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Or should I be visiting this 'pervy' old man.

(20 Posts)
shoot Sun 31-Aug-08 12:45:26

I worked with him for 4 years. From age 18-22. He was 61-65.

He was a nice old man but very bitter about things, and somewhat backward. I was pretty much his only friend apart from a girl who lived across the country. He would do anything for anyone in all fairness to him but did think everyone was out to get him.

He started calling me 'my curvacious beauty' and making sexual references which I found uncomfortable so the boss told him to stop. He'd admitted he had a crush on me and he really had been quite inappropriate, though he would never admit to that.

His contract was terminated (not because of how he was with me, just because there was no work left for him and he was getting old). He was so upset about this and he'd been out of the house 7am- 7pm every day so hadn't had time to realise he was divorced, rarely saw his kids, didn't have many friends and was lonely.

He carried on keeping out of the house when he lost his job- he would just come to work all day but not actually work.

Then a youth on a bike on the pavement knocked him over and he hurt his legs. It's been 5 months and he hasn't recovered and he stays at home all day every day. I txt him to see how he was and that's when he told me. No one goes to see him and he only gets out on a Sunday when he goes to work (where I no longer work) and has a coffee.

DP is uncomfortable with the way this man is with me, and he doesn't want our baby going to see him. He doesn't even really want me going to see him.

And I'd rather not in case he gets the wrong idea.

But he has been a friend in the past and I should really. I feel terrible for him.

I offered to copy him some DVDs and he said 'it's ok, I have CDs I listen to'.

So he must just sit at home and listen to CDs all day.

So am I being horrible?

Lizzylou Sun 31-Aug-08 12:47:17

Could your DP go with you to visit?
I think it's nice that you are concerned about this man, he sounds very lonely sad

shoot Sun 31-Aug-08 12:48:13

The man doesn't get on with men and wouldn't appreciate DP going to see him. He's also quite possessive of me so would be horrible to DP.

moopdaloop Sun 31-Aug-08 13:05:55

I think you should go to see him. If you don't the guilt for not doing so will eat you up inside and you will keep feeling bad about yourself.

By visiting him you will have done a good thing, he sounds very depressed. You will not feel bad about yourself.

lickleolme Sun 31-Aug-08 13:08:31

have you thought of ringing age concern to see if they have any advice.

Mamazon Sun 31-Aug-08 13:09:58

he makes you feel uncomfortable so probably best not to visit him at his house. maybe you could encourage him out of the house a bit more by asking to meet him at some sort of activiy?

ParCark Sun 31-Aug-08 13:10:34

Message withdrawn

undercovercat Sun 31-Aug-08 13:11:42

Some people don't have friends for a reason.
I was friendly with the brother of one of my best friends who sounds not dissimilar to this man.
I couldnt cope with the sexual remarks and time and time told him to stop and recently Ive cut all contact.
I felt guilty to begin with but you cant take on all the problems of the world and although its terribly sad to see raw loneliness, they have to make an effort too. And if that effort is keeping the sexual thoughts to themselves instead of verbalising them well...

TheProvincialLady Sun 31-Aug-08 13:17:11

He hasn't been a friend in the past, he has been a colleague and someone who made you feel so uncomfortable with his pervy remarks that you had to speak to his boss. He would not appreciate you visiting with your DP because he would like to carry on tha fantasy that you are somehow interested with him.

This man is nothing to you, his problems are not yours and I would keep well away.

Ronaldinhio Sun 31-Aug-08 13:25:14

Don't cause yourself potential problems!!

Is possessive of you
Was inappropriately sexual toward you
Doesn't want DP to visit with you
Makes you feel uneasy

Continuing this relationship could be asking for trouble imho. Few decent human beings are all alone. He has family.

Your DP has asked you not to go, why don't you respect his wishes?
How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

deste Sun 31-Aug-08 13:51:51

Instead of going to his house why dont you suggest meeting for lunch one day a week/two weeks. That way your not stuck inside with him. I also think you are a lovely person for being so concerned.

hecate Sun 31-Aug-08 13:54:59

He's 'possessive' of you? hmm My advice would be delete his number from your phone and never contact him again.

I think it would be unwise to go alone to his house.

Blu Sun 31-Aug-08 13:59:55

I would perhaps have agreed with Moopdaloop (but with some uneasiness about the sexual harrassment) until I read "He's also quite possessive of me so would be horrible to DP.
"

You can't be riends with him if he is possssive - that is not at all health. You ae clearly lovely - but it is not your problem if his behaviour makes it innappropriate for YOU to be the person who befriends him.

It's a sad situation, but I really don't think it is one you can help in, and if you can't, you don't need to feel guilty. Really you don't.

Janos Sun 31-Aug-08 14:00:26

I agree with those who say don't go and see him.

And please don't feel guilty about it. You aren't being horrible and you haven't done anything wrong.

Your only 'crime' (for want of a better word) is being kind and thoughtful to someone who frankly doesn't deserve it.

StayFrosty Sun 31-Aug-08 14:06:48

You are a love to be so concerned, but I don't think you should. If he resents your dp, he obviously has some unhealthy attachment to you. You are not doing him any favours perpetuating this because obviously it is never going to happen, and if he can't move on from you he stands no chance of meeting someone who would reciprocate his feelings.

Your statement about 'he would do anything for anyone' is probably inaccurate - it sounds more like 'he would do anything for a pretty woman who he fancies' to me. I don't think you should go round there tbh.

Janos Sun 31-Aug-08 14:28:30

It does sound shoot like he is taking advantage of your lovely nature and pushing some buttons to get his own way.

I would suggest cutting off contact.

If he was really just a nice older man who was feeling a bit lonely and wanted your company then he wouldn't be making pervy remarks and making you feel uncomfortable. And he wouldn't be naty about your DH either.

Frankly he sounds not a little creepy and maybe even predatory.

Granny22 Sun 31-Aug-08 14:47:39

No, No, No. Sounds like there are good reasons why he is alone. He is not your responsibility - you must put what is best for your family and yourself first. I put up with this type of behaviour from a 'harmless' old neighbour for years until he made a suggestive remark to my very young i.e. 6 & 9 daughters and we cut off all contact. They were a bit peeved at the time as they did not understand what he had done wrong and found him quite funny but it had to be done. He immediately threw himself onto a recently widowed, other neighbour who had to sever all contact within the month, because of inappropriate language, touching, etc. GET SHOT NOW.

chapstickchick Sun 31-Aug-08 15:03:24

*stay away*

then no-one can get the wrong idea- dont put yourself in a vulnerable position.

pamelat Sun 31-Aug-08 17:42:31

Definately do not go alone. Could a friend meet you both in public. Or he if wants the company that much he will have to meet with your DP.

shoot Sun 31-Aug-08 22:47:30

So the basic jist is keep well away? I'm sort of glad because I don't really want to go and see him because he's very demanding, but felt sort of obliged IYSWIM.

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