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To think unjustified accusations of child abuse is out of order

(85 Posts)
roseability Tue 09-Sep-08 14:21:34

I am not a troll just genuinely shocked and upset by posts that are downright bullying and abusive in nature.

I am well prepared for the fact that I am going to get slated for this but I really feel this should be a website for support, advice and a bit of a laugh.

Nothing wrong with a debate and difference of opinion in a respectful manner but when people start getting accused of child abuse unfairly I can't help feeling angry.

My father mentally abused me as a child and young person. All in the name of 'constructive criticism' and 'telling it how it is' and to 'toughen me up'. I ended up in counselling.

My point is twofold. For those of you that feel it is okay to insult someone because they should be able to take it on a website such as this, think about what you may be doing to that person and how crap they might feel. Make you feel warm inside does it?

Secondly with reference to the child abuse accusations the irony is that these kind of posts are abusive and bullying. Do you speak to your children in such a way justified by 'well you should be tough enough to take it'. Hope not or you are heading for a very dysfunctional relationship with them.

No wonder so many women struggle with mothering when they are faced with this on a so called Mum's website.

Whilst I don't think putting a 14mo to bed without tea was necessarily the best way to stop fussy eating but I don't think this mother is abusive. It sounds like she was having a shit day and at the end of her tether. We have all been there. I'm sure if the LO had woken up hungry, she wouldn't have let her starve ffs.

I am not the bananagate OP and I am not taking it personally. God I started a thread about being fat at size 16 and took it on the chin as it was intended to be a bit of a laugh. But child abuse is no laugh.

Rant over. my name will be forever mud in murky mumsnet waters. But wtf and I must thank the nice mumsnetters who help, advise and support. In these instances this website is invaluable and I wish I had known about it when my DS was first born!

MarlaSinger Tue 09-Sep-08 14:22:58

Mumsnet is full of support advice and laughs.

Threads about other threads are shit.

donnie Tue 09-Sep-08 14:23:58

I do think a size 16 is fat though. So I agree with that.

edam Tue 09-Sep-08 14:24:35

I agree with you that allegations of child abuse are thrown around far too lightly sometimes. It's used as hyperbole when someone feels strongly, which is unfortunate - risks devaluing real abuse IMO.

SmugColditz Tue 09-Sep-08 14:25:05

Wouldn't you have been better off if your father had been posting on Mumsnet and the comments he got on his behavior stopped him in his tracks before it got out of hand?

tamarto Tue 09-Sep-08 14:25:48

What Marla said

But i agree that some people are too quick to call something abuse especially when the OP is asking a question not saying she does it daily.

roseability Tue 09-Sep-08 14:26:24

Yes I am fat that has already been established, i'm more worried about child abuse accusations tbh.

Some people are soooo nasty. I can only think they must be miserable inside. I prefer to say nice things or nothing at all

OrmIrian Tue 09-Sep-08 14:26:52

Agreed with the general point.

MarlaSinger Tue 09-Sep-08 14:27:25


Are you 4 real?

MorningTownRide Tue 09-Sep-08 14:27:30

YANBU - a pretty fair account I think.

Size 16 is not fat.

pagwatch Tue 09-Sep-08 14:29:51

Why didn't you just post this onthe relevent thread.
Especially as I have no idea what you are talking about..

I think it is unreasonable to expect everyone to post as if the other person may possibly be fragile and unable to cope. And you are rather ignoring that sometimes the person who seems to be doing the attacking may in fact be the one who is really struggling.

I tend not to attack just as a matter of form. But I have been upset a couple of times but I always take that as a clue to step away from the computer.

roseability Tue 09-Sep-08 14:30:37

you have a point smugcolditz but my father's abuse was along the lines of making me stand on scales as a 12 year old and calling me a 'fat cow' or telling me the only reason I have friends is because I am a 'fake and phony person'. He used to make me go running and not let me turn back to take a shit (thus forced to hold it on or do it in bushes).

This is not a thread about my abuse but making the point that you can't equate this with trying to get a 14mo to eat soup. Or even worse cases of abuse

SmugColditz Tue 09-Sep-08 14:31:08

Bully for you, Pollyanna.

So who's the poor sod who has to step up and be the mean one? I mean, if a child is getting slapped red raw every day and nobody wants to say anything because it's not nice, when's it going to stop?

And if someone calls the SS, and the SW doesn't say anything because it's not nice, who is going to speak up?

Only saying nice things is about as useful in every day life as sticking your fingers in your ears and passing on by the other side.

I did some bloody awful things when ds1 was small, because nobody stopped me (yes, rice in bottle, weaning at 16 weeks, leaving to cry) and nobody would be the bad guy and tell me it wasn't a good thing to do.

I wish I had known otherwise, and here, you can hear otherwise, from people who don't know you.

Hulababy Tue 09-Sep-08 14:31:50

I agree that accusations of child abuse can be thrown about very lightly on MN, with very little real evidence behind it to suggest that is really the case. The no dinner before bed thread is just one such example.

It is all very cntradictary too. You can have threads where people have screamed nasty stuff to their children or hit them hard - yet, for some this is deemed as being not ok, but mum has had a bad time, so it was a bad decision and we can make it better next time. Yet, the dinner one just led to people jumping at the OP and accuses her instead.

There is no consistency.

bloomingfedup Tue 09-Sep-08 14:32:21

I understand where you are coming from. But I think we have to accept AIBU as the PMT pages where people like to have a bitchfest.Ok, sometimes people go way over the top but they are also quite entertaining! Don't read AIBU if you don't like You are BU.

Hulababy Tue 09-Sep-08 14:33:37

Nothing wrong with telling people that something is a bad idea, or bad decision - bit I think to throw about accusations so lightly does not help. Constructive help and comments work far better.

pagwatch Tue 09-Sep-08 14:33:43

"There is no consistency"
perhaps that is why the child wouldn't eat it?

Ok . I know. Not the time nor the place.

roseability Tue 09-Sep-08 14:34:27

I really don't mind a genuine debate/laugh etc. This really is not about the size 16 thing! I intended that to be a bit tounge and cheek and really have not taken it to heart that some people think size 16 is fat!

I really can't believe how nasty some people's posts are!

FioFio Tue 09-Sep-08 14:34:32

Message withdrawn

tamarto Tue 09-Sep-08 14:34:37

Is calling someone a child abuser really entertaining though blooming?

bloomingfedup Tue 09-Sep-08 14:35:45

Would'nt life be boring if were all 'nice' all the time or did'nt say something because it might not be nice. In RL, I defintley feel more drawn to real people, IYSWIM.

SmugColditz Tue 09-Sep-08 14:36:10

roseability, if someone had pulled your father up and said "That it a fucking horrible thing to do to a 12 year old girl. I know you're frightened of her being overweight, but you need to get a grip because what you are doing is abuse".....

he may very well have stopped.

Obviously he didn't stop .... so saying "Only nice things" didn't work, did it?

And FWIW, my dad was a tosser at times too. But it doesn't make me want to stick my head in the sand and pretend that everything better than that treatment is fine and dandy. My mother did that - she thought the way my dad treated me was fine because her dad used to break her bones.

Adults who were abused as children are often not a good judge of the line between discipline and abuse.

bloomingfedup Tue 09-Sep-08 14:36:39


No defintley not, did'nt mean that.

Hulababy Tue 09-Sep-08 14:36:52

pagwatch - well, it was soup. Have to admit not my fave meal either, doesn't feel like a real meal.

Sorry - back to proper thread....

MarlaSinger Tue 09-Sep-08 14:37:56

LOL @ pagwatch

Rose, sorry you have such issues but you are projecting here, a lot

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