RANT ALERT, ... daughter upset + cries, wants to stay at dads more

[yerblurt]

Right this is a rant.

Daughter staying overnight for her fri o/n stay (the parenting schedule atm is week 1: fri,sat,sun o/n - collect + drop off from school; Week 2: fri o/n, collect from school drop off at mum's sat morning, half the holidays, all backed up in the form of a shared res order. Daughter is 5 1/2).

Tonight, after her bed-time story we were discussing what's happening tomorrow - daughter has started doing proper swimming lessons on a sat morn. This week I'm taking her swimming as mum 'has to wait in for an electrician sat morn' (i.e. either her new punter is staying or a telly is being delivered depending on which story I choose to believe).

So daughter starts getting upset and asks when she's staying next at dad's - next fri I say,

daughter looks upset and starts getting a bit tearful, "why can't I stay more at dad's? It's one night, why can't I stay more?"

"I'm sorry darling, I can't do anything about it. We'll have a nice time tomorrow, I'll drop you off at mum's. I'll speak to you on the phone to say night and next week you'll be staying for 3 sleeps".

Daughter is in full tearful mode, wiping her nose and hugging me, "I won't be able to say night night to XXX" (me and partner have a new baby who's 1 year old now)

"I'm sorry darling, I can't do anything about it. It's what mum decided" ... well it is. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat too much to my daughter. Her mother CHOSE this situation (in fact, she wanted it even less - the old fall back of alternate weekends). I'm getting pretty upset at this time too.

So eventually manage to settle daughter, she was having a bit of a cry just now and me and partner went in and played a game to settle her - the pretend to kiss her but blow a bit raspberry on her cheek. That got a smile....

So I just want to rant.

Apparently all the fu*king "EXPERTS" (the judges, cafcass, mum etc) ALL know what's best for daughter - that child staying midweek for one or two consecutive o/n's will be somehow "DISRUPTIVE" or "UNSETTLING".

They don't see and have to deal with what I've just had to deal with upstairs-

A 5 1/2 year old girl who's crying her eyes out because she wants to stay at dads more and can't understand why she can't. Why she can't stay at dads longer because "that's fair" in her own words. "Why do I have to stay at mum's a long time and dad's a short time?" ...

THERE YOU HAVE IT IN ONE. THE LOGIC OF THE SITUATION FROM A 5 YEAR OLD.

Answers? 'because your mum is a selfish bitch who realises she can get more CSA money. because your 'mother' is so selfish she wants you all of the time but will palm you off at a minutes notice and complains that she has no social life".

I'm a mixture of pissed off, horrified, upset and just plain bloody mad at the situation.

Yet the "experts" all know what the best solution is don't they?

... well they don't have to deal with a little girl who's really upset that she can't stay more at her dads. That is all there is to it.

end of rant.

[ethanchristopher]

awww. you are right

each situation is completely different and should not be put under the rule of thumb tha "mothers are best for the child"

however you need to make sure your not palming off your upset at the situation onto your daughter

you need to act as neutral around her as possible cause she will resent you when shes onlder if you dont

believe me. its CRAP having parents that fight over you all the time, although it sounds like your handling the situation pretty well.

why not talk to a lawyer and ask about possible paths to go from here regarding more custody e.t.c

[mamazee]

the charity 'families need fathers' have been great support for my dp in his difficulties with his ex.they have a helpline and support groups.
i am really sorry...it is so rubbish going through this.
i can only reiterate what ethan said. parents even slightly bitching about each other is traumatising and wholly confusing.
it can be so hard.
good luck

[seeker]

And don't tell her it's he mother's fault. It may very will be, but don't tell her it is.

[mamazee]

here here seeker.
she is her mother and she will do what it takes to defend her mother.
great advise from a friend of mine..."be the kind of man you want her to marry"
is there anything that your daughter needs support with ?
could she be trying to ask for your help in a round about way ? could it be your new baby ?
maybe she wants to stay longer as she wants to talk to you about something ...my step ds does that.

[yerblurt]

ethan - I'm quite sure I'm not projecting anything onto my daughter thank you. In fact I've been VERY concious NOT to project anything. My daughter is very acute, she herself says unprompted that she knows she can't stay at dad's more because mum says so. I'm not going to lie to her, because the danger is that she will resent me. The truth is just that - mum applied to court for sole residency when there was a shared care arrangement in place that was going well, daughter was fine with it, the ex unilaterally tried to change the schedule, refused to talk, refused to attend mediation when I had made all the appointments and thought she could get all she wanted by going to court. No good talking to solicitors - I sacked mine due to her total ineptitude. Anyway there is a shared residency order in place and it IS possible to apply to court for variance of the order, but that has to be in response to a change of schedule that is already happening (catch 22) or if the child is old enough to be listened to - and at this age CAFCASS will just back up mum.

mamazee - yeah I know of FNF, being a member and a branch organiser myself!

seeker/mamazee - she knows that she can't stay at dads more because mum says so, she's very canny. Hey, all I can hope is that with a couple more years she gets more bolshy and will decide herself. In the meantime this sort of thing goes on, it's very very stressful and upsetting.

