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AIBU to not want my MIL to come and stay with me just after the baby is born?

(75 Posts)
Boobz Mon 18-Aug-08 10:58:43

I'm sure I will get lots of yes YABUs, but I just can't help feeling the way I do.

My husband's parents are really lovely, but I find them quite difficult to be around, especially when my hubby's not there with me for moral support. They are both ever so posh and worried all the time about the social ettiquete of how one must go about things, and get really upset and work themselve up into a frenzy about all sorts of things which I wouldn't even bat an eyelid at. We were at their house this weekend to make the pregnancy annoucement, and I try to give FIL the picture of the scan, and he bats it away as if I've tried to show him a picture of my fanjo... and all the while saying "Oh gosh, I don't want to see that! It's probably just a picture of your epiglottis, you can't see anything anyway!"... and then MIL starts telling me that I shouldn't talk about birth (what I'm planning - home birth) or to anyone else about their birth (was planning on asking hubby's aunt about it as she had all 4 of her kids at home) and MIL shrieks "you can't speak to anyone about birth - it's just not the done thing and it's very private and very messy". She also then goes on to tick me off for eating a curry the night before because everyone knows you harm the baby if you eat curries whilst pregnant.

Later in the weekend, FIL refers to my reading material (active birth books) as "Those AWFUL books you've been reading"...

Finally, I mention that my mum is coming to stay with me for a few days after the baby is born and hubby has gone back to work and MIL announces "of course I will come as soon as she has left, to take the baton" and I am mortified at the idea! If my mum does anything to annoy me, I can tell her to bugger off, and I can be hormonal and make mistakes and cry in front of her or whatever, but I could never do any of those things with MIL, who would just make me nervous all the time that I wasn't doing it right, or that I wasn't allowed to talk about the birth I had just gone through because it's not the done thing etc etc.

I just feel totally uncomfortable around both MIL and FIL all the time and I really don't want to have to feel that way when I've just had a baby. Am more than happy to travel to their house with baby and stay there and do all the gran-parently things, but am I obliged to let her come and stay with me on my own when hubby has gone back to work? Do other people have both mum and MIL come to stay?

Husband knows how I feel and says it's only fair that if my mum comes then his mum does too... so the only way I can get out of his mum coming is if I tell my own mum she can't come and stay.

Ready for it.....

PootyApplewater Mon 18-Aug-08 11:02:45


You don't want anyone around that makes you feel uncomfortable just after you have given birth.

Your mother coming to stay is NOT the same as his mother coming to stay.
Of course it isn't - and I am surprised that your DH, and his mother, can't see this.

Your DH needs to understand that, and then explain it to his own parents.

Let him deal with them.

And when the ILs do come and stay, get DH to take time off to be with them.

You'll have enough to do being a new Mum, without entertaining your ILs too.

Put your foot down, and start as you mean to go on. smile

MatNanPlus Mon 18-Aug-08 11:03:11

Umm, surely the reason your mum is coming is that she will of help to you whereas given your OP your MIL would be the exact opposite?

Maybe have your mum come for an overnight that is extended, how long could your mum stay without her life falling apart? maybe by then you will be up and about and can escape with your DC for long walks/sitting in the park/shopping centre

TheBlonde Mon 18-Aug-08 11:03:21

You may want your mum, if you do then have her to stay, you don't need to be equal about it
The relationship is different

VictorianSqualor Mon 18-Aug-08 11:03:43

Normally I would say YABU, in relation to your mum staying, and his mum not being able to.
But this time I don't think you are.

How would you feel if mum and MiL were both there at the same time? Would that be a better compromise? Or letting her come, and after oen day get your DH to send her home saying you want to get the routine sorted? Could always tell her you're doing the Claire Verity method and can't have visitorsgrin

I don't think you should be made to feel uncomfortable, anymore than I think anyone should have be a hostess days after having a baby.

MatNanPlus Mon 18-Aug-08 11:04:53

Is DH's Aunt approachable re Home Birth discussion as someone who has been there and done it, tho some of the things may well be different depending on how long ago she did hers

crazymummy84 Mon 18-Aug-08 11:05:55

I would tell your husband that it is not him who is going to be the one at home, therefore if you want YOUR mum there, and not him, that is up to you. Fair do's they are both the baby's GPs but it is YOU they are staying to help, not the baby. Hubby can stuff it.

