To say, 'no, fuck off, you're not visiting anymore?'

[VictorianSqualor]

ARGH.
XP has nothing to do with his DC's. Hasn't done for ages, around once or twice a year his sister or mother makes him spend time with them by asking me if they can have them and telling him he has to be there. He spends about half an hour with them then fucks off down the pub. I don't care anymore.

His mother calls me probably once every three months, says she misses the children and can she come over and see them (we live about 30 miles away). I say yes, she says she'll be coming on X day. Day before she is meant to come I always get a phonecall saying she won't be able to make it but will come on Y day and call the day before to confirm. She never calls to confirm and I need up texting her late the night before she is meant to come when she rearranges yet again so I end up planning about two weeks worth of things for when she says she is coming only for ehr not to turn up.

She was meant to be here last thursday. Told me wednesday night she couldn't make it, and that she would come today, but call yesterday to confirm. No phone call. I decided I wasn't running aroudn after her for a change and didn't text her, so now that's two days I've had to make sure I didn't plan anything for only for her not to turn up.

I'll get some excuse about how she had to this for someone and that for someone else, and she'll claim she called but I didn't answer (she always says that she calls me and I don't answer, I'm with Vodafone, I get texts if I miss calls) and try rearranging it all over again.

I've had enough, really had enough, I can't be bothered to keep bending over for her only for her not to turn up. DP says I should tell her that if she doesn't say a day and stick to it she isn't coming at all. Should I?

[JumpingDizzy]

Blimey no wonder you're pissed off, how frutrating. YANBU tell them to fuck off.

[JumpingDizzy]

meant frustrating.

[farrowandball]

yes.

[escape]

thse people don't dserve your children in their lives
either completely ignore them (eg. she calls says she's comuing, doesn't turn up etcc) Just don't wait in - or tell her , listen if you don't confirm then we won't be here.
OR
call her one last time - give her a round of F**ks and tell her what a crap family she has, and NO, they can't see DC's ever again

[farrowandball]

as in - do tell them to fuck off. i dont think you are out of order. just to clarify.

[eemie]

Do your children want to see her?

[VictorianSqualor]

They aren't really bothered TBH eemie, when she actually turns up they like the attention but when they don't see her they don't give two hoots.
She's very clever at bringing crap presents to win their favour when she comes.

[Love2bake]

YANBU

She is.

[blinks]

has she got a social phobia?

[VictorianSqualor]

I don't drive dittany. DP does but on his little time off work he doesn't particularly want to drive 60 miles there and back to drop them off and then 60 miles to pick them up.

We used to do all the trips when we first moved, but we got fed up with it not being appreciated, the kids would be passed from pillar to post, smoked around, sat in pubs with everyone pissed up and saw some pretty serious arguments with drunken uncles, I then said they were not allowed to eb with their Father unsupervised as he has a cocaine habit and was always taking them to the pub saturday nights and I was lied to, told that they were going to stay with their nan, who then said they were staying at their Aunts as she was off out, but it turned out it was all lies and they were left at their Aunt's, with their father and told to lie about their Aunt&Uncle staying out over night. So I refuse to do the journeys anymore.

[VictorianSqualor]

A social phobia? No, not at all, she just always finds other things more important to do, like looking after her other grandchildren or going out on the lash.

[captainmummy]

Grandparents have no 'rights' to see their grandchildren (wrong, in my view, but there you are) so you are within your rights to say no you cannot see my dc. Full stop. If the dc don't get anything out of it, and it sounds like they would be better off not in contact with them, then say no.
Or make the usual arangements, but tell MIL that it is a last chance, and that it is upsetting to the dc.

[VictorianSqualor]

I think I will say that captain, she spoke to them on the phone last tuesday, told them she was coming thursday then thursday morning I had to tell them she wasn't coming, but would probably be coming tuesday and have had to tell them again that she hasn't called

[Sparkletastic]

I'd say enough is enough - bad for DCs and bad for you. She hasn't behaved with any consideration and doesn't deserve yours any longer.

[scottishmum007]

they have been given plenty opportunities, well, your XP mum has anyway. what a waste of time, just move on and forget about them. get on with your own life.
life's too short to be organising your life to suit other people, esp those that continually let you down.

[Slickbird]

Tell her to F*ck off. Waste of space. Well seeing where the son gets it from then.....

[chipmonkey]

No VS, YANBU.
She sounds like an inconsiderate cow!

[VictorianSqualor]

Lol slickbird, exactly.

I've just always been a bit of a pushover when it comes to her seeing them, saying to anyone who listens that I feel sorry for her having such a shit as a son and that I don't want to upset her, but it really isn't my fault is it? It's her own.

[MommyHasaHeadache]

VS if she can't be bothereed to stick to a plan for you, then why should you be bothered for her? And as for feeling sorry for her, well you said - it is her own fault!

[VictorianSqualor]

I know, am resolved to tell her when/if she calls, just hope I don't chicken out!

[stitch]

why dont you try telling her that day x is inconvenient. and so is day y. but agree on day z. however, three days before, call her up, and tell her it is inconvenient. BUT keep it free, so if she does decide to turn up, you are there.
if you make it too easy for her to come, she doesnt appreciate it. she will either then make the effort, or sod of f like her ds

[nervousal]

I wouldn't start playing games like that with her stitch - gives her an excuse - e.g. but YOU make arrangements and don't stick to them either. I'd just tell her that changing arrangements all the time is upsetting the kids and that if she doesn't come as arranged next time you will reconsider access.

[SalLikesCoffee]

You are definitely NBU! When she calls again, tell her that it's inconvenient for you and upsetting to dc that she keeps changing her plans. If you're feeling particularly generous (which, after you've done so much up to now, you don't need to at all!), you can say you'll give her one final chance, but if she can't make it on that specific day, you'd appreciate it if she'd leave you in peace.