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well am i?

(16 Posts)
PavlovtheCat Fri 29-Aug-08 11:42:50

My MIL and new toy boy boyfriend are staying, over from USA.

Bit of background. MIL is 75, boyfriend is 56. A bit of an age gap. Now MIL is quite young at heart for her age, or likes to think so. She is also almost profoundly deaf - she can hear something like 3 pitches and thats it, which makes communication with her quite hard. And she has become quite reliant on her boyfriend for communication.

DH has already taken a dislike to him, before he got here to be honest. He has only met him once, two years ago when they first got together. He thinks this bloke is taking his mother for a ride, and does not treat her well, he comes and goes as he pleases and disappears for weeks at a time, claiming work (to be fair his work does take him away a lot). DH does not approve of the relationship and I think it is inevitable he will look for things to fault.

I on the other hand, whilst I understand what DH feels, have constantly said, lets see what he is like, he is probably really nice, your mum seems happy, blah blah blah. I have really tried to think positively about this.

Both of us understand that this relationship is happening whether we like it or not, and his mother is old enough to make her own decisions, have some fun etc etc etc.

Anyway, the point of this:

They went to bed last night at 9pm as they were both tired (they have been in UK for 2 week and claim no jetlag hmm). They are sleeping in our front room on a sofa bed. We knew they would go to bed early as MIL has always done, her loss of hearing makes her very tired. Fair enough, we have tv in our room, and a laptop etc.

This morning MIL got up and went to loo, did not acknowledge us, but did not have her hearing aids in so was not an issue. I took DH to work at 8:40am, had day off work myself, got back at 9:15am after going to shops. MIL was up, in dressing gown, they had both been up and had toast and tea, and her boyfriend had gone back to bed. She said she would go and see what he was up to, and the door was closed. MIL resurfaced about 45 mins ago, showered, dressed, back into living room, door shut. I have minor conversation with her about breakfast, DD being cute prior to this.

Her and boyfriend then get up, and leave the house, walk down the stairs very quietly with her asking him if he has taken the pills yet.

not one word to me, no good morning, no, we are popping out, nothing. Not a fucking word.

I look out of the window to see him pulling off in the car, and he looks up I shake my head at him, disapprovingly, and a minute late MIL comes in and says, we are popping out and will be back at 1pm.

We have arranged to meet DH from work at 1pm, and we had arranged to have lunch at home before we meet him! So I ask what they are doing about lunch, they will eat out, thanks all the same.

I sort of expect this from MIL, she has tbeen deaf for a long time and sort of lives in a little bubble. But for her boyfriend to say nothing at all, well for even her to not say bye to say goodbye. I found it all rather fucking rude. I have not really liked him, have found him a tad rude on occasion but put it down to being shy, since he has been here, have just got on with him. Now I fear I am starting to dislike him.

AIBU? I expect so. But I am not a fucking hotel.

So, AIBU to be annoyed?

Carmenere Fri 29-Aug-08 11:47:49

YANBU You could simply say to him that as your mil is deaf you expect a certain amount of rudeness but he has no excuse, you are not running a hotel and need to know their movements so you can organise your days.

As I get older I find I can't let really bad manners go......

bubblagirl Fri 29-Aug-08 11:50:40

i'm not sure i guess it is rude but have also felt uncomfortable staying places and have just smiled and not spoke before

maybe as you already dislike him your looking for things also he may have been tired not feeling well what were the pills for mil may have been rushing him on

see how it all goes at lunch and attempt to find something you like instaed of pinning that you donlt like him try and clear the air a bit as regardless of what you think they are together and she appears happy

dont just go shaking your head and making him feel uncomforatble as it is possible he already does as i stayed at c dp mums and she didnt like me i knew this and couldnt speak to her as was nervous around her new she didnt like me so didnt feel comfortable

it could be same he may know you dont like him feels very uncomfortable to talk and leaving mil to do talking i was in that predicament once its not nice

try to get on and allow him to feel comfortable in your home you will see a different side

mazzystar Fri 29-Aug-08 11:51:19


PavlovtheCat Fri 29-Aug-08 11:52:13

Carmenere - I agree completely that I should say something. However we see MIL so rarely, I dont want to get on bad terms with her.

He appears to have her where he wants her in terms of what they will do. They came when they did as it coincided with work for him, and she follows him around.

