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To want to scare the crap out of DH for being an unreasonable git (sorry long)

(28 Posts)
rmm Wed 27-Aug-08 08:25:02

I want to scream in frustration and really need some objective advice!!
Please don’t be too mean because I’m 23 weeks pregnant and very hormonal!!!
Dh is a great person most times, he’s a great dad and when he is around is amazing with dd and helping out, but that’s my problem. It feels like he’s hardly ever around for me!

I was on bed rest and in and out of hospital for the 1st 3 months of my pregnancy, and my biggest issue was the lack of time and understanding he had/has.
He has to travel between 7-10 days every month and when he is home he spends time with dd. But as soon as she is asleep he’s back working!! I know he has to work, but I have hardly had a conversation with him in the last 5 months.
My best mode of communication with him is via txt!!!
We are in the process of building our house and I’m handling most of this but anything I ask him to come with me to help out he spends the entire time on his phone and blackberry.
I had a scan scheduled yesterday and whilst I really appreciate the effort he made by coming he spent the whole ride to the hospital and while in the waiting room working. As soon as we got out he was back on his phone. I didn’t even get a chance to discuss the scan or how I felt with him. If I complain of feeling ill or tired his standard response is to tell me to stay positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant remember the last time we spent more then 10 minutes “together” I mean we are constantly together if you include his mobile and blackberry in the equation.
So if he isn’t travelling he is working, I’ve tried to set up date nights, I’ve tried to tell him how I feel, I’ve tried to hide his phone, I’ve tried fighting and screaming. Nothing is working.
What really shits me is that tomorrow is his birthday and I had planned a surprise party and he has just called to say that he will be home late as he has a client meeting.
I feel like I should pack up my things and leave. I doubt he’d even notice that I was gone.
What really hurts the most is that when he is around dd he is amazing, and I really miss the person I fell in love with. But I really hate the asshole I’m living with right now

choosyfloosy Wed 27-Aug-08 08:33:07

My God you have both got so much to deal with.

Is he trying to shield you from things going badly at work? He might be afraid to talk in case he spills the beans that he thinks he is about to be made redundant or something.

It does sound like a nightmare for you but tbh it also sounds like a nightmare for him. I think you will look back and wonder how you both survived this period. Please try to hold on - the preschool years are SO tough, you have been ill, you are pregnant... if he is unable to be kind to you at the moment, you are doing the right thing by being kind to him - the surprise party is a great idea. The party can start without him, and he will love it once he gets going.

I am just so shocked at everything you are both having to deal with. Very best of luck.

LackaDAISYcal Wed 27-Aug-08 08:41:28

Oh dear sad

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to expect him to spend at least some of his time at home as "quality family time" to coin a cliche.

My DH works away four days a week, and often works at weekends and evenings when he is home, but his work is pretty flexible and he is only catching up with the times he has spent with the family when he should be working.

Re the party tomorrow he needs to be told what you have done (can a well meaning friend or relative speak to him about it) so he can try and reshuffle his client meeting, then you need to get him to agree to some time so that you can discuss things and tell him how frustrated you are at his lack of support/attention at home. At the very least he should either be taking on the responsibility fir dealing with the house building himself ar employing a project manager to take the pressure off you a bit as your pregnancy progresses.

so, I don't think you are being unreesonable to feel this way at all, but think you need to think how to manage the situation rather than going ballistic at him and maybe doing something you might regret in the long term.

Of course you can always just enjoy the surprise party and seeing all your family and friends without him and than act like it's a regular event when he eventually sees fit to get home wink

rmm Wed 27-Aug-08 08:44:38

Thank CF, i'm crying as i type this! its his own company and they have hit an incredible growth spurt, which means he has to travel alot more.
the upside is that i can stay home alot longer after the bub arrives. The downside is that i have a non existent husband.
We are planning to move in 2 weeks, and i am in a complete panic. DD starts a new school in September, i have to move house, i'm working full time and DH is traveling again next week for 2 weeks.
What really gets me is his partner at work doesnt seem to be pulling his weight at all! I mean his wife has 2 toddlers and yet he will not take on any travel. And Dh wont put his foot down and make him.
I really wonder whether he cares more for his business then he does for me.
And i know i'm hormonal but is this really going to be salvageable in the long run.
I don't see an end to this craziness. He has trips planned until mid dec, which is when the baby is due!!!!!!

