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I genuinely don't know who is being unreasonable...

(119 Posts)
TheArmadillo Mon 25-Aug-08 11:50:38

Because of problems I have wiht my mother I have no idea what is unreasonable behaviour or not.

So would like so opinions on the following.

1) I go round my mother's house, she is busy finishing a few things off. I make her cup of tea and take ds into garden so he does not disturb her. When she finishes (15-20 mins later) she is furious that I have not put out her washing, unloaded her dishwasher or done any tidying/cleaning for her. My opinion is I was making sure ds did not disturb her and genuinely didn't notice hte washing.

2) Her laptop had crashed when she was using it. I was on my way out the door, but had a look. I couldn't do anything to fix it and couldn't suggest anything. Mum was furious and sees this as an example of my laziness and selfish behaviour.

3) Mum wanted to get rid of some things - my dp suggested freecycle. She got my sis (who llives at home) to check out the site, but discovered in order to register you would need to write a small bit on why you wanted to join. She refused to do this as thought it was too much to ask. BEtween her, my dad and my sis (all degree educated) they decided it was unreasonable that they should have to do this themselves and that it was my duty to. I feel that as they were perfectly capable of doing it and it was just htat they didn't wan to I shouldn't have to. (I did it btw cos I couldn't stand the row).

So what's your opinions? These are examples of similar things that crop up again and again. I have no idea whether I am behaving childishly to prove a point or whether these are unreasonable expectations on her part.

piratecat Mon 25-Aug-08 11:56:54

you must be exhausted.

what's to be furious about? when you say furious, does she act like a big kid?

don't let this ridiculous behaviour undermine you, yanbu.

toxic or what.

hana Mon 25-Aug-08 11:57:07

your mother sounds v odd

ForeverOptimistic Mon 25-Aug-08 11:58:57

I'm surprised you bother visiting her. She sounds like she has problems.

HollyGoHeavily Mon 25-Aug-08 12:00:12

She is being very unreasonable, not you. You go round to see her, not to do her chores for her. I would try and rise above it ['easier said than done' emoticon].

TheHedgeWitch Mon 25-Aug-08 12:00:14

Message withdrawn

hollyandnoah Mon 25-Aug-08 12:00:45

:|

Whenever i go to my mums she always gets on at me if i dont hang washing out, load her machine, wash the dishes in the sink.
I usually do it though.. to save the hassle! I thought it was maybe because i was still young and she feels i'm still her child iykwim? i'm 22 now though and she still moans if i am there and the washing finishes and i dont hang it up...

Buda Mon 25-Aug-08 12:00:48

YANBU - they all sound nightmareish.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Mon 25-Aug-08 12:01:13

no you are not behaving childishly. does your mum pay you to do her washing? im guessing not and its not your washing so you dont need to take it out for her. alright so it would be nice of you if you did but you didnt notice it. your mum could only berate you if she was paying you.

as for freecycle my dad uses my ebvay account because he doesnt understand how to set up his own and cannot work out how to use paypal so if he uses my account i pay for the items when i check it. however he does not go in a mood with me if i dont do it immediately.

these are unreasonable expectations on your familys part not yours.

i have no idea how to solve it without causing an argument. have you always been the one they rely on for everything?

TheArmadillo Mon 25-Aug-08 12:01:37

she is furious because she sees it as deliberate laziness on my part - e.g. I could fix the laptop but I can't be bothered, not helping her do her housework is laziness because I should be doing it (I don't live at home, but if you visited her house you would think me and ds lived there - she's constantly on at me to move home). She shouts and tells me that I am ungrateful, lazy and selfish. And she doesn't know why she bothers with me.

She convinces me that she is right (and it's only recently that I've realised her behaviour is somewhat odd) and so I find it hard to tell if I am just assuming all her behaviour is unreasonable or if it is actually unreasonable.

pollyblue Mon 25-Aug-08 12:01:49

If my mum got "furious" with me over things like that, personally i wouldn't go anywhere near her.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Mon 25-Aug-08 12:03:14

next time she visits you suggest you put the kettle on while she hangs out your washing.

you do not live there anymore they are not your chores.

ForeverOptimistic Mon 25-Aug-08 12:03:48

She tells you to move home when you already have??? hmm

Seriously perhaps she needs to see a doctor.

