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to be jealous of DH's life outside the house

(22 Posts)
KleineMaus Tue 26-Aug-08 22:59:44

Not the nature of his life outside the house so much, I know he's finding his job a bit stressful at the moment, but just the fact that he has one! DH has just come back from 3 weeks away working, during which time I was alone with DS (just turned 2), in a house we only moved into 3 weeks previously, in a village where I know not a single soul. I know they were working hard while they were away, but I know they also had fun, working in a big group, outdoors and in the evenings having a good drink. He has no idea how I long to be part of something. As a SAHM my sphere of existence is tiny, I feel I barely exist outside of the house and the neverending round of preparing meals, doing dishes, washing, preparing meals, doing dishes, oh and then after that sitting down in the evening to do the freelance work I'm attempting to do in my 'spare time'. The only good thing about him being away was the fact that I didn't get angry about it always being me doing the cooking and the dishes, as there was noone else to do them. Now he's back, and he's tired after all his hard work(!) and slightly anxious at work as he's just started a new job. He came home today and lost the head with poor ds (spilt his drink and then cried because his food was too hot!) within about half an hour of coming home. I think if I can stay civil with him (ds that is) after being at home with him all day (not to mention the past three weeks), then I think he can. Argh! I've just had enough of this nothing life. Sometimes I dread another day of the same. Sorry for very long rant...

eekamoose Tue 26-Aug-08 23:19:54

I understand every single thing you are saying Kleine, especially the part about DH having no patience with DS after only being with him for such a short time. Drives me potty too. I think the only possible solution is for him to spend more time with DS and come to realise that he loses his temper over every single little incident that he will spend his whole day being angry. Which is no fun for anyone. The only reason you are better adjusted to it is because you have had more practice at it. The spillages and upsets and interruptions are more "normal" to you so you don't get as frustrated by them.

Its not at all fair though and I sympathise hugely.

pollyblue Wed 27-Aug-08 09:30:53

I know exactly how you feel, my DH is self-employed and off and out most days and often works evenings and weekends too. It's very easy to get bogged down by the daily drudge of baby/housework (and as much as we love them it can get you down) and feel like you have no time just to be 'you' and do something different.

I met two, now very good friends, just by getting out with dd for a good walk every day. It might not seem very exciting but a good old walk and fresh air really can lift your spirits. Does your village have a community centre or church hall? See if they hold mother and toddler groups, yoga classes etc that you could join. Tell your dh how you're feeling and suggest you have a regular family day each weekend, aim to go out for lunch or take ds to the park - just spend time together out of the house and give your dh time away from thinking about work.

I'm also studying with the Open University now - could you do something like that? It stretches my brain and makes me feel that I've still got a foot in the 'real' world. And once the dcs are at school, the qualifications I get will help me get a better job, so it's time well spent.

HonoriaGlossop Wed 27-Aug-08 10:24:02

agree that there's nothing more annoying than blokes coming in and losing tempers with the first little thing the child does wrong. TELL him. "I've stayed civil with him all day and you can't manage half an hour!" Yes, it may provoke an argument - so what. SOmetimes they need to hear the truth. Yes work is hard but that does not mean it gives you the right to be short tempered at home. There are responsibilities at home too, if you choose to have a home and family.

I agree with trying to find ALL the community stuff that goes on, it will probably be hard at first but you might hook up with some genuine friends eventually. Do you drive? I'd try to get out somewhere every single morning or afternoon.

And remember he's already two, only a few months till he could be going to pre-school and you will catch a break then.

And most importantly I think, HAND DS OVER at weekends. My dh used to take DS swimming each and every weekend, just the two of them, and I had a morning to clean up off. It was good in so many ways: DH having sole charge of ds helped their bond so much, gave DH an understanding of the work of dealing with him, and funnily enough gave him more patience; they get the time to work out their own strategies for jollying them along.....oh and it meant DS was utterly confident in the water and helped with him learning to swim!!!

PussinJimmyChoos Wed 27-Aug-08 10:26:45

Totally identify with the getting cross with them within 30mins of coming in! DH does it with DS and I'm angry as I've had nearly 12 hours of it by this time and I haven't lost my patience...apart from standing over the sink and cussing quietly before going back in to smile at DS! grin Why do men do that?!!

cmotdibbler Wed 27-Aug-08 10:27:52

TBH I think YABU. I travel for work, and yes, although theres some socialisation, it is blardy hard work too, and you never get to relax properly because you are always at work to some extent, and can't just go off and chill on your own. Its also hard when you've been away, and you miss the family soo much, and then get back and its not the nice cuddles and loves that you have been looking forward to, but the tears and tantrums of toddler life (which of course is reality, but doesn't make it easier)

I also assume that he may be worried about his new job, providing for you and DS, and paying for the new house in the current economic climate.

Perhaps you need to get DS into a preschool/nursery so that you have some time apart, you can do some work and get a breather, esp if your DH does lots of long aways

HonoriaGlossop Wed 27-Aug-08 10:28:08

because they want an easy life and don't want to THINK and it takes a bit of thought to think of something to say to a child in that situation, it's just easier to bellow.

KleineMaus Wed 27-Aug-08 10:30:09

Pollyblue, I checked out a local toddler group last week and plan to go back. I'd love to study something with the OU, but at the moment I need my spare time to do freelance work, which pays quite well and keeps my hand in (I'm working for my old employer). However, this means when dh buggers off to bed at half ten I'm sat up at the computer working (oh and faffing about on mn). Terrible as it may sound, what I want isn't more family time but time by myself. Dh can be very good with ds, but it rarely occurs to him to completely take him off my hands. I've thought of negotiating myself some regular 'time off', but it makes me feel like I'm a maid or something, and anyway, I feel I shouldn't have to ask, but I know that if that's what I want, I will have to ask. I know it's hard for dads too, they're at work all day and they're tired when they get home and need a break at the weekend too, but I feel I never get a break from childcare.

