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to be pissed off with dh's attitude towards days off work to look after his daughter during the school holidays? Actually I know I am NBU but I need to offload.

(31 Posts)
TigerFeet Tue 12-Aug-08 12:57:52

I am going on an overnight trip with work during October half term. I asked dh if he could take two days off work to cover the trip - the rest of the week will be covered by me taking holiday and by my not working Weds or Fri anyway. His attitude was very much "well I suppose I'll have to"

Why should it be such a chore?

I have taken two weeks off to cover dd only being at school for half days to begin with (she is starting reception) - because he is too busy to do ANY of it.

However if he fancies a day off to do something that he wants to do then it's fine hmm. To be fair he doesn't take a day or two off and then piss off to the pub, when he's off it's to finish jobs around the house but sometimes I would love to take a day off work and go to Ikea to buy some shelves on a whim (he did this last week), but I can't, because ALL my leave is taken up by dd's needs.

This year we have had a week away together as a family but other than that ALL my annual leave has been taken up by ferrying dd to hospital appointments, school visits, and then the two weeks of her starting school. I didn't have enough left to cover the whole of half term anyway.

I work part time now, three days a week, so admittedly I will get time to myself during my two days off while dd is at school. However, the plan was for me to do the lion's share of the housework during this time which will free up the weekends for us to spend time together as a family either at home or visiting friends or relatives.

I am annoyed that he is so obviously put out by having to look after his own daughter during the school holidays. Is this what it's going to be like? If he thinks that dd's holidays are going to be covered by my annual leave, family stepping in or holiday clubs so that he can do what the fuck he likes with his annual leave, he is very much mistaken.

He seems to think that I should be flexible all the time whereas he doesn't. He's the first to rattle on about how employers should be sympathetic to working parents but somehow that doesn't apply to his employers hmm.

In all honesty this is just a symptom of bigger problems surrounding his thoroughly selfish attitude. But this is what has pissed me off today.

I am not BU am I? Should I accept that because I work 3 days a week I have given myself over to being dd's main carer ALL THE TIME?

HaventSleptForAYear Tue 12-Aug-08 12:59:23


This happens to me even though we both work full-time.. sigh...

LIZS Tue 12-Aug-08 13:00:49

yanbu but think it is fairly common.

BouncingTurtle Tue 12-Aug-08 13:00:54

I only bothered reading the first paragraph.

YANBU - she's his daughter and therefore his responsibility too! He should expect to use some of his annual leave to cover for your dd's sickness and etc. and not expect you to use all of yours up!

olympicsnotfederer Tue 12-Aug-08 13:00:55

Nothing to add.

You have summed it up very succintly.

Kick him up the booty and tell him he is being an arse.

sarah293 Tue 12-Aug-08 13:01:51

Message withdrawn

TigerFeet Tue 12-Aug-08 13:02:39

yup, it happened when I was FT too [amngry]

He's away with work quite a lot and I just get on with it. I have never once been stroppy about it. Obviously if he is away during the holidays I will just get on with it again.

He knows he has to get his holidays in otherwise he loses them - but he is always too busy to take them. Unless he can think of a good enough reason, that is hmm

TigerFeet Tue 12-Aug-08 13:08:56

Hurrah you all agree

I will admit to having a teency weency smidge of PMT so I am never sure at such times whether or not I am overreacting


Jackstini Tue 12-Aug-08 13:11:30

YANBU TF - and further to your other post I would be really pissed off if he actually ever lost holidays for lack of putting them in in time when he could have spent them with your dd!

OsmosisBanana Tue 12-Aug-08 15:03:03

Ah, I know it well.

Works the same with childcare arranging too - why am I the only one who thinks to organise any? Or lifts? Or school runs?

Feel yer pain there.

scottishmum007 Tue 12-Aug-08 15:13:20

YANBU but again, this is typical male behaviour, it's seen as a chore to many dads out there.
I'm sorry but I can't say I;m surprised by his attitude.

gingernutlover Tue 12-Aug-08 15:14:09

you have my sympathies, i am a teacher and dd is at day nursery. I dont get to choose my annual leave because thats the way a teachers contract works. I dont get paid if i am off to look after sick dd (normal I know but still have to stump up to £50 a day nursery fee) so how come it is only ever me who has to ring in when dd is too ill to go to nursery - dh would have a fit if i suggested he use some of his annual leave for this (he runs a building company and can really have time off whenever it suits - suits him, not us obviously!)

i think this is somthing that is quiet common, and i have had a discussion recently with him where he has agreed that he will do the nursery pick up on days when i have a staff meeting so i have time to finish properly at school. To be honest I think this is too little, I think he should be willing to be responsible for either the pick up or drop off and that we should take it in turns to take time off when dd is ill - I am working on it grin especially as his pay doesnt get docked for having the day off with dd cos its his company, I get pay docked and also get treated like crap by senior managment for not being commiuteed enough

you need to talk to your dh about this and explain that he needs to take as much responsibility as you do re childcare in the holidays.

