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to hate xps parents and not want to see them? LONG

(15 Posts)
doggyinthewindow Tue 12-Aug-08 15:24:50

I have changed my name for this post.

I dont know what to do! I really wish that ds dads parents would vanish.

Ds is 7 month old and i have split up with his dad. A huge reason for out constant fights was his mum and dads attitude towards me.

His mum always makes horrible comments towards me, and if i ever answered her back xp would tell me i was out of order. There is too much to list but i am going to have to list a few to justify myself a bit i feel.

When i was pregnant, his mum puffed her face up and said i looed like that, she said 'you get pregnant in your belly not your face' I was a size 14 before ds, i went up to a 16, now i am a 12 after joining a slim club. I am 5ft10 in hight and felt the comment was a bit ott, but she kept making them!

I am a vegatarian, she invited her son and i over for dinner, i have always been V for thre 4 years she has known me, but she made us sausage cassarol and said beggers cant be choosers. I was 8 month preg and had to walk to a take away for my own dinner on a rainy Nov night.

When ds was 2 weeks old my and xp went to the cinima, his parents watched him, when we got back his dad was so drunk he didnt know we had returned and his mum was steaming to. They drank a bottle of whisky between them. Ds was lying on the sofa wide awake and no one was bothering about him.

I have caught her talking to her friends about something really personal in my life - i cant even write what it is here annon.

She threw a fit in the street once because i didnt want to get in her car without a carseat for ds.
She always talks my parents down. She comments on every choice i make for ds.

His dad stormed into my house and started shouting and threatning my mum, standing right up in her face as if he was wanting a fight.

They say i am cruel and all the rest because i dont like ds staying over night at their home. I dont because they try and make me sleep in a different room from him so that they have hom. but i cant trust them i feel.

Also their hot water boiler broke down last summer, it hasn't been fixed yet. So there is no heating in the house and if you need water its gotto come from the kettle, so he cant even get a bath. And i dont know how they do it.

But the final straw came 2 weeks ago when i got called down because i havent bought them a bed for ds. I did buy them a carseat, stroller, high chair, walker and toys for their home. But when she last asked if ds could stay i said no because he has no bed there, and they started being really horrible because i wont buy them one, i cant afford to anyway, but prob wouldnt if i could. If i stay there i need to sleep on the floor and take a travel cot along with me.

I always give them the option to come here instead and they usually agree but dont show up and dont let me know why untill i contact them.

ANYWAY i have went on and on, but its not even half of my issues. Am i being unreasonable here, just wanting them to bugger off and leave us?

slightlycrumpled Tue 12-Aug-08 15:37:45

doggy - I rarely reply on the AIBU threads but had to respond to yours.

In my opinion you need to stop your son going there at all. If you allow him to go there regularly it becomes more difficult to change a situation as you have set a precedant.

If you wish for your child to continue to have contact with his grandparents then really it should be under supervision of either you or a trusted family member. If they are genuinely interested and loving with your ds then they will agree to this. After a while if you think the behaviour is changing for the better then this can be reviewed.

Where is your xp, does he see your ds regularly.

YANBU to want them to leave you both alone but the reality of this happening probably will be very tough.

BouncingTurtle Tue 12-Aug-08 15:39:55

They sound horrendous, personally the occasion where they were both drunk whilst looking after your ds would be a deal breaker to me.
YANBU. They obviously don't give a shit about you or the welfare of their grandchild.

CarGirl Tue 12-Aug-08 15:43:47

tell them to see your ds when his Dad has him, it's up to him to maintain the relationship.

I wouldn't normally say that but in the case the less time they spend with your ds the better.

doggyinthewindow Tue 12-Aug-08 15:47:27

Xp does his fair share. Although he used to have ds stay with him on thursday and i found out he was going out to clubs and getting drunk while ds stayed with his parents and slept on the sofa because theres no bed. Ds has fallen off the sofa before. he sits, rolls, crawls and stands, he moves fast, climbs furnature. I dont think it is safe for him to sleep on the sofa and i dont like the thought of him rolling off. I was raging about this too! And i found out that he also slept in their bed, while they were naked. They argue it is natural and there was nothing wrong with it, i am just making a big deal because i dont want them to see him.

slightlycrumpled Tue 12-Aug-08 16:01:06

Maybe just allow the daytime contact with your xp and let him arrange the access with his parents.

Do not let your baby stay overnight if he has to sleep on the sofa. I would also be angry

It really is a very difficult situation but if a childminder or nursery were taking such risks with a baby you wouldn't allow your child to go. Therefore you are not being unreasonable at all to put your foot down on this one.

doggyinthewindow Tue 12-Aug-08 16:05:25

Daytime contact is a good idea, because they are quite different without a drink in them, before the tea time soaps!

nametaken Tue 12-Aug-08 16:14:22

Doggy, in my opinion you've been given some very sensible advice from other mumsnetters here.

I just want to add I do think it's a real shame that this was the main reason you split from your partner, because of his horrid parents.

There's no law that says that women have to ensure that children spend time with their partners parents but it you do want to build a grandchild/grandparent relationship then do it in YOUR house, where you're in charge.

TwoWindyDays Tue 12-Aug-08 17:16:35

I would not let my baby near them. Ever. If either of them came to my home and threatened someone I would call the police, if they did it again I would take out a restraining order.

Elasticwoman Tue 12-Aug-08 21:08:25

You have every right to withdraw their access to ds. They are a danger to him.

My parents and in laws are sensible people and loving grandparents - but they have never had our dc overnight without me. Oh, except once, when aged 1 and 3 and sil was there too, at our house. As babies, dc were bf so I needed to be with them; after that, the gp were too old.

My point is, it is not every grandparent's right to have their gc overnight. And letting the baby sleep on the sofa is dreadful. Unsafe; I wouldn't tolerate it.

mamhaf Tue 12-Aug-08 22:57:41

Withdraw access. End of. Yanbu.

And good luck for the rest of your deserve it(hugs)

KatieDD Tue 12-Aug-08 23:20:37

I completely agree with the others, do they co sleep with him after drinking ? I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them. Your ex has the right to see his son but not overnight if he doesn't have a bed for him and is not prepared to stay in and look after him.
Some people begger belief, thank goodness the little boy has you.

Heated Tue 12-Aug-08 23:22:02

They hardly sound reliable, nor have they gone out of their way to convince you what caring gps they make - in fact entirely the opposite - and then they try and make you look like the unreasonable one! Certainly don't buy any more things for your ds to keep at their home as that'll encourage the expectation that he'll stay there.

Whilst on holiday together this summer FIL thought it would be perfectly acceptable to all get in one car and have the dcs on our laps rather than in car-seats. My response was a firm but simple "No" - FIL didn't mention it again but I know he told MIL in astonishment, "I think I've just been told off by Heated!"

Be firm, you decide if and when they see him & agree it should be supervised access, since it sounds like only you are really looking out for your pfb.

edam Tue 12-Aug-08 23:26:27

They sound like horrible, aggressive people. Why on earth should your ds be exposed to them?

Grandparents have no general legal right to access anyway, so just call a halt to all this. You can't stop XP taking ds there during his access time but I would be very, very firm about ds NOT staying overnight. Because they get drunk and make him sleep on the sofa (could be a real risk there if they are on the sofa too).

They appear to think they have 'rights' and no-one else matters - certainly not ds, or they'd have gone out and bought him a cot. Stand up to them.

gastronaught Tue 12-Aug-08 23:36:00

DONT BOTHER WITH THEM, oops sorry caps, seriously, they sound crap, and your ds deserves better.

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