I think I am, but i'm really annoyed by dh this morning

[wonderstuff]

He didn't get up till 10, then took him till 12 to have fag, bath, dress and breakfast, then when i finally got in the shower he put the washing machine on so i spent ages fiddleing with the taps as it went hot and cold, he put the tumble dryer on even though its sunny (cos we're just made of money) I'm also annoyed that he smokes and that he put extra salt on his beans and cheese on toast, his arteries must be so yucky, hes hurt his back again, he is always putting it out but refuses to do exercise to protect it. Mainly I'm quite hungry and everything pisses me off when im hungry, not sure how much of this is justified!

[moondog]

Hedoesn't sound like a perticulalry attractive man,no.

[wonderstuff]

Apart from the above hes fab, but soo irritating me today

[Lauriefairycake]

he's not irritating you (poor fucker's just living his sunday), you are irritated.

Do something you like and ignore til you feel better

[wonderstuff]

I want to get the house straight, but difficult with dd (9mo crawling) to entertain

[wonderstuff]

Shes asleep now, finally, I'm just so fucking tired all the time and it pisses me off that he can still have a lazy sunday morning and my days seem to be the same every bloody day! He has just cleaned the kitchen and put the washing out but I wanted to do those things, I'm so sick of babycare, he's had her for less than an hour this morning while I had a shower and breakfast

[milknosugar]

make sure you take it in turns to get a lie in and tell himyou want him to look after dd. if he wont disappear the second you are up and dont come back for the rest of the day. far more effective than just asking. i think until they have done it they dont realise how much work is involved.

[objectivity]

Sounds like you don't like the man he is:

Unfit, careless frittering smoker.

Can you cope with unfit, careless frittering smoker for the sake of all the good stuff?

If not,he will irritate you for ever more since YOU won't change him.

[iliketosleep]

my dp woke at 7 to go to boot sale got back and went to sleep on sofa (just woke up).

Wouldn't know how to work the washing machine, wouldn't dream of hanging washing out etc and is going to sit for the rest of the afternoon watching the eastenders omnibus while I do housework look after 3 dc 4,6 and 8 cook sunday dinner and am 39 weeks pregnant so really, it could be worse couldn't it!!

For the first time ever I am going to say YABU but thats only cause i can

[iliketosleep]

I'm so jealous of people whos dps help out around the house, mine doesn't do a thing

[HumphreyPillow]

he won't if you do it all for him, iliketosleep.
don't put up with his laziness.
you're supposed to be in a partnership.

[solo]

At least you have a Dp around the house.

[moondog]

Better no DP than a useless one surely??

[solo]

Easy to say either really if you are p'd off with your own situation.

[oranges]

why do you let these men get away with this?

[princessglitter]

Sounds like my dh. He does have his good points though.

[Judy1234]

Why do you let men be like this? It's the woman's fault. Just don't enable the behaviour. Talk to him about it and ensure a fair division of things at home. Why not say he does the child care on Saturdays and you do Sundays for example (and then you have to stick to it, go out, ignore the child entirely if you're in the house, don't make up for his deficiencies, never ever give in).

Also how can anyone marry a smoker? How can you even kiss someone who smells of that awful smoke?

[iliketosleep]

I do go on and on and on and it all changes for a week or so but then drifts back to me doing it all again, but TBH when he does it he does such a half arsed job I would rather he just doesn't bother.

As Solo says its easy to moan about your own situation and theres always someone worse off than yourself

[princessglitter]

I wouldn't ever marry a smoker now, but when I met dh I smoked, too. Just don't think smoking is grounds for divorce.

[blueshoes]

wonder, can you wake him up at a more reasonable time? I know I would. A lie-in is taking the piss when your dd is so little, unless you have agreed to take turns.

[HonoriaGlossop]

don't agree that it's your fault, but do agree that you need to stop enabling his behaviour. He only gets to have a lazy sunday a) because he's taking the piss and b) because you allow it.

If he lies in on Sundays, you get a lie in on Saturday, surely?! Or if he's had the morning 'off' then you get the afternoon to go out and do something you want to do?

[princessglitter]

dh had to get up this morning at 6.15 because he wanted to watch football in the pub at 2.30pm, so I got a lie in. Compromise works well for us.

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

Well, next week you need to do exactly the same. He will never see the faults in his behavior until he has been on the receiving end of it.

I don 't think anyone is "lucky" not to be living in the 1930's to be honest, domestic slavery is no longer an acceptable way to run a marriage, and if my ex hadn't pulled his weight in the house I'd have left him. And yes, I really do think it is work splitting up over, no marriage is worth the misery and resentment of living as unpaid household staff.

[Judy1234]

You need to ensure the week of improvement does not then fade off by doing something radical like going out for the whole of Saturday when he has the child (unless you're breastfeeding) and do that every single week so he builds up experience of the sole child care.
You also have to accept he may not be as good as yo ubut will improve over time and never criticise and try never to nag either. And praise, all the time and accept he may be better than you and that it's great the child has another adult in her life who does things in a different way from you.

But then you need to ensure he does child caer and domestic jobs too so make sure it's a fair split.

if you both smoked when you married then you'll just have to live with it as that was the basis you married on I suppose.

[wonderstuff]

I have never smoked, but he smoked when I met him, he has a lot of back pain and uses weed to help, I did remark today that he wouldn't be so worried about the back pain when he has lung cancer, it annoys me because it does affect our physical relationship, I can't bear to cuddle him when he smells of smoke, but I find the pain issue difficult to counter, I don't know what it feels like to be in constant pain. He was going to give up when he hit 30 and then when I was pg and then when the baby was born, but the bottom line is he likes smoking and won't give up until he wants to, it scares me, lung cancer is horrific, but obviously he thinks he is invinsible and I just need to deal with it.
He does know what its like to have her all day, he did childcare for a few days while I was working last term, and he was better for a few weeks taking turns at the weekend, but he just took the easy option today and I let him I guess. He is now giving dd her tea, so I have 10mins off! His back has got worse though and so it will be all me later. I would be more sympathetic but a couple of years ago he was swimming regularly and during that time his back gave him no trouble, he needs to exercise but is too lazy.

Anyway, nice to know I'm not being totally unreasonable, so grates when I hear him snore while I care for baby and he wakes up then tells me hes sooo tired. He can be fab and we do (believe it or not) have a great relationship just still adjusting to life after baby I guess. I think we need a childcare rota for the weekend

[wonderstuff]

Btw when I say put the washing on, I loaded the machine, selected the programme, put the powder in, he pressed start!