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to think this lady shouldn't have her baby? (sorry long one)

(63 Posts)
gemdangracie Thu 21-Aug-08 22:57:09

AIBU? A lady I know is 13 weeks pregnant and she has 2 dc already one is nearly 4 and the other is 1.

She is dealing with social services as they suspected she was hitting her dc's (I witnessed this twice and reported it.) Her partner is a cocaine addict and frequently smokes weed.

Her and her partner have learning disabilities and her eldest dc has learning disabilities and they just cant cope as they dont get the support they need.

Social services already visit them twice a week for various things and have told them that if she goes ahead with the pregnancy then they will take all the dc off of them when this one is born.

Every friday she comes around to my house expecting lunch and dinner (but I can't not feed them as she never brings food for the dc's as she says she has no money and I can't see them starve) telling me she wants to buy all these double buggies that she really cant afford and the dc's have new clothes twice a month.

Do you think that she is being selfish by having this baby knowing that social will take them off her or should she enjoy the two she has until they can cope bettr than they are now?


MissisBoot Thu 21-Aug-08 23:00:47

Do you think she doesn't actually understand what is going to happen if she has this baby?

How severe are her learning difficulties?

electra Thu 21-Aug-08 23:02:18

Yes you are.

What gives you the right to be so judgemental?

hester Thu 21-Aug-08 23:03:44

Well, it doesn't sound ideal, no, but the combination of circumstances you describe make it likely that she's not making reasoned choices the way you would. So I'm not sure 'selfish' comes into it; sad, maybe. I'm glad you're taking an interest in her kids; poor things. I hope that whatever social services do, it helps this family find a good way forward.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Thu 21-Aug-08 23:04:22

if she talking about buggies it sounds to me like she doesnt understand or believe it. i think you should phone ss again and tell them what she has been saying, they could maybe give her counselling to help her understand?

TenaciousG Thu 21-Aug-08 23:04:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2shoes Thu 21-Aug-08 23:05:47

not selfish. you say she has a learning disabilitie, sounds like she needs more support

chapstickchick Thu 21-Aug-08 23:06:29

i initially thought how 'good' a friend you were for her and maybe you could support her in making a better life for herself .......however having read that you have witnessed her attacks on her dc and reported it im not so sure you are the friend she believes you are.

Romy7 Thu 21-Aug-08 23:06:54

i'm with hester. very sad. hopefully she will get lots of support.

Skramble Thu 21-Aug-08 23:09:54

gemdangracie I think you are getting yourself into the rock and a hardplace situation. You feel obliged to feed he as you think kids are going with out, you felt worried enough to report her. it must be very difficult for you especially when you can see how things will probably unfold when she has the baby.

UniversallyChallenged Thu 21-Aug-08 23:10:19

Tenacious- she wants advice not stupid comments like that angry how does what you said help the situation??

Gem do you know the social worker involved where you could have a conversation about your worries? You sound like you are being not only a good friend - feeding them- but trying to protect the dcs too by reporting it.

tiredlady Thu 21-Aug-08 23:11:21

Hang on chapstick,

I think reporting an assault on a child takes precendence over whether someone is a "friend" or not.

And it sounds as if reporting her has been helpful, in that social services are involved and trying to monitor the situation for the dcs.

UniversallyChallenged Thu 21-Aug-08 23:11:51

Chapstick- do you think she is wrong to report the hitting then?

gemdangracie Thu 21-Aug-08 23:13:25

I dont think that she does understand what is going to happen, I have tried to explain to her about it as I see her 3 times a week, where we go to a baby group where she gets help from a family support worker. I have said to her that if she wants the help and support I will give it to her and I have even offered to adopt her baby to prevent social taking the other dc off her..
She has got very bad dyslexia

Electra- not trying to be judgemental, just trying to understand and for a bit of advice really on what more I can do to help.

Skramble Thu 21-Aug-08 23:16:07

All I can say is be very very sure of what you are doing and offering. That is above and beyond the call.

TotalChaos Thu 21-Aug-08 23:17:53

yabu. you can't turn the clock back and make her not PG. I don't think it's fair to demand that any PG woman have an abortion against her will. Hope that SS offers more support rather than threatening removing all the kids.

gemdangracie Thu 21-Aug-08 23:19:01

UniversallyChallenged-I dont know the social worker as I just phoned our local office but I have spoken to her family support worker and she said that what I have told them just confirms what they thought? hmm

Chapstick-if I didnt report them and something worse happened, how do you think I would feel knowing that she has hit the dc's before and I didnt do anything about it? I wouldnt be able to live with myself!sad

gemdangracie Thu 21-Aug-08 23:21:12

Total- Im not telling her to have an abortion against her will, I told her it was her choice and I said id stand by her as much as i can and social have been giving her more support as this aint the 1st time they have threatened to take the dc's away from her.

Romy7 Thu 21-Aug-08 23:22:29

i think you need to take step back. you have offered to privately adopt a baby from a couple who both have learning difficulties and one has a drug addiction. they already have at least one child with learning difficulties, and you have reported them for child abuse. i think you are just too involved to be able to think clearly at the moment. by all means contact the social worker if you feel you may be able to offer some support, but i would hesitate, as a young family, to be offering more at this stage. this is not your problem, and the family need good professional support.

chapstickchick Thu 21-Aug-08 23:22:30

no i think shes very right in reporting it - i too have been in a similar situation with a neighbour but i dont think its wise that she is so onvolved iyswim.......i think if it were me id back away a little as she may think you are advocating her actions and then you would find yourself in a very hard spot.

Skramble Thu 21-Aug-08 23:23:01

I think it is unfair to say it was bad to report her, what about all those abused children where the neighbours pretend they can't see anything.

chapstickchick Thu 21-Aug-08 23:23:46

i think romy worded it better than me - sorry if i offended you.

kittywise Thu 21-Aug-08 23:24:09

Gem it sounds like you are a good support to this woman.
is she selfish? That's a hard one

I can't answer it.

chapstickchick Thu 21-Aug-08 23:24:31

skramble i did just explain what i meant

UniversallyChallenged Thu 21-Aug-08 23:25:30

some things just make you want to weep dont they sad "just confirmed what they thought"

I think you are doing all you can and it's interesting when you get a friend like this and you try and bring up about how you discipline your dcs, they often are ready to listen. What to us is so obvious - you dont hit children- they seem to have to be told.

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