LackaDAISYcal Wed 27-Aug-08 08:52:44

I think he needs to get his partner to share some of the responsibility for helping out with this growth period, which is great when you think about it in the current economic climate. On that, is it possible that he is seriously worried about the way things might go and is trying his hardest to mitigate any danger to the business?

It sounds like he has gotten so wrapped up in the business and providing for you and DD that he has forgotten that a world outside of it exists. You really need to sit down and talk things through with him, and in the meantime, can you cut down your own work hours so that you can deal with the domestic side of things?

I think if you keep going like this then you are heading for a nervous breakdown, at a time when you need to be taking thins a lot easier, especially if you have already been very ill with the pregnancy.

Call him, schedule an appointment if necessary, but tell him now that you need to get this sorted before you lose the plot entirely.

Rhonds Wed 27-Aug-08 08:53:47

YANBU however maybe he's worried about the credit crunch and providing for the children and the move.
It's easy to get worked up about things whilst pregnant that you'd normally sort out easily as you feel far more vunerable. The mental hormones don't help either!!
Tell him how you feel and get him to agree to switch his phone off after 8pm maybe/

rmm Wed 27-Aug-08 08:57:38

Hi Lacka,

I am trying to stay as calm as possible and not lose the plot. But I'm really struggling and every time i try and plan some us time it always gets eaten up by his work issues that he "has" to deal with. His reasoning is that he is spending time with dd and so doesn't have much spare time. I know he is, but i am really tired of feeling selfish for needing his time and attention.
He doesn't know what stage of the pregnancy I'm at or show any interest in the baby.
I am honestly contemplating having fun at the party without him. Its going to be a fairly early night since dd is going to be there and i'm still exhausted all the time! He crawled into bed at 1 last night and i had to be up at 6 so on top of everything else i feel sleep deprived!!

traceybath Wed 27-Aug-08 08:59:41

I totally sympathise.

My DH has his own business too and its put a lot of strain on our relationship. From his perspective its a lot of stress and a lot of hours and often he'll be massively worried about cashflow and he just won't have told me.

He almost didn't come to 20 wk scan with my second as he had a meeting. It was also very lucky in hindsight that my second came early on boxing day as christmas is the one time he takes some time off otherwise he wouldn't have taken any paternity leave. In fact the day i was out of hospital (after c-section and baby in NICU for a week) he was back at work.

However before you think he sounds a nightmare i do accept that he has a lot of responsibility to pay quite a few people's wages and i don't work.

I have got a cleaner and when pregnant got someone to do ironing - can you pay for some help?

We look at our relationship as a partnership and i just do take care of most of the domestic stuff. When he's around he's a great dad and does lots with my boys.

I guess with us it just took a while to work out who did what and then accept it.

Have a chat - force him out for dinner minus his phone and try to sort out how you can proceed.

choosyfloosy Wed 27-Aug-08 09:04:55

You need support. Serious support and right now. You cannot go on like this.

I'm afraid I'm not going to say that I think your dh should do all the support personally. That would be the best, but I think it's unrealistic just at the moment. He needs to think about taking on a new employee who could handle some of the travel, perhaps, but that's a medium/long term strategy. You could start suggesting it though - make sure he knows that you are NOT happy that he is doing an unfair amount of the travel.

Breaking this down, what stresses you the most? It sounds like the move and/or the building. (are you rebuilding in order to move, or building the house you are moving to?) Here's a relocation company. Throw some money at the move to try and reduce that stress a bit (unless that's your dh's company of course!) Get a project manager onto the build. There's no way you can manage a full-time job, an advanced pregnancy, an existing child and a build, unless you are willing to feel like this every day for the next 3 months. Ring a concierge service and get a cleaner employed, or better yet a housekeeper.

If all this is unaffordable (it certainly would be for me), then go to your doctor and get signed off from work pronto, and ring round relatives until you can find a helpful one who could come and stay for a bit. I don't think you sound in a good state of health.
Sorry if I sound bossy. I'm quite worried about you.

rmm Wed 27-Aug-08 09:08:05

Thanks guys.
I'm glad i'm not being a nagging fish wife I'm normally really calm and reasonable ( I think!!) and i would have coped fine with everything. But this pregnancy has been really hard. I'm still really ill everyday and exhausted all the time. I have to go into hospital for b12 shots every week, so i dont feel "normal" and yet Dh assumes that everything is normal.
I would rather do with less money and more "us" time, but his overwhelming concern is that we will soon have 2 dc and double the responsibility. Its almost as though he's in shock but dc2 was very much planned, so whats going on with him??!!
His phone is on 24/7 because he deals with different parts of the world. I've tried setting up a meeting!! And that failed, so now i just don't say anything, but feel more and more resentful everyday.
Would i be really crazy to just go away for a few days and see if that shocks some sense into him???????

choosyfloosy Wed 27-Aug-08 09:12:14

I would say don't go away. Go to bed.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 27-Aug-08 09:15:48

TBH Leaving would be a bit OTT and if you truly believe he wouldn't notice, a) why go and b) you need to talk to him about how you feel if you can be so flippant about leaving your marriage.

