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Dh & I have asked his parents not to buy house 100yds from our new home

(79 Posts)
nolembit Wed 13-Aug-08 20:59:57

After 5 years of bad luck and heartache (3 Mc's and death of DH's best friend) my DH and I decided to give ourselves and our 2 DD's a fresh start. This meant a new job for DH and a move from Scotland to a new home in a very small idyllic village in Cumbria. I left behind my entire support network thinking that it would be allright as my MIL & FIL were only 30 mins away. We have had an up and down relationship with them - they do not always respect our wishes as parents and have boundary issues but there are a lot of good things about them - they love their grandchidren dearly. They have however withdrawn support and comunication away from myself and my 2 DD's when they were 21m and 3 m for 6 months because they fell out with my husband. It destroyed me and I have been having treatment for anxiety and panic problems ever since. I thought I was going mad. 3 days after we moved into our new home (mortgaged up to the hilt) they told us they'd put in an offer on a house 100yds away from us and had it accepted did we mind? At first we thought what can we say we love them how can we tell them that it is not okay we'll have to muddle through, then we realised our fresh start which they encouraged has been destroyed - it is a tiny village how can we not be upset, it'll be like being back home with the parents. It made my husband physically sick to finally tell them, he told them he loved them and that if it had been a vilage nearby we would have loved it but that it was not what we wanted. They cannot understand our position and intend to go on regardless. Are we being unreasonable? BTW they are downsizing and so money to buy elsewhere is not an issue, they are retired and have no links to the village/reasons for moving apart from us. It is destroying my husband, and I am beginning to wish that we had never moved.

greenandpleasant Wed 13-Aug-08 21:03:35

YANBU imo ... if your ils have boundary issues you do not want them living on your doorstep. If they are capable of withdeawing support and not communicating you do not want them in the same small village, what if that happens again and you have to walk past them in the street, or other people in the village know about it.

But I don't know what you can do - you can't prevent someone from buying a house, and you've asked them not to. But for you to move - that's very costly and stressful too.

Just wanted you to know that I think your thoughts are not unreasonable, I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

RubySlippers Wed 13-Aug-08 21:03:38

it seems very odd that they fell out so spectacularly with you all and then have done this

am not sure what to say as it sounds like a fait accompli as they have had the offer accepted

i would tell them the devastating effect their previous behaviour has had

midnightexpress Wed 13-Aug-08 21:05:29

How miserable for you. YANBU at all, in my opinion. I haven't got much else to add I'm afraid, but it seems a bit too in your face - I'd love to have my mum/MIL nearer (other end of the country at the moment) but not on my doorstep.

blueskythinker Wed 13-Aug-08 21:05:39

Wow, they really do have boundary isues! I am so shocked I don't know what to say. If they intend to go on regardless, they clearly do not respect you.


Slickbird Wed 13-Aug-08 21:06:39

Oh God, what a nightmare. Why are THEY being so unreasonable, especially when you have told them your thoughts? It's also concerning that they can take the huff for six months and not even speak to their grandchildren!!!!angry that's disgusting behaviour. They sound like the children not the parents. I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time. I would try speaking to them again and find out why they chose that house and that village. Is it because of you guys living there to be near you? Even if it is, you have to make it clear that that really isn't what you want for a healthy relationship and that you feel so strongly about it that if they press on, you would actually consider moving again. And also ask them why they would want to cause you so much grief. Surely they cannot think so highly of themselves that they simply cannot imagine why their son and family wouldn't want to live in their pockets??!

NotAnOtter Wed 13-Aug-08 21:09:23


nolembit Wed 13-Aug-08 21:11:27

Dear greenandpleasant thank you for your support, it is true what can we do?

Thank you rubyslippers for your advice but I have told them - I spent hours on the phone this afternoon to my MIL bearing my soul on a platter, stripping away any kind of defense I have put up to protect myself and told her explicitly what it did to me and was told that it had been awful for her too!!!! I had PND, a 3 mo and a 21 mo and no support at all partly because I was too proud to let anyone know how I couldn't cope how can she possibly brush it to one side.

PestoMonster Wed 13-Aug-08 21:12:33

I don't s'pose you could go and explain all this to the agents selling the house, or even the vendors?

