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To be intensely irritated and lacking in patience because my Dp will not muster the willpower to GIVE UP SMOKING!!

(16 Posts)
willweeversell Sat 16-Aug-08 17:04:37

He has to nip out at least twice an hour for a bloody 'ciggie', we are constantly waiting for him to 'have a ciggie' in between arriving somewhere and going in etc etc, how come I don't get to opt out each and everytime I fancy indulging a habit!!

He is a dad now FFs, I gave up smoking when I fell pregnant, yes it was tough but I had to. he said then he would be giving up too but he hasn't. There is so much support out there to stop smoking there is no excuse in my opinion.

I lost my dad to smokong when he was in his 40's and live in fear of the same happening to my son.

I know I probably won't get a lot of sympathy from Mnetters who smooke them selves but I am fed up of playing second fiddle to his stinky expensive lethal habit.

Rant over!

princessglitter Sat 16-Aug-08 17:18:18

Oh I really do sympathise, my dh is the same and I hate it. I wish he would stop, but he won't even try. I find it disgusting.

lazaroulovespastries Sat 16-Aug-08 17:20:41

Dh is the same. It pisses me off as he stinks the whole time.
He must spend an absolute fortune as well. I really don't know what would make him stop. Even watching his mother take her last breath in hospital due to lung cancer didn't put him off. Scared the shite out of me though and I don't smoke.

expatinscotland Sat 16-Aug-08 17:21:17

YABU.

Sorry.

DH is smoker, too. I knew that when I married him and when I got pregnant with each of our children.

Do I wish he would stop? Yes. His parents both have Type II diabetes and smoking ups his risks of developing that even more.

But he's not me and it's not for me to decide that.

Nor is it yours.

You know the score when you got involved with him.

expatinscotland Sat 16-Aug-08 17:23:11

DH doesn't spend much on his. He uses rolling baccy he gets half price from an Eastern European colleage and he only rarely spends money on himslef - he's pretty much teetotal.

But I knew he was a smoker. It's not up to me to change the goalposts and nagging him won't help.

I know how hard it is to give up, too. I did it because I was pregnant. He wasn't. That's how it works. He's not a she.

willweeversell Sat 16-Aug-08 17:52:40

yes but expat, we didn't have a Dc then. That changes things, in my eyes. I was a smoker before and lived just for myself, if i kicked my heels up That was my own look out. I just think he is choosing to be a selfish bastard. I have made so many sacrafices for our family, this isn't a terrible thing to ask of him.

Also there are health implications for our ds if he continues to smoke, apparently the lungs keep on chucking out the CO and thousands of other chemicals long after the last ciggie has been stubbed out.

mrsleroyjethrogibbs Sat 16-Aug-08 17:55:27

yanbu i am in the same boat although my dh has given up on several occasions, he cant seem to be able to keep to it.
i sympathise

expatinscotland Sat 16-Aug-08 17:56:28

It changed things for YOU, unfortunately, will, but not for him.

Unless of course, you had a conversation before you had kids, 'If we ever have children, we'll both quit smoking.'

He knows there are health risks, you don't need to hammer that home to him.

My DH still smokes. I don't think he's a selfish bastard hmm. Gees, especially not after reading some of the stories about the behaviour of some of the partners and husbands on here! He's a guy who smokes, not a man who drinks or gambles everything he earns away, abuses us, is never home, etc.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

And the more you nag him, the more he's going to be inclined to smoke.

I know I would be (and yes, I was a pack/day+ smoker before I had DD1).

willweeversell Sat 16-Aug-08 17:59:50

I don't nag him, I try to talk in a supportive way about it when he expresses an interest in giving up.

But he IS a selfish bastard, because he is indulging himself in a potentially lethal, antisocial and exspensive habit when he has responsibilities. Doesn't mean I don't love him but he is selfish.

expatinscotland Sat 16-Aug-08 18:01:35

He doesn't want to quit otherwise he would.

So that leaves you basically with two choices: either learn to make some peace with it, however you can (counselling, etc.) or leave the relationship.

Seriously, getting yourself so upset about it is going to help no one because it's not going to change things or make it any more enticing for him to quit.

I have every sympathy, but that's how it is.

JudgeNutmeg Sat 16-Aug-08 18:03:29

I was hugely relieved when my dh re-started smoking. Not a PC or healthy view at all I know but my God, what a misery that man was.

I'm sure that he will stop again, just not at a time of huge stress whilst surrounded by other smokers.

FattipuffsandThinnifers Sat 16-Aug-08 18:13:57

Think YABa little U, sorry. I sympathise that you don't like it but it can be very very hard to give up smoking - I've tried many times, and though I did when I was pregnant it was much easier then (possibly the hormones?). Being a parent doesn't always suddenly change everything, and smoking is addictive as well as being a habit - not just a lifestyle choice. Knowing the health implications doesn't make it easier - there probably isn't one person who smokes who doesn't know the effect.

olyoly Sat 16-Aug-08 19:06:51

YANBU. My DH smokes and promised me that he would quit when we started dating. I have never smoked, so I can't understand the addiction, however I trusted that he would TRY. Now we have three children and he still smokes. He has never tried to stop, and I believe he likes the 'time away' from the family.

I don't nag, as it doesn't help. It is his decision alone. However, I refuse to kiss him b/c he smells like an ashtray. It is just impossible to accept that the entire family has to hurry up and wait for him to finish a smoke. Or that he can't help get the children out of the car until he has a smoke.

Did your husband ever agree to stop or do you just want him to?

expatinscotland Sat 16-Aug-08 19:09:38

oly, my FIL smoked when he started showing an interest in MIL.

but MIL had nursed her father whilst he died of emphysema.

she refused to go out with him. at all. until he had been smokefree for at least 3 months.

not try to quit, but quit or no going out.

they've been married 33 years now.

it does annoy me sometimes, DH's smoking.

but at the end of the day, i knew he smoked when i married him.

willweeversell Sat 16-Aug-08 20:26:49

OLY

you have totally hit the nail on the head!!!
My Dp 'admits' that he does 'benefit' from his little ciggie breaks, as he is obviously not able to smoke in the house he pops off to the shed. he often does this when I'm just about to feed ds his dinner, change a nappy or 101 other parental duties. Its not that he doesn't do more than his bit, its not about that its just I do my bit and don't have an automatic 'get out of jail free' do I?

My dp is constantly saying he will stop, its damaging his health, (he went through a stage not so long ago where he convinced himself he had the big C because he was getting back ache behind his lungs) he tried to give up and managed it for 4 days but then contrived a row with me to have an excuse to start up again. Then the cycle of contemplating/moaning about health etc starts up all over again!!

I know giving up is ^extremely difficult^ because I have done it!! But lots of things in life are really reallly difficult and we have to get through them. Its about mustering some fortitude and being willing to go through some shit for the good of your family, as far as I see it.

And I desperately don't want DP to go to an early grave as I love his dearly sad

nooka Sat 16-Aug-08 20:49:17

It's really frustrating isn't it. But some people find it very very hard to give up. My dh has now been smoking for half his life, and I dread to think what damage it has done. He frequently says he will give up, sets deadlines etc, and then lasts a few hours before something comes up and he is back on the fags again. I hate it. We have two children and although dh does not smoke in the house they still get some exposure. Also evidence suggests that children whose parents smoke are much more likely to start themselves, so that worries me. But mostly that he will get ill or die. I think these are legitimate concerns. Then I hate hate hate the smell, the grotty little ash tray, the disappearing and the delays. and the money wasted...

But there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I nagged for years. I brought home supportive literature, telephone numbers for support groups etc but unless and until they really want to give up it won't happen.

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