ScaryHairy Mon 18-Aug-08 11:06:45

Your husband is missing the point. You will have just had a baby, you will be feeling vulnerable and you will be trying to learn to look after the baby (while he goes back to work).
My PILs came (albeit to stay in a nearby hotel) for a week after my daughter was born and it was hideous. I wouldn't have minded dealing with my parents, but my parents know when to push off and also they do everything the same way that I do. And I don't mind wearing pjs, looking crap and leaking milk in front of my mum. To do so in front of MIL felt embarassing...

Tell your DH that his mother can come for maximum of 2 days provided she stays in a hotel and that he is there at all times to supervise.

Oh, and I wouldn't let anyone come to visit for more than a couple of hours at a time until the baby is at least a week old. You need time to get used to being a family and to process everything. You don't need house guests.

giddly Mon 18-Aug-08 11:07:01

Is your husband the son of Hyacinth Bouquet?
If this isn't a wind up, they sound horific. You really don't want them anywhere near you when you've just given birth, are leaking milk, feeling stressed etc. Can she just come for a brief vist?
Maybe ask for her help in clearing up after your home birth - that should put her off.

OurHamsterisevil Mon 18-Aug-08 11:07:17

YANBU, you need to be able to feel relaxed at that time. I had IL's round after DS2 was born, all I wanted to do was go to my bed and chill, I would have felt fine doing that with my Mum, but with IL's felt I had to be social. I have since learned from this experience and would not do it again, or would just go to my bed and not care.

If your MIL is that stuffy it will be awful for you. I can imagine it now, she will not want to see the babys bare bottom, if you are BF she will have to leave the room. grin

Does not sound good. Congrats on your baby though and good luck with you HB, mine was wonderful

pudding25 Mon 18-Aug-08 11:08:13

YANBU. No way! Why should you have her to stay if you dont want her and she makes you feel uncomfortable? After having a baby, you want to cry, slob around, talk about the birth and look like crap, not put on airs and graces and have to entertain someone you dont feel comfortsble around at the best of times. Your DH is being totally unreasonable. It is different having your mum there (although I would rather have had mIL but that is a different story!). He needs to tell his mother not to come and why. You have enough to deal with. She can come for the day but not to stay.

nooname Mon 18-Aug-08 11:10:09

I think your dh is being totally unreasonable and missing the point.
Having people to stay just after giving birth is all about help for the mum. Anyone who is not going to help or be a hindrance should absolutely not come and stay.

I would say your fears about what it would be like if mil stays are probably totally well founded. I firmly believe that in the first few weeks/months of a baby's life you should only be thinking of yourselves and your new family. No-one else matters, the gparents can sort themselves out. They will have this grandchild for the rest of their lives the first few weeks/months don't matter.

People may think that is harsh but having your first child is a huge shock and upheaval and you need time and space to get used to it.

Uriel Mon 18-Aug-08 11:11:22

How far away does your mum live? Could she come in every day? - dh/mil wouldn't have to know then.

Better to make dh aware that you need your mum and because she'll help.
I was the opposite way around to you - welcomed mil and not mum as mil was helpful, cheerful and never overstayed her welcome.

LuLuBai Mon 18-Aug-08 11:11:48

I can see your DH's point but I think you need to put your foot down. My PIL booked a holiday on a long boat down a canal while I was pregnant. They were adamant that we should join them for a week on the boat - even though they were scheduled to go a fortnight after my due date. They wanted to ensure they got to spend lots of time with the new baby. But I knew it was the last thing I would want to do straight after giving birth. And especially as FIL is desperately uncomfortable with the whole concept of breastfeeding.

Throughout pregnancy MIL kept saying "and of course you will be joining us on the longboat holiday" and I kept saying "no we wont".

When DD was born my mother came up and stayed with friends nearby so she was on hand for a few days without actually staying with us. I didn't ask her to come - she just decided that's what he was doing. And we tood DD down to see DH's parents and grandparents for the day on her first weekend (before their holiday).

You really need to do what you feel happy with.

TheHedgeWitch Mon 18-Aug-08 11:12:43

Message withdrawn

Minniethemoocher Mon 18-Aug-08 11:17:38

YANBU - the last thing you want with a newborn baby is a MIL driving you crazy. I don't have that problem, MIL has no interest in her grandchild or grandchild to be and has only visited my house twice - once when we bought it and once when DD was 7 weeks old.