I don't think there is anything daughter needs support with, I do heaps of stuff, as well as helping out with the school and taking daughter to tennis and swimming, I really do loads with extra tuition for her english and math... not that mum does that sort of thing!!!

just having a rant really

[seeker]

"I'm sorry darling, I can't do anything about it. It's what mum decided" ... well it is. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat too much to my daughter. Her mother CHOSE this situation"

I agree that you're in a shitty position - and you need to rant. But you mustn't blame her mother (even if it's her mother's fault. Think long term. Maybe you have to lie and sugar coat - she's only 5.

[evangelina]

Agree dittany. Appalling and scary. Poor child.

[yerblurt]

seeker - I'm very careful to protect daughter as much as possible from the reality of the parenting of her mum. She's not daft, being a very bright girl, and she does realise why she can't stay at dad's more, she articulates it herself (without any prompting) and IS upset.

I don't want daughter to be upset, I don't want to see her in this state but I do wonder about her relationship with mum if she will start to resent mum precisely because of the current parenting schedule. She may IMHO do bad inconsistent bad parenting, but at the end of the day, she's still daughter's mum... I just feel upset that's all.

[AnarchyAunt]

If 'all the experts' have agreed on the amount of time your dd spends with you, then it is IMO unfair to tell her that it's 'what mummy decided'.

It does sound very difficult for both you and your dd but I have to agree with the comments about the attitude you display by insinuating that her mother is a prostitute. If that is the way you think of her, then you dd (who you describe as canny and bright) will pick up on that.

[PersephoneSnape]

what were the circumstances of your break up? you seem to be quite settled and happy with your new partner and baby, yet refer to your ex as 'selfish and with no social life'

you're a branch organiser of FNF? although you obviously love your daughter a lot and do a lot with her,your attitude towards your ex doesn't exactly make you a poster boy for FNF. you look as if you resent your exes relationships (punter?!) and it really isn't any of your business if she buys a new telly, is it? as long as your daughter has everything she needs, then she can spend her money how she wants - your maintenance, if you pay the CSA minimum, won't do anything like cover teh basic needs of a child.

[yerblurt]

The experts were led by mum - it IS what mummy decided actually.

Insinuating mum is a prostitute, give over, you must be reading too much into things, late night was it? rolls eyes

[PersephoneSnape]

so who is her latest 'punter' then? does she have a string of boyfriends all queing up? because if she does and your daughter is at yours and doesn't meet these men, how is it any of your business?

[yerblurt]

persephone:
the ex decided that she wanted the marriage to end. She basically chucked me out, who knows what her real reasons were? It must have been planned for a while because 2 weeks later she was going out with an ex-bf, nice. Anyway, I sorted myself out, took a while but I did.

my ex is selfish and controlling and probably a bit resentful - but she hasn't moved on with her life. I don't say that in a smug way, just a factual way. It may not suit the mafia of mumsnet that 'mum can do no wrong' but that's the reality.

I don't care what the ex spends her money on, whether it be a new telly etc (and yes I do pay child maintenance thank you, me and the ex had a private arrangement, she got greedy and wanted more, went to the CSA and now gets less - god konws why she did it). I do, however, have issues when daughter doesn't have much food in the house for dinner/tea (independently verified from 2 different sources) etc. I fulfill my responsibilities thank you and put my daughter first, before me. I make sure she has proper food, a proper breakfast, is appopriately clothed in clothes that fit her - and I have more expenses than the ex. Besides the ex can claim all the child benefit and tax credits, whereas I am eligible for none, despite daughter living wiht me for a third of the time - but that is the discriminatory and inflexible way the benefits system is currently set up and cannot 'deal' with shared care arrangements.