You know, like nobble 'em.

nametaken Wed 13-Aug-08 21:14:39

YANBU however, with the kids in school and you and dh at work will they be around much. You certainly don't have to invite them round your house if you don't want to and neither do you have to go round their's. And when they ask why not - you can tell em.

Alternatively, you could pretend to be an anonymous buyer living abroad who rings the estate agent and puts in a much higher bid for the house, only to bail out right at the last minute, before any money changes hands. wink

nolembit Wed 13-Aug-08 21:14:54

midnightexpress/blueskythinker/Slickbird/NotAnOtter thank you for saying IANBU it means a lot.

PestoMonster Wed 13-Aug-08 21:17:32

Yes, yes Nametaken! A brilliant idea. Poor Nolembit, you are definitely not being unreasonable.

LynetteScavo Wed 13-Aug-08 21:18:12


I think the only thing you can do now is to call their bluff, and say you will move house if they go ahead.

greenandpleasant Wed 13-Aug-08 21:18:34

what if you actually put your house on the market - get the for sale sign up and see whether that makes the ils think again? you don't actually have to accept any offers!

Or can you sit down face to face with them and your dh - sometimes a phone conversation is not enough. horrible thought but desperate times desperate measures.

onepieceoflollipop Wed 13-Aug-08 21:18:53

I have difficulties with my ils and I could think of nothing worse, so I do really feel for you.

All I can say is if/when they do move, you will need to set clear boundaries right from the start.

For example make a decision that visits have to be arranged in advance, no dropping round unannounced etc. Also in our case we have caller display on our phone. I never answer the phone to inlaws, but always let my dh know they have rang. If they ring in teh a.m. I ring him at work then it is his decision when he calls them back.

nolembit Wed 13-Aug-08 21:20:20

Dear PestoMonster we would be losing a local family a sale in a very tough housing market - it is a very small village it could make things impossible for us anyway, but thanks for the idea.

Dear Nametaken I don't work my children are 2 and 4 - I promised to stay at home until they were both at school - I cannot avoid them. My 2 DD's will constantly ask to see them how can I refuse them. There offer has been accepted and so I don't think we could hijack the sale - I couldn't do that to them I respect there rights even if they don't respect ours.

JudgeNutmeg Wed 13-Aug-08 21:20:30

You have my complete and utter sympathy. YANBU.

squeaver Wed 13-Aug-08 21:21:18

Oh dear. What a nightmare for you. Can't really offer any advice, but feel for you

expatinscotland Wed 13-Aug-08 21:23:44


Hassled Wed 13-Aug-08 21:25:25

I wish I had a magic solution for you - what an absolute, unmitigated nightmare. My PILs are mostly OK-ish and no serious issues apart from an inability to not say what they're thinking, but if they lived 100 yds away I would have to kill them. In your situation I would be beside myself. A face to face meeting is your only hope.

nolembit Wed 13-Aug-08 21:26:21

onepieceoflollipop thank you we have already discussed boundaries - when we thought we'd better just make the best of it, however thru very biter experience I know it won't be listened to.

greenandpleasant - We don't want to sell we fought long and hard for this house although at one point we discussed emigrating with the equity from our house sale to NZ, we decided against it so that the GP's wouldn't lose out on our 2 DD's - the injustice, we have always been considerate despite any fallings out. How can they do this to us!!!!!!

nolembit Wed 13-Aug-08 21:28:11

I can't do a face to face meeting, I have no one to leave my 2 DD's with - I can't have them there.

onepieceoflollipop Wed 13-Aug-08 21:30:38

nolembit I totally understand the bit about them not listening when you set boundaries.

However at least in our case dh and I can console ourselves that we are communicating clearly and honestly, it is just them that choose not to behave.

What an awful situation for you.

nolembit Wed 13-Aug-08 21:33:45

onepieceoflollipop thank you.

I did wonder about whether to send in a message to the agony uncle/aunt of their daily paper to see what the advice was - knowing they would read it but feel that it is slightly immoral/underhand - any opinions???????

UniversallyChallenged Wed 13-Aug-08 21:33:48

so they haven't spoken for so long and then want to move right near you? How really odd shock

Have they ever cleared the air about the problems you've all had?

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