I also took wednesday off work as DH had to work, so they spent their first day doing something....they announced they were going out, and did not come back until late afternoon by which time it was too late to do anything, and I only work half day so could have gone in afterall!!!

<Bites tongue, hard>

cupsoftea Fri 29-Aug-08 11:53:24

yanbu - could they stay in a hotel?

bubblagirl Fri 29-Aug-08 11:55:39

you could just say you feel there not comfortable and is everything ok on a sense that your concerned

and add you would like for all of you to get on and talk more as you feel they appear uncomfortable to talk word it in a way your not sounding judging but worried it may clear the air and improve situation

its not nice to be ignored when your being hospitable

PavlovtheCat Fri 29-Aug-08 11:58:03

He has spoken to us perfectly fine since he arrived on tuesday, and whilst he does not talk non-stop, he has not been backward in coming forward with his conversation. He is not too shy to talk generally, so I cannot see how saying we are just popping out will be so difficult.He will put the kettle on if he wants a drink, take a shower, get a clean towel, so why just walk past me, down the stairs, get in a car and drive away?

If he came across as shy in other respects, I would agree, that could be it, but he is coming across as aloof, bit arrogant, and a bit superior.

I have said, I am aware there is some expectation to dislike him on DHs part already, and I have made myself very aware of that and worked hard to make him feel welcome, made food he likes, ensured he knows how to work the tv and computer, we are getting chinese take away this evening as he loves it.

PavlovtheCat Fri 29-Aug-08 12:01:15

Bubblagirl - very difficult to have that kind of conversation as MIL is deaf!!!

We did suggest they stayed in a hotel, for at least some part of it, and it would make more sense for them to do that, they want to do their own thing, and spend some time with us.

Its just bloody awkward with a 2year old and the front room out of bounds, we live in a bloody flat, its not exactly a large place for DD to run around in.

mishymoo Fri 29-Aug-08 12:02:02

Just a thought and no excuse for his rude behaviour while staying in your house but could it be that he has perhaps picked up on your DH's feelings about him and is feeling a bit uncomfortable?

PavlovtheCat Fri 29-Aug-08 12:07:04

mishymoo - no I dont think so. Because will DH has thrown his toys out the pram about her boyfriend coming at all, he has been nice as pie to him, they have shared whiskey, and they have looked at internet stuff together, DH is a very friendly person, and I have not picked up on any awkwardness from him.

I told DH when he has been sounding off, saying he wont be nice, that he would be nothing but nice because he cannot be otherwise! So I dont think so.

I sort of expected an element of shyness/awkwardness as boyfriend is spending time with his girlfriend's son for the first time properly, and it is our territory so to speak. And as I have said, we have been very aware of that, and done what we can to accommodate them.

I dont even have a problem with them going out, I have a problem with them staying in bed in our front room until 11am and then going out with saying a word me.

bubblagirl Fri 29-Aug-08 12:09:34

yes i guess it is

could you have a word with him and say you want him to feel welcome in your home an dfeel he may not be and resolve it that way

PavlovtheCat Fri 29-Aug-08 12:17:17

Can I just not ask him to not be so fucking rude in future? grin joking, would never say that!

I will probably not say anything, just vent on MN, and smile nicely while we make him skimmy over a fence to go blackberry picking this afternoon in a field full of cows! grin

bubblagirl Fri 29-Aug-08 12:18:07

lol good luck

mishymoo Fri 29-Aug-08 12:21:17

It is a difficult situation to be in and I do feel for you! How long are they staying with you?

Great idea about skimmy-ing over a fence to go blackberry picking grin

PavlovtheCat Fri 29-Aug-08 19:20:51

mishymoo - until monday.

We spent some time with him without MIL this afternoon actually. She was going 'fossil hunting' -our name for seeking out old dears who she knew once apon a time, mainly to show off her new man..she has done this loads in the last few days, dragged boyfriend around to see people.

So, DH saved him. He said, why don't you come and have cream tea with us, and let mother go and talk about ailments with her oldie friends. He was very pleased, said to MIL, 'you go alone, not going to show off your boy toy this time!!!'

We all had tea, shared the odd joke, and it was ok, and he relaxed a bit.

No skimmying over fences due to the fossil hunting taking too long, however DH did ask whether DD should call him '"grandpa J*" !!! He said he would prefer Uncle J** and DH said, why is that, you are old enough to be grandpa and you are almost married to grandma!!!! We might just take him under our wing and welcome him with open arms, that'll freak him out!!!!! grin

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