13-Sep-08 00:08:33

Well, if they have enough stuff then they don't need a gift at all then.

If they're saving for something that's their lookout, not their guests'.

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