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AIBU?

to be upset that my best friend said she didn't like my other friends

31 replies

susia · 30/08/2008 22:51

My best friend and I have been friends since we were 15, over 20 years. We both have alot of other friends. Mine are quite varied but people I am friends with for various reasons, all lovely in different ways.

When I had my DS (5) christened a few months ago my best friend was one of the godmothers. All the children took off their shoes and somehow my BF's son ended up with an identical but more worn pair. I phoned around my friends afterwards to see who had picked up the wrong pair and gave my BF the number of another friend whose son had the same pair. Anyway, they both obviously thought they were right and although I'm sure she was really polite about it at the time my BF told me how annoyed she was about it.

Last week, after a few drinks my BF was telling me how she was still really annoyed and called my other friend a 'thief'. I said that there had just been a misunderstanding but she said 'I hate her!'. She also said other friends of mine who were there were really posh etc (which they aren't, including my aunt (who is!) and said she didn't like another friend of mine.

I have known this about her before, she has in the past made it clear she hasn't liked and ex-boyfriend and various other friends of mine but I have never said anything. But this night, I defended my friend over the shoes and my other friends who she called posh and said it was untrue and unfair.

I would never dream of speaking about her friends like that.

Anyway, she hasn't been in touch since and I don't know what to do. She is my oldest and closest friend, I don't want to lose her but I think it really disrespectful to be so rude about people I am close to.

OP posts:

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susia · 30/08/2008 22:52

I'm not sure what to do now!

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 30/08/2008 23:00

Right, so she is your oldest and closest friend. Is she a childhood friend?

Kelix · 30/08/2008 23:01

Not everyone gets on, I have friends who dont. But for my sake they usually keep thier feelings to themselves.

Not sure what your next move would be? Maybe give her a ring and explain how you feel. Am sure your friendship has got through worse if you have been friends for so long

susia · 30/08/2008 23:01

well since we were 15.

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chipmonkey · 30/08/2008 23:07

Is it the case that you are friends with this girl because she lived near you and went to school with you but that maybe your newer friends are more the type of people you want to be friends with and share interests with?

vixma · 30/08/2008 23:10

the thing is with best friend are that they tell you how they honestly feel....which can be to close for comfort. As you have said,you have dealt with this b4 when she spoke about your boyfriend. Listen to her opinion, but dont give anymore thought to it...you sound like you are happy and doing well....that is what is important. Its an opinion.....not a fact....good luck!

thumbwitch · 30/08/2008 23:11

if you don't want to lose her as a friend, then keep her but don't talk to her about your other friends and don't invite her to things where she is likely to have to socialise with them.

If she asks why, explain that you don't want to put her in the position of having to be polite to people she doesn't like, and so you thought it best to keep them apart from her.

TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor · 30/08/2008 23:11

That is rude and immature. She may have felt uncomfortable with your friends, but she didn't need to tell you that she hated them.

You chose her over some of your otehr friends to be your child's Godmother.

Don't apologise for your new friends though. Say something like, I know them a lot better than you do and I know they are great people. {Slight pause}. They didn't say anything bad about you!!

susia · 30/08/2008 23:13

no chipmonkey I am closer to her than my other friends but they are also important to me. I can see lots of my friends have nothing in common with each other so I obviously get on with different sorts of people.

I can understand her not getting on with or having much in common with some of my other friends but to call her a thief and say that she hates her!

There are many of her friends that I wouldn't choose to be friends with but I am happy to see them with her and wouldn't say anything about them.

OP posts:

susia · 30/08/2008 23:15

It's my birthday coming up and I can't really invite her with my other friends! Also, I would have expected her to appologise, instead I've texted her and she hasn't answered.

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TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor · 30/08/2008 23:18

I wouldn't invite her. It'll make the whole evening awkward.

I had something a bit similar once, when a girl I'd known since primary school accused me of 'idealising' my new friends! bollox. I just really liked them because our senses of humour were more in tune.

We're not friends any more though. So that's not a great ending!

susia · 30/08/2008 23:21

just not sure how I approach it with her though. (not my birthday but the whole issue, the fact that she ignored my text means that I have to ring her and obviously the subject will come up).

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morocco · 30/08/2008 23:26

sounds like she'd had a bit to drink and is still pissed off about the shoes. i'd be pissed off (well, not that much but it would niggle, kind of thing a few beers might get me ranting about even though really I'm not that bothered). why wouldn't your other friend give them back?

TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor · 30/08/2008 23:27

Tell her it's not a question of choosing your new friends over her, but that they ARE your friends, and everybody is drawn to slightly different people. Tell her you like having old friends and new friends, paints the complete picture, rounds things off!! You have to choose your own friends. She chooses her friends no doubt.

Just keep re-iterating that you think very well of your friends and it makes you feel extremely uncomfortable to think that she hates them so much she can't bear their company, even for your sake, for your child's christening.

That isn#t unreasonable. It's been at least a decade, more, since one of my friends even hinted they didn't like another of my friends. That's quite immature behaviour imo.

susia · 30/08/2008 23:35

I think you are right morocco that she's still pissed off about the shoes. You asked why the other friend wouldn't give them back - I think it is because both her and my other friend's son had the same pair. Other friend thought she'd picked up the right ones. When BF phoned her I don't think she was emphatic enough that she had the wrong ones, and my other friend obviously thought it didn't matter.

My other friend said to me, that she didn't mind which pair she had, her son had more or less outgrown them. She said to BF that she thought she'd picked up the older pair.

My BF probably couldn't explain it properly - that she was sure she had the wrong pair so let it go on the phone.

I am sure my other friend didn't do it deliberately! she can easily afford a new pair so wouldn't have been an issue for her whereas my BF has less money so obviously mattered more.

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 31/08/2008 00:11

She is fussy about blardy shoes though, isn't she? She really needs to chill.

susia · 31/08/2008 00:22

chipmonkey - she hasn't got much money - that's why she was upset about the shoes.

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plantsitter · 31/08/2008 00:24

Not sure what she expects you to do - say 'ok I'll never see any of them again'? TBH I would let her know about your birthday plans and who will be there, and leave her to make the next move. She probably doesn't want to lose you as a friend either!

chipmonkey · 31/08/2008 01:00

Sorry, I feel crap now for saying that. But I suppose what I meant was, does she really think the other mother meant to take the better shoes? A friend of mine came to our house a while back. We both had the same jacket, she took mine which was in better condition than hers but I know it wasn't intentional!
I think your "old friend" didn't like your "new friend" from the start and is using that incident to affirm to herself and to you that she is in the right to dislike her.

solo · 31/08/2008 01:10

A good reason to write your childs name in their shoes!

chipmonkey · 31/08/2008 01:16

solo is an organised bod. I am not. I need FlyLAdy to make me get up in the morning.

nappyaddict · 31/08/2008 02:58

say to her you will not choose between her and them and when it comes to things like birthdays you will invite everyone and either expect her to attend and be polite and civil or not attend if she can't keep her feelings to herself. i wouldn't just not invite her cos then she will feel like you are choosing them over her.

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FlightAttendent · 31/08/2008 07:41

It's difficult...however I think it's possible to have different friends who don't necessarily get on with each other.

Do you like her enough to want to stay friends after her little outburst?

I think you have to be clear that you will keep your other friends and defend them, so if she doesn't like that she'll just have to put up with it, it sounds like the ishoos are all hers. Maybe talk to her about why she feels so paranoid.

I have a few friends, who have other friends, and I don't like all of their other friends too much though they find a connection and I don't have to be involved when they meet up so it isn't a problem.

There was one occasion where I met a lot of them at once, and someone whom I'd never met wrongly thought I had stolen something, which I was really upset about and obviously it put the host in an awkward position, but I just haven't seen the other person for a long time so that is Ok.

I wouldn't expect any of my friends to choose between me and anyone else really.

FlightAttendent · 31/08/2008 07:41

I'd invite her to things but explain that my other friends would be there. Then she can choose to come or to meet me one on one at a different time which might be easier for her.

regularlyoverwhelmed · 31/08/2008 07:51

whatever else you do I would intervene in the matter of the shoes and get her the right ones back...you know your other friend (the one who inadvertantly took them) better and so can broach the subject without any of the awkwardness that your older friend may have felt...that might help

as for the rest, be kind and give her abother chance, but tell her you'd prefer she doesn't badmouth your other pals. I wouldn't exclude her from your bday celebration - but rather explain to her what you are planning and ask if she fancies coming. Be quite explicit that the other pals will be there and ask her to decide. Make it plain you don't want to listen to badmouthing afterwards though.

I do feel a bit sorry for her, if money is an issue and she feels she ended up with more worn shoes...I'd probablt feel cross too

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