[PersephoneSnape]

I'm sorry that you had such a hard time when you were chucked out i know it's absolutely soul destroying, heart breaking when something like this happens. However, ( a big however) you've got a lovely new family - i can understand your daughter wanting to be around your new baby - sometimes to 5 1/2 year olds, indeed everyone, babies are just the most wonderful thing ever. you do need to try and let some of your feelings towards your ex go a little - you do still seem overly concerned with her lifestyle outwith how that affects your daughter. from where your ex is, she may feel that you have a new stable relationship, new baby etc and 'all' your ex has is the crappy bits of looking after your daughter for longer periods than you, but with no additional help from your new partner etc, she may be feeling wary that you want to try for full custody given the stability of your new family ( I know of situations where single mothers are terrified that new families look 'better' than their family because they have mummy/daddy/baby and look more traditional.

could you approach your ex to reassure her that you don't want full custody and offer to slightly increase your access, moving towards a shared care situation. i think you need to do this very subtly, but reassure her that you don't want full custody (you don't? do you?) she's probably comparing her life to yours and is jealous of the stability, new baby etc - but you have to appreciate that, even if it was her decision to end her relationship with you, that she thinks you look like a better option, particularly if your dd goes home and says ' i want to spend more time with dad, they have x y & z and do a b & c and you don't.

[AnarchyAunt]

You said 'i.e [....] her new punter is staying'.

That is insinuating that she is a prostitute.

[nbee84]

JMO - even though you ave a new partner & child your posts do come across as if yu haven't left the past behind. It does sound as if you need to move on and stop the resentment.

As to your daughter - it sounds like you have a lovely relationship, she obviously adores her Daddy. But try not to blame Mum for the time she cannot spend with you, even if it is her doing. You are very lucky to spend all that time with her. I know 2 fathers who have no or very limited access to their children. Try to see the positives.

[ElenorRigby]

Persephone...
Im Mr Blurts DP. No he dosnt want full custody he never has neither have I. Both of us firmly believe that his DD have an equitable relationship with both her parents. DP's DD used to love staying at "mummy's a long time and daddy's a long time" She used to be with us tuesday through to monday and thne with her mum until the next week. But mum decided without discussion on changing that while dad was trying to talk to her, she started court proceedings. DP's DD still remembers how it used to be and wants to return to her old routine.
As for feelings for his ex, his concerns are about her very poor parenting of their daughter. A friend of hers recently called him concerned about the ex's parenting and bascially said she would be a witness if it went through social services. Just 2 night back when DP phoned to say good night to his 5 year old DD, mum had to go outside to find her. She lets her play out on a busy inner city street in a rough area unsupervised sigh
He's a wonderful parent and worries endlessly about his beautiful DD.

[Bettyboobird]

The OP comes across as having very negative feelings towards his ex-I've no idea of the story behind your breakup, but surely you should show some respect towards her, as she is the mother of the child you love so much.

It would have broken my heart to hear my dad insinuating that my unhappiness was all my mother's fault ('it's what mummy wanted'). Seems a bit immature to me-especially when coupled with comments on her love life...

[evangelina]

I really fear for this mother- FNF, "punter", "social services", waiting to daughter to get more "bolshy", paying bare minimum of CSA, -she sounds really up against it. I'm sure a totally different side to this sad situation could be presented. A lot of resentment and manipulation is coming across- maybe that's what the experts picked up on but you chose to blame all on the mother and "total ineptitude" of the solicitor.

[ElenorRigby]

Love your wasting your time posting here it's plain MsNet loves poor victim mothers, of course they can do no wrong.
Whereas of course second families and fathers are always bad.

[scaredoflove]

Not all of us!

I really feel for men. I can safetly say I hate my ex but he is a fab father and it is my job as a mother to make sure my kids have a fair and happy relationship with their dad

Some (and I say some) women just want to control their exes still and the way to do that is with the kids

It's pathetic to go straight on the side of the mother, it's the same on here every day

To have picked up on 'punter' when everyday we see people calling OW slags/sluts and exes bastard and wanker, too many double standards

[estuaryfairy]

Erm, isn't it a bit weird to be talking to your partner on a public forum ElenorRigby? Couldn't you just call or text? You do seem a bit smug tbh and yerblurt's post was particularly nasty and bitter against his DD's mum.

[Mumi]

ElenorRigby & yerblurt : if you're going to post on AIBU, you should expect that some, most or even all posters will reply that YABU, rather than just with what you want to hear

[clam]

Oh, for goodness' sake! What's with all the hair-splitting? Give the OP a break.
I didn't read "punter" and think 'prostitute.' It's just a turn of phrase for boyfriend.
I don't think estuaryfairy was talking to her partner, either. Nor does she sound smug. She's trying to put his side across from a woman's perspective.
Why do so many assume that the mother must be in the right, and the dad bitter and living in the past? It sounds as if he has genuine concerns for his daughter's welfare. And good for him. There are too many threads on here where the exes aren't seen for dust.