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AIBU?

to be cross that my Dp's Father opens his mail !

33 replies

babylove21 · 30/08/2008 10:54

My Dp is self employed, his father is the superior being when it comes to handling finances or so he thinks. He handles his invoicing for work and tax returns, he also sends slips of paper to request changes to tax credits etc. He insists my dp's bank details remain at his address ( which is only 200 yards from us).
He thinks he has a right to open his mail as he is ' family'.
It infuriates me yet doesnt appear to bother my DP. Am i being unreasonable???
I feel my privacy is being invaded too as i am finacially dependant on my DP, and quite honestly i think its humiliating.

OP posts:

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MatNanPlus · 30/08/2008 10:56

It is illegal to open mail not addressed to yourself!!!

Sobernow · 30/08/2008 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkmook · 30/08/2008 11:00

urgh tricky situation. I fully understand you not liking this, I would hate it. But really it doesn't sound like much is going to change as FIL is doing his paperwork.

If DH doesn't mind him doing this and its his bank account is there really much you can do bar telling DH how it makes you feel? What does your DH say when you have told him you feel humiliated?

edam · 30/08/2008 11:02

I would hate this too, but it's really up to dh, I'm afraid. Although you could make his life VERY difficult until he comes round to your way of thinking...

AMumInScotland · 30/08/2008 11:04

If your DP isn't worried, then I don't think there's much you can do about it - it would be illegal for him to open the mail without permission, but it sounds like he has permission, if DP doesn't say anything!

But if your DP has moved out, he really ought to change things to go to his true address - have you been living together long? Personally, if I was living together, I'd want it to be his "official" home, not just "stopping over at your place" which is the impression this gives.

So, I think YANBU about he situation in general!

differentID · 30/08/2008 11:04

Your fil is breaking the law. Plus it means that your dh has left himself completely open to identity theft and fraud if your fil was that way inclined. All mail for your dp should be sent to your house and if it is relevant to the accounting then your dp should then give those details- and those details only- to his dad.

WigWamBam · 30/08/2008 11:05

Initial thought is that your dp needs to grow some. What will happen if/when you decide to have a joint bank account - is he still going to let his father handle the account?

I'd agree with others that, ultimately, it is your dp's choice to allow this to happen or not. It's a strange choice to make, though, when he has a home and partner of his own.

AbbeyA · 30/08/2008 11:06

It is up to your dp to sort it out with him. I wouldn't dream of opening other people's post. I didn't even open DSs when they were little.The only time my parents opened a letter of mine was when I was away and asked them to look out for a specific letter.
If your dp is happy with the situation there is not much you can do.

babylove21 · 30/08/2008 11:09

thanks for your responses. with a 4 month old baby i was wondering if i was just being a bit neurotic.
I'm all for being careful with money etc, but he doesnt just give advice if you don't take action on it he seems to go over your head and do it himself.

I did air my views to his father with not much dignity i'm afraid, i just sort of snapped. I had popped over specifically to collect a building society book as dp wanted to deposit some money. I was asked if dp had asked for the book ! talk about insulting, and then i was told he needed to speak with dp so he would give the book to him later when he saw him. ( bearing in mind dp had not said he was visiting). That was the point i snapped and told him i was sick of his meddling.

Of course he claims he only has his best interests at heart.
Unfortunately it seems his father is a control freak,and sadly as my dp was raised 'his way' he thinks its perfectly normal for someone else to open your new debit card or bank statement.

Part of me feels i am being petty, as you all say its not my account etc, but as we share a home and a child together i feel it is insulting to me.

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pinkmook · 30/08/2008 11:12

babylove21 what has your dh said when you told him you feel humiliated?

babylove21 · 30/08/2008 11:15

He ignores what i have said and just tells me to stop going on about it all the time.
I don't think he can understand why it bothers me so hes Not very supportive.
I'm angry about it and i feel i could almost pack his stuff and say here live with him!

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Pheebe · 30/08/2008 11:17

Why don't you offer to take over the paperwork?

IMO its totally inappropriate and intrusive that your dps father has this much involvement and control.

pinkmook · 30/08/2008 11:19

urgh babylove21 really feel for you Humiliated is such a string word thats why I was interested in hs reaction to it...but if he ignores that its clear you are going to have to try and find a way to make him hear you. What do you think would really make him sit up and listen?

pinkmook · 30/08/2008 11:19

strong word not string obvs

babylove21 · 30/08/2008 11:31

Hiya pink, yes i've thought hard about this and i'm not sure.
I suppose putting the issue with his father aside we have a good relationship together and i love him dearly and i don't want to split our family up over something perhaps trivial, i say that lightly as to me its a big issue but seems not to be with him.

so i wouldnt want to go making demands that would put our whole relationship on the line, especially as we have a baby.

