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to be annoyed that my ex was making nursery arrangements without including me?

(4 Posts)
queenrollo Wed 03-Sep-08 19:20:20

my ex and i generally have a very amicable 'relationship'......we have somewhat unconventional shared care of ds in that i have him over the weekend (fri-mon) because ex works away at weekends. It has been going smoothly,and we are flexible about deviations from this (holidays etc).....
before the summer ex was mithering about potty training ds (who is now 3) and i wanted to hold fire because i didn't think he was quite ready. It transpired that he wanted him out of nappies so he could get him into the local nursery.....i had 'words' with him about how underhanded i felt it was. We discussed sending ds to nursery/school and agreed to (after previously being determined to home school)......but i told ex that we both needed to look round the nursery together (it is in the small town where ex lives)....he agreed, we decided to broach the subject this Sept.
Today i have dropped ds back at his dad's and he produced the nursery forms (which had been dropped into ex mil's by the nursery owner) and asked if their was anything i objected to. Then he said his parents were going to take ds to look round next week, he can't do it he is at work. angry i politely pointed out that it was our duty to do this together.....he seemed genuinely shocked that i was upset about it saying he didn't mean to sideline me, he wasn't going behind my back....he just thought it would save me travelling (i live an hour away)......i can't decide now if he is deliberately trying to make decisions hoping i'll find out too late or if he really is just a thoughtless sod. After 14 years together i would have said the latter, and am trying not to colour the way i view him with how he dealt with our break up.

i'm sorry this is so longwinded, but i am a mixture of angry, sad and confused about all of this.
Is it so unreasonable to expect him to talk to me and include me in important decisions about our son?

misi Wed 03-Sep-08 21:01:50

hmm this is similar to what my ex did and we were together at the time!!

even after we split she would keep everything away from me. she even told the nursery manager I was not to have any info and I ended taking the nursery to court (and winning)

whether you have a court order stating shared resisdence/shared care/priomary carer/contact parent or not, it is ethically the right thing to do to decide together.

I have never got a straight answer regarding nursery care, but I do know about schooling which will be your next problem like this in a year or 2.

you have a right to know any and all info the school holds on your son except for personal correspondance. you have a right to be involved and informed on your sons education, you have a right to make decisions on your sons education as you do have parental responsibilty. I also say that applies to nursery, but no-one can say if that is correct or not. there seems to be a difference if it is private or state run too.

but in answer to your question, yes you bloody well do have a right to be annoyed.

but is there any chance this has been done as there are few nurseries in the place he lives and places are short at this time of year anyway, and maybe he was getting the info on the only nursery available? I must say that a nursery only needs one signature on their forms usually. if he can show he is the father via birth cert and maybe if he has the CB book, then he could have done this without you at all. not defending him just offering an alternative perhaps?

noonki Wed 03-Sep-08 21:15:35

Is he saying that you can't go? - I think if he was trying to deliberately sideline you he wouldn't have told you until afterwards

queenrollo Wed 03-Sep-08 21:52:19

he's not saying i can't go, and in fact after we discussed it this afternoon he has agreed to get next wednesday off work and to arrange for us to go and look round the nursery together.
I guess i'm just annoyed that he brought it up into conversation this afternoon in such a 'oh i got the nursery forms' way and then to say that his parents would be looking round the nursery on our behalf. If i ever need to make a decision concerning our son i phone my ex to run it by him, i don't do half the legwork first and then phone him and say 'oh, by the way'......

i do try and deal with everything in a calm, reasoned manner because my son's happiness comes first in all of this. That's why my ex is the 'primary carer' as far as child benefit are concerned because he couldn't get the child element of working tax otherwise (and i don't work so it seemed silly to claim the child benefit just to be his primary carer)

i get on well with him and his parents, and am more than happy for his mother to come with us and give her opinion on the nursery as she is an education/child psychology expert.....i value her professional opinion.

I know i am sensitive about not having ds with me during the week like 'normal' single mum's, and maybe that's part of why i feel like i'm being sidelined when i'm probably not.......and i don't want to cause arguments with my ex over petty stuff......i am determined that my son gets equal time with both of us, but not if it is detrimental to his wellbeing and am aware when he starts school i will see less of him.

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