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About thins (long one)

(30 Posts)
mamamama2 Sun 17-Aug-08 20:15:28

Okay, first off, please don't think this is a prank, an insult, or a troll; it's a serious and honest question, and I really want serious and honest opinions. I don't want to offend anyone, and I hope I don't.

Yeah, I'm new. Hi by the way.

Here's the situation.

When I was in my teens, I met a young woman (Vi) who rent on to become a very good friend of mine. Vi is part of a very strict Catholic family, and I was 17 at the time (she's American, so to her, age of consent is 18 and that's what she considers morally correct) so when she began developing feelings for me, it was problematic in several ways.

Now that I'm engaged to a lovely man (Chris) with a beautiful son (James) it's even more problematic.

See, in June 07 she tearfull admitted that she's still in love with me (an obsessive, unrequieted type of love that's driven her to depression and anorexia). I explained to her that I wouldn't leave Chris for her, which she had already known and accepted, and she went on her way, still thoroughly miserable and resigned. Chris, on the other hand, is perfectly fine with the idea of Vi and me having a relationship while maintaining one between he and I. It's not a pervy thing, wanting to see me with another woman, and he didn't know Vi's mental state, so it's not like he was being emotionally pressured or anything else; as far as he's aware to this day, she still just fancied me, and he knew I still had some feelings for her, but had already told her that there was no way I'd leave him for her. Put simply, he's absolutely okay with it. It's something even I struggle to understand, but he really is.

So Vi and I began a long distance relationship last autumn. In that time, Vi has made huge improvements medically, as have I (I also suffer depression and anxiety) as well as gaining a new zest for life (I'm a writer who never really got very far until just lately, and she was half way through a university degree she was going to just give up on) and mine and Chris's relationship has also improved.

Of course, I found out three months later that I was pregnant.

At first I didn't think about it, but now that Vi's finishing her degree and planning to move to England (not just for me or anything...she has family here and prefers it to America. She always planned to live in England after uni) it's something I'm having to consider. The arguement for homosexual's with children is one thing (i.e. will raising a child in a homosexual family 'teach' them to be homosexual themselves) but raising a child in a three-way relationship is another. The way I see is, James will have three parents who love him instead of just two, which can only be a good thing. However, I also understand that polygamy is still considered illegal and not something I can really encourage in my child.

However, it's not a simple case of just breaking up with Vi; she's got a fantastic career ahead of her, and wants nothing more than to move to England and look after me, Chris and James for the rest of our lives. Chris and I are in a terrible place, both financially, circumstancially and in our relationship at the moment, and without Vi we will be stuck in a small village living on council support for years. With the current economical situation in England, this is also something I loath instilling in my child, and the environment we're in is, in a word, dangerous. I'm scared to go to my window when someone's outside, let alone leave the house alone or think about letting James play outside when he's older. Vi can provide a much, much better life for him than either Chris or I can; even if I get the best job I can and he gets the best job he can, we probably won't make half of Vi's expected first-year income in our first five. And on top of that, with the amount of aid she gives mine and Chris's relationship, I don't think he and I would last very long without her there as the mediator.

So now you're probably thinking that the obvious solution is to split up with Chris. But if I do that, I'll be alone with my anxiety, depression and a baby in a nice dangerous place until next summer when Vi can come over, I'll be depriving Chris of his son and James of his dad, and most of the initial issues are still there; I know people raised in same sex relationships who have been fine with it, but what would you think if you grew up knowing that your mum left your dad two months after you were born for another woman? Chris and I are very good together, but the stressful situation we're in at the moment is making things hard for us both, and Ri's the only one who can reassure and calm us both. In 18 months, it'll be a completely differant story.

Anyways that's the problem. Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone or if anyone thinks I'm just trolling; I promise I'm not. Thanks.

mamamama2 Sun 17-Aug-08 20:17:29

The title was meant to be 'About this', not thins.

LynetteScavo Sun 17-Aug-08 20:23:27

Is Vi happy for you to stay with Chris, and be with her aswell?

mamamama2 Sun 17-Aug-08 20:24:14

Yes she is.

thisisyesterday Sun 17-Aug-08 20:32:08

I know people in poly relationships who are very happy with their living relationships and have children.
it may not be "the norm" but there is nothing wrong with it.

what I think you need to think about though is:

whether your current relationship difficulties with Chris are in any way related to the relationship you now have with Vi.
only you can honestly answer that. did any of the current problems arise after you started your relationship with her?

you say that Vi is the only one who can keep you 2 together. why is that? if you don't think you would last without her input then is it rteally a relationship you want to be in?

are you in any way being wooed by the lifestyle that Vi could offer you? ie, if she was completely out of the picture, would you be happy with Chris? or still thinking of leaving?

mamadiva Sun 17-Aug-08 20:32:18

Sounds like you are using Vi to help keep Chris which is a bit odd! Also youj make references to what she can do for your family financially, sorry but you are definately using this woman and it's not fair on her or your husband or you son! If you are no happy with Chris don't take someone else's feelings for granted to make your life better!

LynetteScavo Sun 17-Aug-08 20:35:39

So the ideal solution (on paper)would be for you all to move in together, live off Vi's huge income, and you'll all be mentally stable.

I mean, it's not as if you are going to be shagging in front of your son is it?

Sorry, what was the exact question again?

LynetteScavo Sun 17-Aug-08 20:35:51

So the ideal solution (on paper)would be for you all to move in together, live off Vi's huge income, and you'll all be mentally stable.

I mean, it's not as if you are going to be shagging in front of your son is it?

