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To get so jealous of fiances past!!!

(8 Posts)
Kiansmummy Sun 17-Aug-08 00:28:52

I have been with my wonderful fiance for over 4 years- He is kind,considerate, loving and giving to me and our 11 month old son.
I have recently given up work to care for my son and I am living in a small village with no access to transport whilst my fiance works hard to provide for us.
However lately I am getting obsessed with his past and I am sorry to say but I have destroyed old photos and certain objects from his past without his knowledge- I hate the fact that he has been with other woman which is silly but what is even more strange is that I hate the fact he has gone on so many lads holidays and nites out in the past!!
I am beginning to think that this may be due to the fact that I feel my life is on hold at the moment and I live away from my family and close friends- do you think it is more of a control issue than a jealousy one (We met when I was 23 and he was 30 and I had a somewhat colurful past so I know I am being hypocritical!!!)

nappyaddict Sun 17-Aug-08 00:32:02

YANBU to feel jealous

YABU to destroy photos etc although the fact that he hasn't even noticed proves to you he obviously doesn't care about them or even look at them.

3andnomore Sun 17-Aug-08 00:34:06

Erm...YABU, that is for sure...I mean, destroying his stuff...etc...that is acting on your feelings, and he doesn't seem to deserve that!
As for the feelings you are having...feelings can't be helped and you feel how you feel....and it probably is because of your situation...therefore I think you should try to work out what you want and make changes in your life.

JamieJay Sun 17-Aug-08 00:36:50

Nothing much of use to say but didn't want this to go unanswered.

Do you feel that you can never have all the experiences he's already had because you now have a DS? Is there any way you could try and build up a support network? Could your family come to you if there is not local transport for you to us?

Also, talk to you DP, explain that you are feeling a little trapped and need to find a way to take control of things. Think of practical things that you/he can do that will help you feel more peaceful.

JamieJay Sun 17-Aug-08 00:37:32

Took so long, other people posted first blush

Kiansmummy Sun 17-Aug-08 00:38:39

Please believe that I am normally a reasonable person I am just bored and frustrated at the moment but I guess this is no excuse tp destroy his things as he is a very decent man you are right what I have done is out of order and not me!!!

lynniep Sun 17-Aug-08 00:41:58

you poor lamb - it seems that you're feeling very insecure and lonely at the moment - yes quite probably because of your life 'being on hold'. I agree totally with nappyaddicts comments. Please try to stop dwelling on past things - they dont matter here. The first line of your post tells us all we need to know. Re-read it yourself and ask yourself why you need to be jealous! He hasn't done anything wrong - everyone is entitled to have a past - he clearly loves you and your DS and is doing his best to provide as you say. It must be very hard living in a small village with your DS and you have nothing else to occupy your mind - are there any other young mums around - things to do - places for you to go that arent far away?

ScottishMummy Sun 17-Aug-08 00:56:10

KM - you are feeling scared,isolated and bitty insecure away from you datum and unfortunately your imagination is running riot

you are experiencing changes eg giving up work, different.that is really hard

instead of focussing on perceived differences accept as a capable male he is with you and son (regardless of past events because he wants to be). in fact dalliance's, silly stuff etc contribute to our character - hey he was a student so what. you were a student so what

doesn't actually matter of you both were the biggest goers going, what matters is now and your relationship.after all he is an adult with volition, choice, higher executive functioning he chose you

imo this isn't really jealousy,that is a diversion a smokescreen. more about roles and one's transition

do take care

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