SlartyBartFast Mon 25-Aug-08 12:04:46

she is absolutely unreasonable.
does she visit you at your house?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Mon 25-Aug-08 12:06:53

am i right remembering another thread about your mum taking over your ds's life and changing his clothes etc thinking she could do better for him than you and constantly undermining you?

i think your mum has control issues and need counselling. get your sister and your dad to have a word with her about it and in the meantime stay away from her. get caller id and dont take her calls.

pigleto Mon 25-Aug-08 12:07:39

I would ask her if she had talked to her GP about not being able to cope. Does she treat your sister in the same way?

BabiesEverywhere Mon 25-Aug-08 12:08:17

"you would think me and ds lived there - she's constantly on at me to move home"

Sounds like she is having memory problems...could you get her health/memory checked out ?

TheArmadillo Mon 25-Aug-08 12:08:30

she refuses to visit my house because she says it is filthy (there are only a select few people I will have over my house because of this - though they say it isn't that bad, just a bit messy).

I prefer that she doesn't because she will inspect it and then start tidying/cleaning/gardening as she says she can't look at it. Or she (and other members of her family) will stand over me and make me tidy/clean while they watch.

She still views her house as my home and is sure I will come to my senses one day and leave dp and move back there.

SlartyBartFast Mon 25-Aug-08 12:11:12

hmm. don't visit, visit and grin and bear it.
presumably she will be "furious" whatever you do or don't.
she sounds annoying.

MrsFearnleyWhittingstall Mon 25-Aug-08 12:12:09

Are you my sister my Mum is exactly the same .

She has a myspace site which is a nightmare as she rings me constantly to find new layouts and do her blogs for her (FFS they are her blogs)

Asda delivery nightmare ---she constanly bugs me to find her a money off voucher and ask me stupid questions.

She has discovered ebay and now every time she buys anything she rings me to log into her paypal and pay for it .

She also wants me to go and clean her house once a week because she works (yes and I have 5 dc) I don't do it.

I sympathise greatly yanbu

Anna8888 Mon 25-Aug-08 12:13:04

Your mother sounds excessively high maintenance sad.

TheArmadillo Mon 25-Aug-08 12:13:50

she has probs with her short-term memory and her hearing, but those are different problems that I make allowances for. She's not so bad that she can't remember that I left home for example.

She is a control freak but having grown up with this and only recently realising that she is unreasonable I have problems with knowing what is acceptable and what isn't. I am used to making excuses to friends and family for her behaviour so it's difficult.

Yes seashells, that was my mum you were thinking of.

I am cutting down visits etc, but there is a lot of stuff we have to sort out for reasons to do with my house etc, plus ds misses them if he doesn't see her. Though we are in the middle of untangling a lot of it at mo.

beanieb Mon 25-Aug-08 12:14:01

1. she is furious that I have not put out her washing, unloaded her dishwasher or done any tidying/cleaning for her. My opinion is I was making sure ds did not disturb her and genuinely didn't notice hte washing..

Furious? really furious. DO you have some unspoken agreement that you should be doing this?

2. Her laptop had crashed when she was using it. I was on my way out the door, but had a look. I couldn't do anything to fix it and couldn't suggest anything. Mum was furious and sees this as an example of my laziness and selfish behaviour.
...

Furious again!? How were you supposed to know how to fix it?

3. Mum wanted to get rid of some things - my dp suggested freecycle. She got my sis (who llives at home) to check out the site, but discovered in order to register you would need to write a small bit on why you wanted to join. She refused to do this as thought it was too much to ask. BEtween her, my dad and my sis (all degree educated) they decided it was unreasonable that they should have to do this themselves and that it was my duty to. I feel that as they were perfectly capable of doing it and it was just htat they didn't wan to I shouldn't have to. (I did it btw cos I couldn't stand the row)...

why did you do it, I would have left it to them.

CarGirl Mon 25-Aug-08 12:14:42

Run for the hills!!!!!!!!!!!

I think you need to get a lot of distance from your mother.

do you love your dp? Get married, leave and cleave then she will no longer be your immediate family your dh and ds will be. The marriage suggestion is based on perhaps she sees your dp as a boyfriend rather than your husband perhaps.

Anyway your mum sounds a bit of a nutter.

Urieel Mon 25-Aug-08 12:14:58

Wow, Armadillo!

YANBU. Your mum is acting like a kid, not you.

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