TigerFeet Tue 12-Aug-08 15:26:05

He does always end up taking his holidays - but instead of sorting his workload so that he can take them when dd needs him, he is far too busy and then is taking odd days for bollocks reasons towards the end of the holiday year.

I have had to constantly juggle work with pickups which is only going to get worse once she starts school. I have cut my hours significantly. I have no chance of career progression now. TBH none of this bothers me, I'm pleased that I'm in a position to be able to do so, however it would be nice if occasionally he could work round me for a change without being awkward and making me feel like crap.

stealthsquiggle Tue 12-Aug-08 15:35:18

TigerFeet it gets much worse once they are at achool - I have done the same as you. To be fair, two (school) years in DH has improved and postively welcomed taking time off over Easter to have "Daddy and DS" time.

However, DH's latest tactic (just to forewarn you) is that on Sunday night when I ask him where he is going to be the following week he said 'meetings every day. I will be leaving early and back late sad[poor me]'

So I go ahead and juggle meetings and other committments to make sure I can do all the holiday club/nursery runs on my working days (I work 4 days/week)

Yesterday, and again today, his 'meetings' miraculously vanish and he is working at home shock

bozza Tue 12-Aug-08 15:41:58

Of course, YANBU. DH does seem reluctant but he is actually looking after DS and DD today while I am at work. He has slightly messed up by being away overnight on the most inconvenient day of the entire school holidays and only mentioning it to me in passing but that is another story. We do have issues about emergency time off though.

Have you tried staying calm and asking what he thinks should happen to DD at October half term? Given that you have run out of leave.

TigerFeet Tue 12-Aug-08 15:42:13

I've only just cut my hours as I realised that it would be impossible to carry on working as I was once she was at school.

I will be able to drop her off every day and three days a week she will go to a CM after school and I will collect her at 5.30 once I've finished work. The other two days I'll do the shopping and housework whilst she's at school and collect her myself.

I'm not sure how it will work out tbh - she will be knackered when I collect her on my working days, I will have to sort tea out once we get home and then sort out any reading or homework she will inevitably start getting after a while. Hopefully we'll find some sort of routine.

All dh can see is the change in income and he admitted at the weekend that he resents the fact I won't be working as much angry

<<rants some more>>

TigerFeet Tue 12-Aug-08 15:44:56

bozza - I asked him ages ago to let me know if he would be free at half term as if he wasn't I would need to sort out alternative arrangements soon. Thankfully her current nursery does holiday care for under-8's so we wouldn't be right up shit creek but I really think he needs to take some responsibility which is why I asked him to book leave before I agreed to the business trip.

Countingthegreyhairs Tue 12-Aug-08 15:49:29

show him this thread TigerFeet grin

TigerFeet Tue 12-Aug-08 15:52:47

Show him this thread? <snort>

He would go apeshit if he knew I was moaning about him on here!

Countingthegreyhairs Tue 12-Aug-08 15:59:24

Well tell him you have outlined your situation (without going in to detail)to 11 impartial work colleagues grin and without exception they thought the dh in question should be helping out more during the holidays ....

bristling on your behalf here ....

bozza Tue 12-Aug-08 16:07:25

Sorting out tea should be OK if you are organised. I have done a similar routine (apart from starting work at 8 and DH doing the drop off at the CMs) since DS started school 3 years ago. I try and cook double or triple quantities of things like bolognese sauce or casserole or whatever on days I am not working so then I just need to throw on some pasta and heat up the sauce and there we are.

I would hope that she wouldn't have too much homework in reception. hmm And given that she will be tired and you don't have an early morning start like we do (DC at CMs at 8am), I would consider doing the reading after breakfast if and when you get some.

stealthsquiggle Tue 12-Aug-08 16:14:04

The school-CM-homework-bed thing - I worried no end about this when DS started school, but have found that picking him up from after school care at 5:40 (especially if we picked DD up from nursery after that) I just have to keep a ruthless focus on home-supper-(with us doing 'reading' while it cooked)-bath-story-bed with no distractions. DS tolerates this only because we can be a bit more relaxed on Fridays, and on days when I am not working (or we could, until he started having after-school golf lessons on my day off, but that is another story)

TigerFeet Tue 12-Aug-08 16:14:09

I do the batch cooking thing anyway so that's sorted. It just rankles that I have to think about these things all the time whereas dh just breezes in and out according to whatever suits him and his farking employers.

Good idea about doing reading at breakfast time, I will definitely give that a try, thanks . I'm a bit blush that I didn't think of that myself!

stealthsquiggle Tue 12-Aug-08 16:15:20

..and I share your rankle 100%

TheGirlWithGreenEyes Tue 12-Aug-08 16:21:02

TF - yanbu - see the other thread in the Parenting section called the Motherhood Delusion!

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