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AIBU?

To be worried that he is visiting prostitutes?

48 replies

Ffrankie · 18/08/2008 15:54

I have changed my name because to be honest I am mortified about what I am going to tell you but I really need some advice.

I have been with DH for 4 years now. Not long after we met he told me that when he was with his first wife he had visited prostitues on a number of occasions. He was very ashamed of this and said it was near the end of his marriage. His wife was rather emtionally abusive and controlling and he said that visiting these women made him feel in control.

Now I'm not justifying his actions, I have accepted his explanation but don't particullarly condone his behaviour.

Now DH and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch, and i admit its mostly down to me, I have been very depressed and moody and have given him a hard time over the last few months. I have sought treatment and i'm now slowly getting better.

But DH is acting weird, he's been home from work late a few times, which in itself is nothing but today he phoned me up to say he might go and see his children (from 1st marriage) after work. He NEVER does this on a monday, he has an arrangement with ex that he goes round two nights in the week tuesday and friday, and that we have them every other weekend. He has never just gone round on a didfferent night. He said he is not sure yet but will text me later.

So I Know I might be being very paranoid but I know how much I have put him through these past months and I'm terrified that he is returning to his old way of dealing with problems at home.

I know that being paranoid is part of depression and i hope thats all it is but could really do with an impartial opinion.

OP posts:

Report

Tortington · 18/08/2008 15:57

if he is a acting weird he is acting weird. you know him best.

can you phone the x under some spurious excuse to get him on the phone?

BitOfFun · 18/08/2008 15:59

Poor you! I would check up on him by calling his ex-wife to see if he is there. If his story doesn't check out, thjen yes, I would worry too

Hope you get some support on here, this sounds horrid for you x

BitOfFun · 18/08/2008 16:00

Ah custardo, great minds! Agree with you that listening to instinct is right too.

MrsMattie · 18/08/2008 16:00

A tricky one. Personally, I would find some way of checking that he is where he says he is on this occasion and if he is telling the truth, then leave it at that and put future suspicions down to paranoia..

MummyAnnabella · 18/08/2008 16:04

i would follow him when he leaves work so you KNOW

Ffrankie · 18/08/2008 16:06

I could phone him when he's there, thats a good idea. I keep telling myself that I'm being Daft but I just have this feeling inside, I never usually feel like that, usually i would say I trust him 100%. I am a big believer in instinct.

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 18/08/2008 16:06

I'd call the ex just to check with her that he has indeed gone round to see his children.

BitOfFun · 18/08/2008 16:07

No good just ringing his mobile though - do you a have a number for the house?

Ffrankie · 18/08/2008 16:09

I do have his ex's home number, but I never phone him on that if he's there, I ring his mobile. Usually though his children always want to speak to me when they know i'm on the phone so i think if he was there I would be able to hear them in the background.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 18/08/2008 16:15

No, this one has GOT to be the landline. If the kids don't come on the line, he will have an excuse and you will feel none the wiser but still worried.

Ffrankie · 18/08/2008 16:18

maybe i could say my battery is dead on my mobile?

OP posts:

Ffrankie · 18/08/2008 16:24

don't know why i said that, thats a dim idea!

OP posts:

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 18/08/2008 16:25

you could ask him? tell him you're worried and you know it might just be you being paranoid...obviously depends on your relationship but seeing as he was honest with you before, maybe he will be again - would you believe him if he said he wasn't visiting prostitutes, do you think he'd understand why you'd ask?

just thought I'd put it out there as an option in spirit of continuing what seems to be an honest relationship?

Tortington · 18/08/2008 16:27

dont mention the mobile - you dont have to if he is where he says he is and if he isn't ...wellit isn't an issue.

you see i could say that i have lost my ventolin - its like - really important that i have it - and it would be a valid thing to ask - have you seen it ...is there anything liek that?

MissMoopy · 18/08/2008 16:28

Have you just asked him outright?
I think that you have a right to know - in terms of trust, potential risks to your health etc etc.

BitOfFun · 18/08/2008 16:47

BUt then he'll be on his guard...No, there is a simple way of finding out with a quick phone call, no need to start up a heated discussion which will probably not put your mind at rest anyway. Not many people get a crystal clear opportunity to know for sure, so I reckon just phone. You can always do the honest and straightforward route further down the line.

Ffrankie · 18/08/2008 17:13

god this is just awful, if i phone and he's not there i'll be devestated.

I am going to make up an excuse and phone him, its the only way to put my mind at rest and if he isn't doing anything wrong he will never need know that i doubted him.

OP posts:

InTheseShoes · 18/08/2008 17:30

Could you ring him to ask if he knows where your mobile is as you need an important contact from it..?

thesockmonsterofdoom · 18/08/2008 17:39

what tiome could you phone him, or could you just phone his ex now and say when he gets there could you ask him to call me.

IShaggedInVictorianSqualor · 18/08/2008 17:49

I think you've been offered the best advice, phone the ex's home phone.
Do you have a good relationship with her?

Ffrankie · 18/08/2008 18:01

I don't have a great relationship with his ex really, i have tried but think she has always seen me as the enemy for some reason. Must add though that she ended her marriage to DH 2 years before i met him so not sure why she resents me, but thats a whole different thread.

DH said he will phone me to let me know what he is doing but he finished work an hour ago and he hasn't phoned so i have the perfect excuse for phoning him at his ex's. He should be there by now but think i'll leave it til half past just to make sure.

I feel sick to my stomach, I want to know but don't want to all at the same time.

Thanks for the advice guys

OP posts:

IShaggedInVictorianSqualor · 18/08/2008 18:04

A good enough relationship to call though?
I really hope he is there.

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Slickbird · 18/08/2008 18:15

How awful for you! I don't really have any advice, but if he has done this before I would naturally be concerned. Has he been checked for STDs? I wouldn't let him near me! God, that's really awful, if you haven't got trust eh? I really hope you get it resolved and wish you all the best. ((((hugs))))

Ffrankie · 18/08/2008 18:42

right, can't bear it any longer, going to phone now

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BananaSkin · 18/08/2008 18:48

What happened Ffrankie - I hope you are OK.

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