Your MIL sounds a real PITA! But at least she is interested.....

Hope that the homebirth goes well.

Boobz Mon 18-Aug-08 11:19:41

Thanks for all your messages - I really did think I was being unreasonable!

When we were in the car on the way home, I brought up the "awful books" comment with hubby, and he said that was because FIL thought they were "parenting" books and that mothers and fathers should work out their own routine without being told what to do etc etc... not specifically about the birth... so I should give him some slack..

and then we got on to the MIL coming to stay thing, and I tried to articulate it but didn't do a good job and he ended up going quiet. I asked what he was thinking and he said "I just wonder why you hate my parents so much", really quietly, and of course I FELT HIDEOUS and started to tell him that of course I like them and it's not them it's probably me being hormonal etc etc, and then left it at that.

I think I will say to my mum to come and stay the Mon - Thurs with me after hubby has gone back to work, and then invite MIL to come Friday - Sun so only staying nights overe the weekend when he's there and only for 2 nights.

And then everyone can bugger off and I can get on with it.

I was thinking about showing him this thread but then I got to Giddly's post about being the son of Hyacinth Bouquet and I think he would have never spoken to me again at that point (he IDOLISES his parents - only child and very posh himself when he wants to be).

Thank you!

Echo what everyone has said. The relationship is not the same as that with your own mother, and you shouldn't have to put yourself out that soon after having your baby. The first few weeks are all leaky boobs, bleeding, afterpains and tears, as well as all the lovely bonding stuff. You need to be allowed to talk about that stuff, or at least have the privacy to get on with it all without someone judging and telling you it isn't proper.

Looks like you have to toughen up and say to your dh/mil that you don't want her to stay, but you're quite willing to visit.

Stick by your guns love, you won't get that time back with your baby, and you don't need anyone around you who is going to make you feel bad because of her own stupid hangups.

Best of luck with it all!

MatNanPlus Mon 18-Aug-08 11:27:26

Sounds like a good plan of action Boobz tho maybe sat - sun for the IL's so you have friday to yourself?

TheHedgeWitch Mon 18-Aug-08 11:29:52

Message withdrawn

LadyThompson Mon 18-Aug-08 11:32:05

Aw, sweetie, you aren't being unreasonable. I am sure they MEAN well but they sound exceedingly exasperating. Your DH's loyalty should be to you. You are not saying that she can never come to stay; it's just a difficult, vulnerable time for you.

It sounds like you have reached a good compromise. But your DH needs to see his parents from a point of view other than his own.

agreed, matnanplus. And if you don't feel up to having them there then or overnight, just refuse to get out of bed with the baby, and tell your dh "I have not slept! My nipples are SORE! I feel like I've been kicked in the fanny by a horse and I do not want a fucking audience this weekend!" - I reccommend snarling too, if you can manage it. wink

(Btw, you very well may not feel that bad, but ladle it on anyway, most men don't/can't understand, and your pil definitely won't!)

PootyApplewater Mon 18-Aug-08 11:33:06

"and he said "I just wonder why you hate my parents so much"

Oooh, that comment is so telling.

I'm going to be harsh here - brace yourself. grin

Your DH needs to wake up and realise that he is about to be a father, and that his wife and child will have to be his top priority.

Frankly, if his mother gets upset because your mother stays immediately after the birth, and she doesn't, then that is up to her.

Your feelings as a new mother are more important than the fact that his mother may feel snubbed.

He should be defending you to them.

Please, please don't start apologising to him for the way you behaved.

You have done nothing wrong - they offended you!

Your DH is going to have to grow a pair, and show his parents that your feelings in all this are paramount.

Please don't feel bad - you sound lovely.

gladders Mon 18-Aug-08 11:38:11

YANBU - it's a very precious, completely chaotic time in your lives and your feelings need to be respected. My PIL did not understand this and I ended up a gibberging wreck!

However - it is still a long time away so try not to dwell on it if possible? Tell dh that he is wrong. PIL can come and stay at nearby hotel for a couple of days but not in the house, and that you will not need to pass the baton to his mother. End of. If he disagrees, then perhaps he would like to have the baby?

CJMommy Mon 18-Aug-08 11:50:30

Completely agree with PootyAppleWater above!! Couldn't have put it any better grin

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