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How far do you think it is reasonable to commute by car to work ,

(16 Posts)
floaty Fri 05-Sep-08 20:27:08

My dh commutes 1.5 hour each way on an already long day,typically he leaves the house before 7am and returns between 9 and 10pm.I think this is untenable in the long run as he is exhausted al the time.It is not so much the time factor he hs done a similar commute by train which was not so bad but I am worried sick about him having an accident and it is much more tiring driving on very busy road .
AIBU

ClairePO Fri 05-Sep-08 20:32:06

That is a very long day and must be very tiring. I do a similar commute but by train and I agree with you it is not as bad as driving.

What is the alternative for him though?

YANBU to be worried at all.

noonki Fri 05-Sep-08 20:33:32

Is his job worth it?

I personally think life is far too short to work/travel that much

DanJARMouse Fri 05-Sep-08 20:34:03

I wouldnt be happy with it tbh

Most I would allow would be 45 mins each way.

SlartyBartFast Fri 05-Sep-08 20:35:01

the time isnt so bad but he must work veyr late to come home at such a time...
i commuted for 3 months and was exhausted, and i got home @7.30 pm

SlartyBartFast Fri 05-Sep-08 20:35:45

and actually i think driving for 90 minutes each way is ridiculous

Ellbell Fri 05-Sep-08 20:39:17

My dh commutes 1 hour 15 mins (roughly) to work every day. However, he normally works a pretty fixed 7.5 hour shift, so his overall days are not as long as your dh's. Also, working shifts, he generally hits the motorway outside of rush hour (generally he leaves before 6 and is back mid-afternoon, or else leaves around lunchtime and gets back sometime in the evening, with occasional night shifts). He's a bit p-ed off atm, but basically he took the job because it was a job that interested and stimulated him. Moving closer to his work wasn't an option because (a) I work too, nearer to where we live, (b) the dds are settled in school, and (c) he's on a 2-year posting, after which he may well end up moving again. So he just gets on with it.

IMO YANBU to worry about him. I do worry about my dh when the weather is bad (he commutes on the M62 which is a notoriously horrible road) or when he goes by motorbike (depending on weather). However, I think that to judge whether YABU or not in general we'd need to know more about how your dh feels about his job. If he loves his job and it's important to him, and if it's something that he couldn't do nearer to home, then it would be unreasonable to expect him to give it up because of the driving.

Does he have other job possibilities nearer to home? If he gave up work would you be in a position to support the family for a while? How feasible is it for you to move closer to his work? Could he use public transport rather than commuting by car? (You don't actually have to answer these questions, but they are the kinds of things you'd need to ask yourself if you really wanted to change this situation. Otherwise, I think you are going to have to grit your teeth, worry, but live with it.)

findtheriver Fri 05-Sep-08 20:42:52

Good post Ellbell. We need to know more about your DH's perspective. My DH has just started a job with a much longer commute than his previous one. But he is happy, challenged, intellectually alive and doing a valuable job. It would be very unreasonable of me to expect him to give it up.

BouncingTurtle Fri 05-Sep-08 20:45:48

YANBU - my Dh used to work in field sales, and then he landed a job at his company's head office, but it meant a 90 minute commute every day. We ended up moving 25 miles closer, which meant his commute was down to about an hour.
He was glad we did so as he was finding it very tiring. And it didn't affect me as it used to take me 30mins to get to work from our old house as it was travelling through town, where as now it's straight up the main arterial route (which we live 2 mins from) so only adds about 10mins to my run work!

spicemonster Fri 05-Sep-08 20:51:02

It's longer than I'd want to commute. But I don't think there's any point in discussing what's reasonable without knowing the bigger picture.

Do you want him to work closer to home? Would he earn as much money if he worked closer to home? Are you at home with your DCs? Would you still be able to stay home?

For most families all those factors come into the equation and 'reasonable' is just one of them.

ChukkyPig Fri 05-Sep-08 20:51:05

I think it depends on the type of commute.

If it is 1.5 hours hammering around motorways then YANBU. Especially if it involves the M25.

If it's not that far geographically and is on easy roads but takes ages because of heavy traffic then that's not so bad IMO.

I have done both BTW and wouldn't advocate the 1.5 hours motorway each way thing. It's dangerous I think.

Is there no train he can get? Even if he'd have to get up a bit earlier at least he could sleep.

bozza Fri 05-Sep-08 21:10:07

Agree with others, he is working a long working day without the commute - something like 8.30-8.30 by my reckoning. I think as much as anything it is the 15 hour working day (inc commutes) that is intolerable. I have a 30-35 min commute including the M1 and for me that is plenty 3 days a week. But still with my 7.5 hr working day, 1 hr lunch (sometimes worked, sometimes shopped...), commute and pick up of DC from CMs (DH does drop off) it only comes to 10 hours.

DH has come home very tired tonight after a late night smoozing clients and then a 6 hour drive (with today's conditions) back from Cardiff and he was home by teatime.

floaty Fri 05-Sep-08 21:13:48

His work often involves travel of some kind or another but he was based, until 6 months ago, about 10 miles away with occaisional commutes by train to london say once a week on average.His firm including him think that setting up in this city 50 miles away is a good opportunnety and it is and I know he enjoys working there and he is the senior person there.however he did the same commute 6 years ago and it was probably the worst time of our married life ,he moved to the local firm and the relief was wonderful so for me it feels like a backward step for family life ,we didn't discuss it he just agreed but I know he won't give it up and in a way I don't want him to if he enjoys it ,we can't afford to move and also have 3 children settled here and I have a good (part time )job and his elderly parents need support and are here too ....so I think he should stay away at least a couple of nights a week ..he is determined to keep drivingand thinks I am being ridiculous.
He rang at 7.40pm to say that he was leaving office..not yet home

bozza Fri 05-Sep-08 21:23:11

Thing is though he might as well stay over couple of nights because with those hours he won't see the children anyway, and not be fit for much with you. Also it would make sense to use some of the commuting time working, and work something more like a reasonable day on the other days.

DH travels a lot, sometimes works from home, and his office is 1hr commute on a good day. So he can only just scrape in there for 9 after dropping the DC off at 8. But it is not every day and he finishes at a reasonable time.

poshtottie Fri 05-Sep-08 21:23:54

I agree with you. It would be better if he stayed put for a couple of nights in the week then maybe come home earlier on a Friday so you have a long weekend together.
My dh works away for four months at a time but has leave of about three months. It doesn't suit everyone but we just get on with it.

ChukkyPig Fri 05-Sep-08 21:31:25

floaty I think you need to sit him down and get him to agree to stay away a couple of nights. If he puts in extra hours (although he is already working v long hours) on those days he could leave early on Fri I would have thought. He is senior person and so that should be do-able. Would work pay for him to stay away?

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