HonoriaGlossop Wed 27-Aug-08 10:35:33

of course you need to negotiate it. Don't be a martyr; your DS NEEDS time with his dad at the weekend because he doesn't get it during the week. Men being the way they are it is prob down to you to organise it but it is totally right that he SHOULD look after ds while you get a break. Healthy for DS, for him and for you.

I just don't get why sometimes people are so hesitant to get the dads having sole time. Yes work is hard, I do it and I know - but they CHOSE a wife, family and house, they have RESPONSIBILITIES there!

Sorry Kleine am not ranting at you, just seem to ahve read alot of these threads lately and the blokes seem to be let off so bloody lightly

KleineMaus Wed 27-Aug-08 10:35:33

Sorry, Honoria, hadn't seen your message. Yes, I think you're right about weekends. Will suggest swimming. I'm too lazy to take him. A 'just about to pop' pregnant friend has just totally shamed me by telling me she's going to take her toddler swimming!

HonoriaGlossop Wed 27-Aug-08 10:39:11

Don't you just hate friends like that - what a cow grin

I think swimming is a brilliant weekend activity; often dads are the most fun to go with, they can chuck kids around and do all sorts of 'dad' style games like shark attack etc grin Also, it takes a good while, enough bonding time - DS and DH used to have lunch in the pool cafe afterward and it was their treat. No doubt chips were the order of the day, I didn't ask hmm

Good luck

KleineMaus Wed 27-Aug-08 10:40:49

I know why I'm so reluctant to ask, because of the responses I get. If I want to do anything like go and get my hair cut, I feel I have to say 'Is it ok if I make an appointment for Saturday..' and have had the response 'well, I suppose it'll have to be...', whereas he just announces he's popping out to get his cut.

thebecster Wed 27-Aug-08 10:44:47

'well, I suppose it'll have to be...' shock Have you told him how that makes you feel? That really would wind me up. You sound very patient. What freelance work are you doing - is there any way you could expand it and get some childcare?

HonoriaGlossop Wed 27-Aug-08 10:49:15

oh I think I need my blood pressure pills

<help>

How DARE he take that attitude? He chose to have this child as well, I presume you didn't do it all on your own? I think you have be assertive, and give him the BIG hairy eye-ball if he gives you any reluctance/big sighs etc. You just will have to let it wash over you - swan out anyway. It's very, very naughty of a dad to be like that.

HonoriaGlossop Wed 27-Aug-08 10:51:41

I must admit my DH is brilliant, but there have been times when he's needed a bit of sorting grin I do remember (it's coming back to me now!) getting some reluctance for me to have time out in the earlier days with ds, and I think it helps to face them with what they're doing.

"Why are you saying that? Why are you sighing? Is it really so bad to be looking after your child for an hour or two? Why?"

Gosh, I am an agressive old bag at times.

However, it's paid off wink

Good luck!

pollyblue Wed 27-Aug-08 10:52:32

Hello again, understand what you mean a bit better now - you're with ds all day, then working all evening so no 'me' time. Agree with HonoriaGlossop negotiation is the key grin. DH and I do exactly that - and i don't feel like the maid, it gives me something to look forward to. We have to forward plan quite as bit as his work is unpredictable, but if your DH's hours are regular then yes, get him and ds to do an activity together and then you can go off and do whatever takes your fancy.
I think the 'problem' is that for many men home is their sanctuary, somewhere they can relax. They forget that for many women, especially SAHMs, it's as much of a workplace as an office! We all need regular breaks - get negotiating! grin

pollyblue Wed 27-Aug-08 10:55:21

Stop asking him! Change of tone needed me thinks......

pollyblue Wed 27-Aug-08 10:57:47

......start negotiating firmly grin

KleineMaus Wed 27-Aug-08 14:47:15

Pollyblue, you're spot on with your comment about the home being a sanctuary for men who've been out all day, but it being the workplace for me. I think I could use that with dh if you don't mind being quoted...

KleineMaus Wed 27-Aug-08 14:52:11

Becster, the freelance stuff I'm doing is editing and proofreading and I could probably do more and get childcare, in fact I'm starting to seriously consider it. As it is I'm attempting to do just 10 hours a week, but sometimes fitting even that much around ds is tricky, especially now the afternoon sleep seems suddenly to have been dispensed with (although that at least means an earlier bedtime!)

bozza Wed 27-Aug-08 14:54:20

I took DS swimming at 39+ weeks. It was lovely. I could just wallow about with the water supporting my bump and because it was a toddler session DS could splash about and play with the toys. I am not normally so keen on it. so would definitely suggest it for your DH and DS.

That coming into the house and immediately having a go at the children does my head in too. I work 3 days a week and I don't do it.

thebecster Wed 27-Aug-08 15:03:27

KleineMaus - can you get the childcare Child Tax Credit, or book into a SureStart creche for an hour here & there when you're first building up your hours? So there isn't too much financial pressure on you when you're first building your hours up?

It sounds like you never have a break - looking after your kids, then working the second they drop off to sleep! You must be tired. And your DH is probably tired and feeling the pressure of being a breadwinner too. I think there's often an element of envy between parents of young kids - the grass is always greener. Of course it's just equally hard in different ways...

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