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should my son apologise?

(30 Posts)
mou Thu 28-Aug-08 11:37:17

a child at my DS's school, and from the same village has been verbally bullying my 10 yr DS for about 18 mnths. very sneaky and underhand but nice as pie to adults. DS says he has done it in front of this boys mother and she does nothing. i get on ok with mother, and our daughters are friends as well but she thinks its ok and my DS should just ignore it.

Yesterday my DS lashed out phsically. other child is milking situation and now my DS looks really bad, but he's not a bad kid, never seems to start trouble but gets wound up and then 'overreacts'

the other mother wants my DS to apologise and I in no way condone him
lashing out physically, but in his words
he's ''had enough and he's not putting up with it anymore''.

ilovemydog Thu 28-Aug-08 11:40:08

Yes, he should apologize, but should tell him to let you know next time your friend's child verbally abuses him, so you can insist on the same smile

memoo Thu 28-Aug-08 11:40:13

he should say sorry, and then this would be a really good time to sit down with the other mother and talk about what has been happening to lead to your son to lashing out.

McDreamy Thu 28-Aug-08 11:41:10

Yes your son should apologise for lashing out BUT something more needs to be done about the bigger situation. Can you chat with the other mum and explain that although his reaction was wrong there is a bigger problem involving her son?

gingerninja Thu 28-Aug-08 11:42:38

I would agree. Not a great situation but 'two wrongs don't make a right' and all that

Lazarou Thu 28-Aug-08 11:43:34

I don't think your son should apologise. Nobody is doing anything about the situation, so it sounds like the other boy got what he deserved. Let's hope he hit him hard enough for the other boy to stop taunting him.

singyswife Thu 28-Aug-08 11:43:58

I would make my dc apologise in front of the other mother and follow the apology by saying ' I am sorry that I hit you but you make me feel bad by doing these things to me and I am not putting up with it anymore, do it again and I will hit you again'. That way he has apologised and the mother is aware of how bad things are. Hope it all works out.

Uriel Thu 28-Aug-08 11:45:27

I don't think your son should apologise, unless it's in the wider context of the other boy apologising to him for 18 MONTHS OF BULLYING.

Gobbledigook Thu 28-Aug-08 11:47:14

Hmmm, if I was going to encourage my ds to apologise I'd expect one from the other party too.

Actually if my ds had been bullied and made miserable by one child for 18 months and the other parent had done nothing, I'd be kind of glad he'd given the lad a bit of a whack.

Sorry, but I was bullied at school and in the end it was only a slap across the girl's face that stopped it - I tried everything else. Sometimes it is the only answer, sad though that is. I'd rather my child did that then I find him hanging in his bedroom.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana Thu 28-Aug-08 11:48:34

My two penneth: Sorry but a person can only take so much before they snap, to be honest it's only my opinion but I believe that it's more damaging for a persons self esteem to be made to apologise for hitting out once, when this other child has never been made to apologise for the months of provokation which preceded it. It could be seen as unfair and almost a betrayal.

I'm speaking as someone who dreaded all forms of confrontation after being bullied on many levels for years and years. I finaly snapped one day and belted a girl who was attempting to intimidate me. I felt self worth flooding back into me, finally knowing I wasn't a cowardly person who couldn't stand up for myself. It's the first and last time anything like that happened, I'm not a violent person at all, but I do have more respect for myself now and I felt it was a valuable experience, perhaps on a primitive level.

Not everything has to be PC and perfect. If you ask me, the nasty little sod got what he deserved. Of course how you'll deal with his mother is another story!

HonoriaGlossop Thu 28-Aug-08 11:49:09

I wouldn't get him to apologise, personally. I would use this as a chance to deal with the bullying. 18 months is a long time for your son to be putting up with that and he needs adults around him to protect him from it. I tihnk you need to sit down with the mum and explain to her what her ds does, and tell her you want it to stop otherwise the boys will have to keep seperated from now on.

The bullying is the main issue and I think it is just playing into the boy's hands if everyone, even the adults, follow the path he's leading them down, of focussing on this issue of your ds hitting.

Gobbledigook Thu 28-Aug-08 11:50:08

James - ditto, exactly what happened to me.

mou Thu 28-Aug-08 11:51:04

god i'm such a wimp, feeling sick just thinking about talking to other mum, if she doesn't take it well i've got to see her every day when the kids go back to school. know he should do the right thing really but feel like Lazarou, me and H were secretly pleased he'd done it. and i've never felt like that before. like what singsywife said as well , might wimp out and get H to do it then move!!

AbbeyA Thu 28-Aug-08 11:51:36

I wouldn't get him to apologise. I am another one for saying to the mother that it isn't as simple as she thinks and get her and both DSs to sit down with you and discuss it.

HonoriaGlossop Thu 28-Aug-08 11:51:38

tbh now your son has hit out, the problem may be much less anyway; once you stand up to a bully they back down generally.

HonoriaGlossop Thu 28-Aug-08 11:52:29

I just think your DS has been brave, now it's his mum or dad's turn smile He needs to SEE you back him up.

slim22 Thu 28-Aug-08 11:54:36

yes he should apologise BUT also reiterate in no uncertain terms, in front of the other mum that her son should learn to speak grievances clearly if there are any instead of being a coward and sneaking remarks when no adult is watching.

If he can not articulate it, do it for him.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana Thu 28-Aug-08 11:54:58

Agreed, HG.

Lazarou Thu 28-Aug-08 11:55:02

YOu don't need to discuss it at all! If the other mother keeps going on about it, tell her that your son was just defending himself and leave it at that. Don't apologise for him, he has stood up for himself and you should be quite proud. LEt him know that you're proud of him. The other stupid mother can do what she wants. YOu have done nothing wrong, and neither has your son.

mou Thu 28-Aug-08 11:55:58

actually i was bullied and thats why i'm such a wimp and not totally sorry he lashed out. i suppose i'm a little bit ashamed it's gone on this long without stopping it before. but my confidence is all over the place.

i felt i'd tried all the reasonable things,even tried to encourage them to be friends but that was a mistake. you guys are so supportive, it brings a tear to my eye.

AbbeyA Thu 28-Aug-08 12:01:02

I think that you should discuss it with the other mother so that she knows what her DS is like, he obviously hides it well.
If you can't face it then I should do it through the school.

2shoes Thu 28-Aug-08 12:03:06

He should not a pologise imo.
he was pushed to the limit ffs

AbbeyA Thu 28-Aug-08 12:09:26

He could try -'I am sorry that I lashed out and I promise not to do it again if you stop tormenting me'. The only way with bullies is to stand up to them.

mou Thu 28-Aug-08 12:23:43

HG you give good advice as well (all do , not mean to just single out certain people). i know i need to stand up for him and to a certain extent myself. i have told him he's right to stand up for himself.

got to go for now but might post a thread to say how it went. thanks to all!!

hollyandnoah Thu 28-Aug-08 12:24:16

I don't think it's your ds that should be saying sorry really.
If you were being picked on for over a year how would you feel if you had just plucked up the courage to stand up for yourself and someone made you apologise for it?
Like other people have said, the boy might back down now, but keep an eye out.

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