only got time to start this thread, but am i the only one sick of doing things to be a good parent when i just want to shout at my 10 year old 'not so' DS for going out of his way to be as disruptive as he possibly can. Talking in calm voice, using the bloody 'I' message, trying not to lose my cool when inside i am screaming and want to tell him he is being a selfish, manipulative, demanding, lying individual. i know he is only 10 and has some problems but i am just bouncing from one crisis to another, and the majority of them are centered around him. have done so much to try and be positive and boost his self esteem but when does it pay off? am i expecting too much of him to think for himself a little bit, about the consequences of his actions. i feel like crap and want to shout at him but that probably make no difference. heeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllppppppp!!!!!!!!!
I gave up on 'by the book' . I may even one day use 'the book' to wedge the girls' bedroom door shut to keep them still and out of mischief for 5 minutes . I think sometimes you have to just go with your instincts/experience/knowledge of your child. Sure there are a lot of child psychologists out there that have done a lot of studying and I'm sure have a lot of experience, but none of their books know that a star chart for potty training did sweet FA and the introduction of a packet of choccy buttons sorted the whole thing out in 2 days flat!!!! I do a lot of things that would horrify the book writers (and I don't mean anything abusive, cruel or nasty), but you know what I'm a lot happier in my own skin now, I feel more in control and the children have certainly sensed that.
but there is no by the book ! people make suggsetions about what works best based on their experience for most kids most of the time. But the same things don't work in every enviroment. And we are human. Sometimes I shout at my son, sometimes I am upset and angry and he is a child but he gets that it is because I am only human. Kids understand we have bad days. It is good for them not to see you as a parenting bible all the time.
I know the "calm reasonaing" is supposed to be the answer to everything at the moment, but I actually think it gets through to some children better if you do just snap (a bit!) and let them know how much what they are doing is annoying/upsetting you. Obviously that's not something that should be happening a lot, but sometimes a bit of a blow-up clears the air, just like it can in adult relationships, specially if followed by sorting things out between you on whatever subject caused the explosion.
I am all for positive parenting (especially cos it works) but a) we are human, and all lose it occasionally, 2) I actually think it's important that dd will also respond to me saying crossly, 'that's enough, stop it.'