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to be really hacked off that DP has 'decided' that he will be playing football every saturday?

(152 Posts)
Cantstandthefootball Thu 11-Sep-08 10:18:49

DP is sports mad - loves playing and watching it. He has for the last few years been playing football every sat and one night in the week training. This stopped early this year when DS was born. A couple of months ago he said he wanted to play football again and would play for the second team so would mean that he wouldn't have to play every saturday. I said ok, i understand that he needs to have his own interests and needs to let off a bit of steam at the weekends. He has a stressful job and often has to work long hours. I am still on maternity leave but will be going back to work in Dec.
The problem is he has now said he will be playing every sat unless there is 'a family occasion or wedding' and he is out most of the day. It is an hours drive and he has to be there an hour before they play so means he is out of the house from 12pm till 6pm. For me it just feels like it is another day he is at work.

compo Thu 11-Sep-08 10:25:29

it's a hard one
my bil gave up all his interests when my sister had her first child, at her insistence
He ended up with depression as all he did was work and didn't see any of his mates any more
The first thing the gp suggested to him was to start up a sport again

FeelingLucky Thu 11-Sep-08 10:28:49

yes, this one is a bit tricky ... on the one hand I'd be over the moon if my DH did a bit of exercise, on the other I know what you mean about another day at work.
He's made a compromise by playing for second team ... so maybe YABU ??
difficult one.

Cantstandthefootball Thu 11-Sep-08 10:30:36

I understand that - its not like he doesn't see his friends and sometimes goes to the pub to watch the footie at the weekends
We also both try to get to the gym in the week if he DP gets home in time from work. I don't want to stop him doing the things he enjoys but at the same time I feel that he should be spending most of the weekend together as a family. The season goes on until next summer fgs!!

Cantstandthefootball Thu 11-Sep-08 10:32:30

I don't know much about football but he said that playing for the 2nd team meant he wouyldn't have to play every sat but now he is saying he will play every sat unless there is a 'special ocasion' Maybe I will have to arrange a special occasion every sat!!

Uriel Thu 11-Sep-08 10:32:42

If you told him you would be out of the house for the same amount of time on Sunday, every Sunday, how would he react?

CostaRicanCod Thu 11-Sep-08 10:32:56

i thinkfair enough

why cant he?

CostaRicanCod Thu 11-Sep-08 10:33:13

why dont you take upa hobby then to?

mayorquimby Thu 11-Sep-08 10:34:45

yabu, people have to have a life outside of the family.
organise some time to yourself once a week.
if he refuses/kicks up a fuss then he is BVU

gingernutlover Thu 11-Sep-08 10:36:34

cantstandthefootball, do you ahve an interest as well?

Maybe if you went out several evenings a week to aerobics classes or spent half of sunday at the gym you wouldnt feel so frustrtaed at being the one left at home with the baby. If he is not prepared to be at home with baby for you to do this then he should not go to the football. Ideally you shoudl both have some time of your own.

fwiw, i would like my dh to have an interest, would be happy if he went out an evening a week, or half a day at the weekend.

But, if he works long hours and you are basically at home with the baby 24/7 then i can totally understand your frustration at what he is suggesting.

Make sure you are getting some you time as well, and make sure this is in place before you go back to work, I didnt and now feel like i spend my entire life either working or childcaring with no break. I am now insisting that this changes but it has been that way for so long it's hard to ring the changes.

Jennyusedtobepink Thu 11-Sep-08 10:37:00

I completely understand and agree with you. My dh works late most nights, and dd doesn't really see him during the week. He 'announced' to me a month or so ago that he had bought a bloody season ticket for his football team. Cheeky git didn't even discuss it with me. And he complains when dd won't go to him!

YANBU at all.

BlingLovin Thu 11-Sep-08 10:37:30

Mmm... I think you understand he needs non work/non family activity but it's hard for both of you. Obviously, one choice is as suggested here that you get to do your own thing on one day of the weekend - eg Saturday mornings he takes kids out or stayes home with them while you do your thing. But if it's family time you want, can you insist then that there is no flexibility on saturday nights or Sundays? "You're playing football all Saturday afternoon so Sundays are entirely about family and us doing things together"?

Or could you go watch the games? Or too boring?

gingernutlover Thu 11-Sep-08 10:37:57

oops took too long to type hehe just repeated what others said

florenceuk Thu 11-Sep-08 10:38:23

I think fair enought to be hacked off but actually, it's good for him to play football. You need to make sure that you negotiate what you want as well though - either time off for you on Sunday or commitment from him for family time (don't want to pre-judge what you'd want - if it were me I'd be asking for Sunday off as recompense!)

MrsMattie Thu 11-Sep-08 10:39:14

It is a tricky one, and one of those ones you can only negotiate between the two of you, really, as there is no right or wrong thing to do, imo.

