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to not take the dd's to visit inlaws?

(14 Posts)
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Mon 18-Aug-08 14:26:05

okay if i was just refusing to allow them to see them that would be unreasonable i know that. but me and dh have an ongoing argument about this.

he thinks i prefer the dd's to see my family more than his. and that i never bother with his family <sil and mil>. but surely it works the other way around aswell? my family phone me and ask if they can come and collect the dd's if they havent seen them for a while. dh's family never ring me or ask to see the dds.

mil lives just around the corner and walks past my house daily to go into town for a coffee but never knocks on the door and asks if i would like to join her and never asks if she could push lo in her buggy.

sil has my mobile number and knows i wouldnt decline if she called and invited us around/out but she never does. her dc's go to the school attatched to dd1's nursery so she would see me daily when collecting dd1 but never asked if i wanted a coffee or anything with her or if she could take dd1 for dinner or anything. infact she barely aknowledged me unless i spoke to her first. i think sil thinks im a bit common for her <my family are very working class>.

i have no problem with sil and i like mil. but am i BU in thinking dh shouldnt be constantly having a go at me for not taking the dds to see his family when they never bother with us? surely it works both ways they could call me like my family does?

AbbaFan Mon 18-Aug-08 14:29:55

It does work both ways, but why don't you start the ball rolling and ask them to pop in / meet up or something.

Maybe they think your just not interested in them.

solidgoldbrass Mon 18-Aug-08 14:34:49

SOunds like you're all pouting an going 'Well she never makes the effort, why should I?'
INvite them to meet up or come for coffee. Your family call you more because they are your family. Does your DH think (as a lot of men do) that because you don't have a penis, all the emotional servicing ie contact with IL, remembering everyone's birthdays etc, is somehow your job?

PootyApplewater Mon 18-Aug-08 14:35:55

Why can't your DH take the children to see his own family?
Maybe he should be the one to get the socialising going with them.

Mamazon Mon 18-Aug-08 14:37:34

your related by marriage. being related doesn't mean you have to be friends.

Why does she have to invite YOU around for coffee in order for you to allow them to see their grandchild/niece?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Mon 18-Aug-08 14:42:41

yes sgb he does. i dont like inviting myself to other peoples houses and dh thinks that my house is too dirty for his family. its a rented house and not in the best of conditions. i ahve once or twice called in to see his mum but she always seems put out by us being there, unless its been arranged previuosly. dh says this is just the way she is and i know she gets lonley as she has told us so perhaps i should make more of an effort with mil. i just feel cheeky turning up on her doorstep.

we go to mils on a sunday pooty, but he never seems to bother with his sister and neiece and nephew. which is sad. sad i find his family all a bit strange i talk to my family daily they never seem to bother with each other, unless its some ones birthday.

sil visits mil a lot but not dh, she never phones him either.

AbbaFan Mon 18-Aug-08 14:47:57

So your DH moans at you about the DC's not seeing MIL, but also thinks your house is too 'dirty' for her to come to you! How rude.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Mon 18-Aug-08 14:57:15

yes thats about it abbafan i feel like i cant win. if i turn up at mils i feel i am intruding on her and sil has a lot going atm so im sure she wouldnt appreciate me landing on her doorstep but i cant invite them here either because dh is worried about what they will think of the house.

sil and mil have lovely houses but they have a lot more money than us.

Upwind Mon 18-Aug-08 15:01:59

YANBU Tell your DH he needs to stop feeling insecure about the rented house and invite his family around. They might think you don't want them there.

It is a weird one because a lot of men like to see themselves as a provider. I know my DH longs to be able to buy us a home we can't possibly afford. But I won't let renting somewhere less than ideal stop us from having anyone around - this is our home for as long as we are in it.

Mammina Mon 18-Aug-08 15:06:23

Instead of dropping in unannounced to MILs, why don't you phone her and say 'me and the kids are going to e.g. the park today, do you fancy coming along?'. I realised recently that my MIL probably doesn't suggest things like this because I am not her daughter & probably doesn't like to interfere. So I've started suggesting that we meet for coffee, or that she pops round etc because even though we are VERY different, my DC is her grandchild after all and even though I much prefer spending time with my family, it's only fair that the ILs have a relationship with DC as well

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Mon 18-Aug-08 15:13:00

i might try that migola. im not sure she will she is very stuck in her ways and hates having her routine interupted but its worth trying. im sure it would do her good too, she needs to get out of the house more often.

she loves my dog so i might ask if she wants to come along next time we take her for a run on the feild/in the park.

upwind you might be onto something there, dh is always telling mehe feels like a failure because im having to go back to work due to how much we are struggling just to meet day to day costs. dh hates this house with avengance but we cant afford to do much to improve it and the landlord appears to believe that decorating and home improvements are our responsibility.

Mammina Mon 18-Aug-08 15:19:55

It's worth a try. That way the ball's in her court, and doing it on neutral ground gets over the fact that your DH is worried about them coming to your house. The dog walking thing is a good idea. Good luck

Upwind Mon 18-Aug-08 15:20:25

I bought lots of big colourful rugs (all < £20 from a sale). They cover up the horrible stained carpets in our rented house and make the place much more homely. I also got some big cushions and a runner for the table. If/when we move we'll take them with us.

Maybe doing a clean up and getting some fresh flowers before having them around to dinner would make your DH feel better about the situation? You could even explain to your MIL that he hates the place and feels bad about it so she is primed to say nice things!

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Mon 18-Aug-08 15:23:34

there wouldnt be a rug big enough to cover all the stains on this carpet we do actually have a new carpet waiting to be fitted but its one of the many things on dh's to do list, along with stripping and painting the bathroom walls, the paint has been in the bathroom for months.

we definatelt wouldne be able to do dinner as we have no dining room or table and mil is very fussy, she keeps asking where we eat if we havent got a table hmm but i could invite around for tea and cake.

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