to start to resent a relative I encouraged to move closer.....(4 Posts)
I feel so so horrible for feeling the way I do, but its starting to get me down.
My Grt Aunt has recently passed away and my aunt who lived with her all her life was left on her own. DH and I encouraged her to move closer to us so we could be company for her, and she wouldn't be on her own.
She is in mid 50's abd is a very private person with few friends outside family. She lived in Greater London before and worked in Cntral London. She has now moved to us in 3 Counties and commutes to work daily.
As I work near the bus terminal, most days I travel to work with her. At weekends we knew we would always make time for her and it was'nt a problem. But in the 9 weeks she has lived nearby she has been at our house by 9.30 every Saturday and spends the whole day till the children go to bed and I take her home.
If we go out on Sundays 2 out of 3 times we'll invite her which she always accepts.
She is wonderful with our 2 children and always treats them and gives them attention, much better than their own grandparents. And she offers to babysit - I try to use my other friends instead as the last time when DS woke at night she had him out of bed playing at 11pm.
This weekend though feels like the final straw. She bought a lot of garden items and furniture which have arrived and DH offered to go and help her with them. So she arrived at 9.30am yesterday and then when DH got in from work at 1pm he and DD1 went over there for the rest of the day. He has been there again today for 3 hours so far and is planning on going out at 3.30 - so I will have seen nothing of him this weekend.
I know I am being unreasonable, but I dont want this to get out of hand to where I start to resent the poor woman.
You need to set some boundaries. You could start by not inviting her if you are going out on Sundays. You could also plan a regular activitiy for Saturdays so that the 9.30 visits aren't possible.
I feel a bit sorry for her in that you have been very forward in getting her to come to you - moving counties and then inviting her places and your DH offering to do furniture for her - but then it starts to be a burden to you. It would be best if you decided how much contact you do want and stop offering the extras.
Re the babysitting, do you think she would be better if you set a few rules here too?
Agree with TheProvincialLady and I also think you'll be glad of her being so close in years to come. It just sounds like everyone has entered into the new set-up with great enthusiasm but this state of affairs is unsustainable. You and your family cannot be everything to this woman and nor should you be but I think some gentle encouragement towards her finding interests/friends of her own is in order and it will take time (I think anyone in her position would be leaning heavily on the only people they knew in a new area).
Bear with her - you've done a good thing
Agree with TheProvincialLady about boundaries. Could you try to encourage her to try something new? An evening class, church choir or dance class? If you could try to sell it to her as doing something just for herself now- assuming that she looked after your Great-Aunt. Even if she doesn't end up socialising outside of the activity, it would balance out the reduction of weekend stuff.
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