My DH goes to watch his team play almost every Saturday - leaves about midday and gets back about 6pm. Sometimes it pisses me off, but mostly I respect the fact that he has a hobby he enjoys. In fairness, he also makes sure that Saturday mornings are productive (he does loads around the house / does the shopping etc) or he takes DS out for the morning to give me a break. And if I book him in ahead for family stuff, or if I'm really not well or something, he generally won't go.

Just be glad that your husband isn't also an England fan who travels away to see them! DH is currently winging his way back from Croatia (temperature about 80 degrees, nice hotel, cold beers) while I wash the kitchen floor and look out at the pissing rain sad grin

CostaRicanCod Thu 11-Sep-08 10:39:37

MEN AND WOMEN NEED TIME AWAY FROM WORK AND FAMILY TO DO STUFF IMO

gingernutlover Thu 11-Sep-08 10:39:53

hmmm i would be asking for some me time AND some didicated family time too actually.

what about if you went shopping or somthing on a sat morning and he had the kids? and then all sat evening and all day sunday sacred for family time?

casbie Thu 11-Sep-08 10:40:10

can't he play for a more local team?

an hour a way seems unreasonable with a one year old to look after, and limited contact (by the sounds of it during the week).

if the team was down the road, he could have 3 hours in the afternoon instead, including a drink down the pub. unless he has dreams of becoming pro, of course!

my hubby plays pool every friday night. he's a house-husband, so i'm chuffed that he wants go out and meet people (as he's quite shy normally). he started when the children were about a year old. also, if there's a family event on, he will say he can't join team (they have a few reserves).

he's just asked if he can join a tuesday league as well, and i said 'fine, as long as i can go to my knitting group once a month'. our children are all over three now though and (mainly) sleep through the night.

don't know if that helps really?!

eandh Thu 11-Sep-08 10:40:18

We have this with dh he has footie practice on a wednesday night (but fine he puts dd2 to bed then goes whilst I put dd1 to bed) 5 a side footie thursday night (again fine as its 8pm and the dd's in bed and he is only out for an hour) then will also go for a run most nights (no problem because he normally goesa for about 30mins either whilst I am having a bath or cooking dinner) he then also plays footie saturday afternoon (normally out from 12.30 to 4.30ish) but the deal is if I want to go out on any of the nights/sat afternoon he doesnt go (normally I go and see my parents with teh dd's on saturday afternoon or at the moment it seems we have birthday parties galore)

I used to get really stressed about it and not want him going off all the time but tbh the time he is out I can MN in peace or catch up with something on sky +, phone a mate and have a chat in peace etc etc and he finally understands the bit that if I am busy he doesnt go (that took a few months to sink in wink)

He is very into fitness (wants to train for a triathlon so bikes to and from work every day which is about 10miles and then runs most days) and apart from footie subs none of it costs money (used to when he'd dissapear to the pub after footie but that has stopped now as dd1 asks him to be home to do her bath on saturdays)

gingernutlover Thu 11-Sep-08 10:41:18

mrs mattie shock and sad at poor you being left behind, if it was me i would be very quickly booking a trip to the xmas markets minus kids, for me and the girls grin

Cappuccino Thu 11-Sep-08 10:43:48

agree they need time

not a whole day every farking weekend tho is just taking the piss

you are supposed to sit on own with child - and don't say 'go and see your friends' because they are with their dh's at weekend

bet you are meant to make his dinner as well for when he comes back

and wash the grubby items

fark off

eandh Thu 11-Sep-08 10:45:47

I suppose I should add that I was pissed off about it when I only had dd1 but was pg with dd2 (shit pregnancy) but now the dds are 4 and 20months and on the whole sleep well plus I work 2 days a week and dd1 at preschool 3 mornings a week therefore I now don;t feel like I am stuck at home all day every day like I used to

thebecster Thu 11-Sep-08 10:47:05

Very tricky. With my DH it was work rather than sport. He used to be working lots of weekends and lates, and I got a bit stuck in the house childcaring (even though I work too).

For us it started to change when he noticed that like Jennyusedtobepink says, DS just wouldn't go to him. One day DH said 'It's always mummy, mummy, he doesn't like me' and I said 'Well, he doesn't know you very well.' Which was harsh, but I was knackered at the time. Shortly after that my exhaustion turned into viral meningitis, DH had to cancel everything and do the nursery runs etc. and spend more time with DS for a while. DS warmed to him, and now they have a really close bond. DH still works a lot, but he realises now that if he isn't around, DS will just forget he exists. DS is a fickle little blighter like that...

gingernutlover Thu 11-Sep-08 10:47:29

i think the real problem a lot of us have is that the woman is the default carer (obviously are exceptions) and basically expected to look after the children unless they make specific arrangements.

LindenAvery Thu 11-Sep-08 10:48:30

'The incredible thing is that so many fathers who have never missed a window of opportunity in their jobs or careers, pass by the window of childhood as if it will never close.'

Rob Parsons The Sixty Minute Father

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