Since he is so attached to his blackberry can you get access to it and block out an appointment for you to talk to him? You really shouldn't have to but if it achieves what you want.....

Is he so busy working as he is pressures or worried about keeping his job? Maybe you could write him a card, maybe he says to you not to worry as he is worried himself.

Talking is the key and he has to stop and give you some time.

traceybath Wed 27-Aug-08 09:15:52

I wouldn't go away i'd force him to talk.

Times are hard at the moment - do you think he's got work worries? I know my DH is having to do loads more to win the same amount of business.

Do you have any help at home at all?

rmm Wed 27-Aug-08 09:20:44

Hi CF,
I live in east africa so i have domestic help. So i am really really lucky. But with that comes the nightmare of managing people. So i've got help with the physical things (but then again i couldn't do that on my own because i have a prolapsed disk and a very painful back)And since i've had so many complications in my pregnancy i have had to be really careful with carrying things and trying to rest!!

But i love the idea of a project manager, i guess since I've done things in the past i thought i could cope. So i'm going to look into that today!

Suggesting anything about his work leads to endless arguments and i just dont have the energy.

I was signed off work for the 1st 2 months of my pregnancy and if i take any more time off i'll lose my job. But when i try to discuss this with DH he just brushes me off.
I dont have any family around and i hate to ask his because they act really weird, so i'm thinking of asking my friends for some help. I hate the though of me not being self sufficient but right now i'm just not.
You dont sound bossy. I guess i just need to know if i'm being a pathetic wimp. Because i certainly feel like one

choosyfloosy Wed 27-Aug-08 09:21:57

The trouble (and the glory) of your own business is that, while it gives you some great choices, it removes others, or at least feels like it does. It won't feel possible to your dh right now to say 'less money, more 'us' time' as he will worry that making that choice will equal 'NO money and no company either'. To some extent this is how it is. If he were happy in a regular job with regular hours, he would be a different person. None of that means that you cannot speak up, and act, to get yourself the support he is unable to give right now. That of course means spending money that he probably thinks of as money for your dcs' future. Tough. If you have a physical and/or mental breakdown, he would have to give up the company altogether.

choosyfloosy Wed 27-Aug-08 09:22:54

sorry xposted.

choosyfloosy Wed 27-Aug-08 09:24:36

Really glad to hear about the domestic help. I know what you mean about managing people, but with a dicky back there's no alternative (my dh has one. Wish we still walked on all fours sometimes!)

rmm Wed 27-Aug-08 09:26:43

i know running away will not solve anything! But its a really nice thought. I wouldn't leave my marriage - just go away for a few days!!
I'm going to try and force him to slot an hour or so tonight for us to talk. I really hope i can tell him how i feel. I normally make a right mess of it! And end up crying and getting angry and it doesn't resolve anything. Just makes matters worse.
I know DH is a good person, and when he is around, he makes me totally fall in love all over again.
I'm going to try again tonight. Maybe i should flush his blackberry down the loo!!! Or send him and agenda on it??!!

traceybath Wed 27-Aug-08 09:28:50

I would seriously email a meeting request and put it in his diary - an agenda in a light hearted manner may also help.

If your DH is anything like mine he'll just want to fix things rather than necessarily empathise with my feelings.

Just wondered is it possible that you could factor in some relaxing stuff for you, massages or something?

babymt Wed 27-Aug-08 09:36:29

Hiya. I don't really have any advice really but just wanted to say I'm in a very similar situation. My dh's company got taken over a few months back and he got given someone elses job to do as well as his own. He ended up working 15 hour days sometimes and he was away 3 nights out of every week as well as a week and 2 weekends away in July. I got so fed up of it I kept telling him we can't go on like this and he agreed to leave his job which was fantastic!