We have been living together for 18 months.
His car is reg at our home address along with our tax credits claim, but his banking details are not.

I wondered if i could get round it by suggesting we open a joint account, as at least it would not be going to his fathers address. however i fear that would only confirm to his father that i am after his money.

It seems his family had a raw deal when his parents split and he is ( father that is) obsessed with ensuring i dont run off with all his money. Again insulting.

I feel so frustrated and its making me angry all the time.

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mrsleroyjethrogibbs · 30/08/2008 11:34

urgh i can understand your frustration, its not an easy one. tbh though your dh needs to back you up over his father as you and your LO should be his primary concern

TwoWindyDays · 30/08/2008 11:49

Does he open things in both your names?

I expect that as more post is sent to your home he wont be able to do it, but in the mean time I wouldnt say a word, but would subscribe to a few naught things for FIL to find, maybe he will get the hint about privacy then. Ummm, info on any cringe worthy illness or Gay Times or something

babylove21 · 30/08/2008 11:54

Lol TwowindyDays, if nothing else you have made me smile.
No he doesnt have the opportunity to open anything of mine as i would not use his address.
however our working tax/child tax credit claim is in both names and although registered to this address because dp is self employed his father is always telling me/us when we need to make changes. Of course we are capable of working that out ourselves, but it bothers me that he can make those adjustments over the phone by giving his sons details, he only needs my date of birth. Again for me it boils down to the principle.
My dp claims he made the call, but i know if if were left to him as he is at work all day he would of asked me, so i think his father did it and he knows i would be angry.

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solidgoldbrass · 30/08/2008 12:03

I think you need to consult a solicitor or at least CAB about this and then, armed with all the relevant information, go home and scare the crap out of both your DP and your FIL. All the risks of identity fraud, criminal prosecution for money laundering, etc etc. When dealing with sexist dickheads like the family you have unfortunately married into, you need cold hard facts because they will dismiss anything else as 'woman whining, she will shut up sooner or later and if it really gets on my nerves I can either go to the pub, have sex with her or threaten to leave.'.

HonoriaGlossop · 30/08/2008 12:06

I think this is totally untenable on a long term basis. I'd say a big talk with DP is needed about you now being a FAMILY; You, your child and DP are the family. Once you've chosen that situation, your mum or dad are seperate to that. If you were married you would be each other's next of kin.

I feel very strongly your DP needs to break away; he's chosen to form his own little family but has not undertaken the changes that really MAKE a family, financial commitment being one of them.

It's time you two sorted out your finances between you; tell him most other grown ups manage it!

You're not wrong - this would be a HUGE issue for me too.

babylove21 · 30/08/2008 13:13

Ok to update...

He's working today and i know its not the best time to bring things up when someones at work, but if he detours past the pub on his way home then its an even worse time to mention it after that, if you know what i mean.

I've just spoken to him and tried a different tactic, as you have pointed out Honoriaglossop ( thank you), he has a new family now.

So i asked him if he thought he could make his new family official,of course he said what you mean. So i explained that as much as his father does for 'his' Family he now has me and our baby his new family who he lives with by his choice, so perhaps he ought to have all his affairs at HIS family address.
Not a lot was said futher as he was only on a lunch break, but i didnt get trodden on or told to stop whining, he seemed more receptive. time will tell.

Thanks everyone, i no longer feel like i am banging my head on a rock.

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welshdeb · 30/08/2008 14:16

So your fil impersonates your dp on the phone to the WTC people. (and presumably anyone else if he so chose seeing as he has all the required information)

I am sure this must be illegal. If anyone else did that it would be fraud/ identity theft.

OK at the moment its in your best interests (or so it appears as he is helping by sorting out your wtc ) but what if he gets it wrong or you have a falling out and he decides to do something malicious deliberately.

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CuckooSplodgeandTubs · 30/08/2008 14:18

Yeah I totally see your point, even if your dp doesn't mind, it gives your FIL information about you. Where you've shopped and how much you spent. Definitely humiliating.

he sounds very old-fashioned that he thinks that something which is so universally understood to be out of order is ok!

CuckooSplodgeandTubs · 30/08/2008 14:19

Good point sobernow, I don't even open my 6 yr old and 3 yr old children's mail either!

babylove21 · 30/08/2008 16:49

Well i am glad you all agree with me. Yes i think the family tradition of controlling everything has been passed from one generation to the next, i mean if its what your grandad did too then it must be normal, right ? !! grrrrrrrrrr.
Behaviour breeds behaviour doesnt it.

One thing is for certain my baby will not grow up with his values if i have anything to do with it.
I would never dream of opening anyone elses mail, no matter who they are to me.

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