Sorry, what was the exact question again?

shootfromthehip Sun 17-Aug-08 20:36:34

You need to decide who is of more value to you emotionally and not just be practical. My best mate and her husband split up 3 yrs ago and she was in the most awful situation afterwards. It was horrid for her for a while and as her mate I hated seeing it but now she is much happier and confident despite being in a shitty area. She makes sure her DSs are loved and looked after and see their Dad. That has to be the best thing you can do?

As for the same sex relationship issues then surely if Dad is around then all the bases are covered LO wise so what difference does it make if you live with a man or a woman?

However, your relationship with both of these people sounds shocking and deeply unhealthy. Have you thought about being on your own? Don't underestimate how much little ones pick up on a poor relationship and there I am talking from my own experience. I'm not going down the whole you need to love yourself route but you do need to work out who and what you want. Get some counselling for the anxiety and the depression. Good luck though- it doesn't sound like you have an easy path whatever you decide smile

LongLiveCuckoo Sun 17-Aug-08 20:37:08

IF you could only have one of them, which would you choose?

I think you should have a relationship with Just the one you couldn't bear to lose.

Maybe neither are for you if it's so unclear to you??

onceinalifetime Sun 17-Aug-08 20:39:54

Are you in love with either of them?

tiredlady Sun 17-Aug-08 20:42:24

Sorry, I am being dim here and don't understand.

If money and circumstances were no object, and you could live in a beautiful town/house with no financial worries, who would you want to be with?

Chris or Vi?

nkf Sun 17-Aug-08 20:44:19

What's going to happen in 18 months to make it different? And perhaps you could involve a couple of extra people because right now, it's a bit straightforward. Why don't you all live together? If Vi is daft enough to foot the bill, that's her lookout.

pamelat Sun 17-Aug-08 20:47:14

I think you have to strip finances out of it and think of what you actually want.

mrsruffallo Sun 17-Aug-08 20:51:36

I don't really tjink there is a problem here.
Vi wants to be here for he career. She loves you and can help you out fnancially.
You like the mum dad son unit at home, it is comfortable.
Can you maintain a home with Chris, have Vi in a bachelor pad nearby, share your week with them and all live happily ever after?
What's the problem?

LynetteScavo Sun 17-Aug-08 20:58:27

but what makes you think Vi will help you out financially. If she lives near you, she can benefit from your relationship with out spending money on you, surely?

squiffy Mon 18-Aug-08 12:12:18

I don't see the problem tbh. Are you really just wondering what the neighbours will think? Sounds like you have a plan that all of you think might work, which is more than most of us. Get over yourself and get on with it. might work might not. just like any other type of set-up.

AbbaFan Mon 18-Aug-08 12:18:50

It's probably not a good idea to use their names tbh. Stick to DP and friend etc

CrushWithEyeliner Mon 18-Aug-08 12:23:28

wow. I guess do the thing that will cause the least disruption to your children for now.

IShaggedInVictorianSqualor Mon 18-Aug-08 12:30:49

Not everyone is made for monogamous relationships, apparently.
If all three of you are happy with you and Chris being a partnership and Vi joining you when she is ready/able then I don't see the problem, it's only society telling you that you must have one or the other.

I do get the impression that although you think/act like you want a relationship with Vi, that you may be using her which is unfair. You need to think through whether if tomorrow Vi was hit by a bus and you and chris were to have to take care of her would the feelings still be the same?

Bumdiddley Mon 18-Aug-08 12:42:00

You sound very selfish. You weigh these two up in terms of what they can do for you.

You want to dump Chris but can't because you will be alone before Vi comes here?

I really pity you.

kslatts Mon 18-Aug-08 12:47:33

I think if you are all happy then living together and having relationships with both Chris and Vi isn't wrong and if all 3 of you are really happy with the situation then go for it, however I also feel that Vi's financial situation shouldn't be taken into consideration. Would all 3 of you still be as happy if Vi didn't have the job prospects she does?

solidgoldbrass Mon 18-Aug-08 12:51:01

Oh FFS ignore all the witless monogamy fascism OP. It is PERFECTLY possible and PERFECTLY valid to have a longterm triad or tribe (more than two sexually-involved adults) family and raise happy, healthy, very emotionally literate children.

Have a hunt round for some polyamory and bisexuality websites, see how many other people have done it and are doing it and doing just fine. Yes, it's harder work in some ways to have an unconventinal relationship, and you will always have to put up with prurient questions from bucketheads, but one of the great things about the internet is the ease with which you can find out that you are not alone, not wicked and not mentally ill for wanting somethign different to the rest of the herd.

Yes, of course, poly relationships go wrong sometimes, but just look at all the monogamous ones that go tits up.

filthymindedvixen Mon 18-Aug-08 12:52:54

ok, this is just going on your OP, but nowhere do you seem to suggest that you are in love with VI, just that she is in love with you.

Are you thinking of this solution because you feel you owe VI something, or that you feel that because she loves you so much, you must love her in return...?

And I don't think people should enter into a relationship out of guilt or emotional 'obligation' etc.
At worst it does sound like you are 'settling' for Vi because of the finacial security she could bring into your life....

I think you need to think about what exactly, you want out of this.

Overmydeadbody Mon 18-Aug-08 12:59:19

I think if you are all happy eith the arrangement then carry on seeing Vi and beign married to Chris.

Your children don't need to know the extent of your relationship with Vi until they qare older, I'm not saying lie to them, they can know she is a special friend or even part of the family, but just keep it all age-appropriate and there shouldn't be a problem.

Monogamy doesn't suit everyone, and if all partners are happy with the set-up, you can have any arrangement you like really.

Good luck.

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