However he didn't do it and whilst its better at the moment in that he got rid of some of his workload its v quiet at the mo coz its summer. I suspect as soon as summer hols are over then everything will pick back up again and he'll be off again. And this time I will have to cope without him and being pregnant at the same time.

And its not just work. He keeps cycling at the moment and ok I can see he needs some chill out time its bugging the hell out of me. Cycling 2 nights a week therefore leaving me to do the kids dinner, bed, bath etc I think is out of order. The way I see it is evenings and weekends should be shared responsibility time and not just me doing everything time. I don't get to go out anywhere and also he can just take an hour off work whenever he feels like it but I can't do that. And god if I ever ask him to take an hour off oooooh no not allowed!

I know in my dh's case he think he gets such a high salary which he couldn't get anywhere else he think he's lucky. But I think he could get it somewhere else. And his company just take the piss and gave him a really bad pay rise so they obviously don't care.

And they ring him when we're on hols. Schedule him on conference calls when on hols. And then the bloody blackberry comes everywhere. He claims it makes his life easier in that he can reply to emails when they happen rather than come in to 50 in the morning but I just see it as never being able to get away from his job. He also works evenings.

I know he is our soul earner as I don't work but he's miserable in his job so I just don't get why he won't at least look for something else. Its totally affecting our quality of life in that he's unhappy, i'm unhappy and the kids are unhappy whenever he leaves coz they don't think he's coming back. My youngest will sit sobbing at the front door crying "daddy" for ages and it breaks my heart

Anyway. I'm sorry you are going through this too. I really feel for you especially having such a tough pregnancy. I hope you get it resolved some time soon. Maybe your dh should take on some extra staff rather than trying to do it all himself?

LackaDAISYcal Wed 27-Aug-08 09:37:16

running away from it all without telling him won't do any of you any favours in the long term, but perhaps suggesting that you'd like to get away for a few days to a health spa to recharge your batteries might be a good idea, if there is anyone who can lok after your DD.

And getting someone in to help look after DD for a few hours, or do your ironing is a totally different thing I would imagine from dealing with full time employees when you are employed full time yourself.

You sound like you have it all going on really and I feel for you. Your DH needs to realise the effect this is all having on you. Can a trusted friend or relative talk to him about it if he isn't listening to you? someone who is more emotionally distanced from the situation?

rmm Wed 27-Aug-08 09:57:02

babymt, i am so sorry that you are having a tough time. It sucks!!
Enjoy summer whilst you can and my suggestion is talk about how you will cope when things get busy now, whilst things are still relaxed. I know that trying to have a discussion right now i need the skills of a seasoned diplomat! TBH dh does help out, and i dont do any of the heavy work, but i make dinner and spend time with dd and then clear up and make sure everything is organised for the next day as well as manage the people that work for us, organised the shoping etc and manage the build as well as work full time.
I agree the blackberry makes life so much more complicated i hate it.
DD cries everytime her dad goes away and i deal with the inevitable emotional fall out and then its all highs and being spoilt when he comes back and i feel like i'm running a constant gauntlet of trying to keep her in check only to have her dad spoil her rotten when he gets back.
If you ever need to chat - please let me know
Lacka i cant get away for the next month or so because we have to move and dd is starting a new kindergarten. And after that i doubt there will be anywhere i will feel comfortable going!
I have tried suggesting counseling and he completely baulked at the idea. No one really knows what is going on with us, because on the surface everything is perfect.

traceybath Wed 27-Aug-08 10:02:27

Sorry - suggestions i made re ironing were before OP said she had domestic help. I understand the situation is therefore different to mine.

rmm Wed 27-Aug-08 11:00:38

Dh just called to say that he's going to be out for dinner for tomorrow night!
So i had to tell him about the surprise party and although he apologized and feels awful, he also feels i should have may be checked with him first given how busy he's been and that he's traveling next week.
In any case he cant make it!!!!!!!!!
Am walking away from my desk for a bit as might start crying again!!!

HonoriaGlossop Wed 27-Aug-08 11:13:35

I think you do have to do something big to make him listen.

What do you want in life? You will have to weigh up your choices I guess. My DH is home at 5 every night and spends oodles of time with DS and with me BUT he is plodding on as a local council officer, will never earn more than about 40K tops, we live in a two bed house and won't be able to move in the forseeable future. BUt I'm happy, we're happy.

Is this work situation to 'get' the house built, get you set up etc? What are your long term plans? Where are you guys heading? What are your / his priorities?

TBH if this was me I would tell him I needed a serious talk NOW about your marriage.

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