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...to expect DH to come home from holiday when he said he would?

(52 Posts)
Naetha Sat 09-Aug-08 12:54:29

DH is on a motorbiking holiday in Scotland with some friends. When he first told me about it, he said he'd be going away on Tuesday and coming back on Friday. I was OK with this - I decided to make a bit of a holiday of my own and take 7mo DS to visit my grandmother.

Anyway, on the Monday before he goes, he tells me that he doubts very much he'll be home on Friday, and that it will probably be Saturday middayish. OK, I'm not impressed, but fair enough. I'm not that much of a bitch. I made it clear that I wanted all of us to go to our local agricultural show (that's a big deal in our town) on the Saturday afternoon at about 3.

I spoke to him last night - he confirmed that they were just south of Glasgow, would be leaving early in the morning, and coming straight home down the motorway, and everythign was going to plan. I then got a call from him at 12:00 today expecting him to tell me that he was at Penrith (only an hour and a bit from home) only for him to tell me that they had all stopped for lunch at Prestwick (which is even further away than where he stayed last night) and he hopes to be home by the time it gets dark tonight.

I am absolutely fuming - not only because it's been a damn tough week by myself (DS is teething and completely off his food), but to not even have the decency to want to come back and see his son before he goes to bed tonight. It's making me cry, because I feel that DH doesn't love DS as much as he should, and I'm so disappointed he is letting him down.

I was pretty hard on DH when I spoke to him on the phone - I was angry - I wanted to know why they were in Prestwick, why everthing was taking so long, why he wasn't bothered about coming back in time for the show, why he wasn't bothered about seeing DS. In short he hung up, and switched his phone off, so I have no idea what's going on now.

Despite all of this, I'm really looking forwards to DH coming home because I've really missed him, but I know I'm just going to flare up at him and be angry, which will just drive him away. I'll want to know answers to all the questions above, and he'll just say "I couldn't let the guys down by leaving early". AIBU to expect him to bother keeping his promises to me and DS and not let us down?

Any tips on diffusing the arguments when he comes home tonight? I really don't want to spoil it, but I am so angry and upset.

posieflump Sat 09-Aug-08 12:58:20

I don't think it sounds too bad tbh
Will the show still be on tomorrow?
You will have all day tomorrow together with ds
Tuesday - Saturday isn't even a week.
He probably feels a bit nagged at in front of his mates which is why he hung up.
Try to rise above it and have a nice reunion when he eventually shows up wink

lilymolly Sat 09-Aug-08 12:59:54

Uh Oh.....

sounds like exactly the thing dp would do and has done to me angry

Makes you mad doesnt it?

If it where me......

I WOULD flare up, I just could not help myself, and let him know exactly what I thought of him.

I would then look for any opportunity to have some time away from them and let him experience how hard it is.

Never really came for me until recently when I am so ill I am unalble to care for our dd and him, and he is learning FAST how hard it is.

Men are wanderers and DONT think how you will be feeling.

He wont have done it on purpose, not he wont have given it any thought iyswim?

I would be raging!!!!!!

BEAUTlFUL Sat 09-Aug-08 13:01:30

Oh, you poor thing! I think you should get out -- could you go to the show with DS? A bit of air would help diffuse your anger.

If you are v pissed off, why not stay somewhere else tonight so at least you don't feel like you're sitting at home, ever faithful and dutiful, for when he deigns to appear?

I don't think it's that bad, but it's the type of thing that would enrage me if it happened to me personally!

I'm sure he adores DS and you. He's just got a bit blokey.

Naetha Sat 09-Aug-08 13:02:11

No the show is only today - just an annual thing. We've always gone every year.

I suppose it doesn't sound too bad, but DS is screaming - he won't eat, he won't sleep, I've had about 5 hours sleep a night for the last 4 nights, in fact, make that the last 10 nights, and I'm sat here in tears because I can't cope.

Maybe that gives it a bit of perspective.

lilymolly Sat 09-Aug-08 13:04:34

Oh I DO think its that bad.
Its totally selfish behaviour on behalf of your dh.

I wonder how he owould feel if YOU went away for 5 days with your mates and left him?

tootyflooty Sat 09-Aug-08 13:07:57

From experience , the longer you have time to seeth about it the more you will be spoiling for a fight when he comes in.My Dh did something similar about 10 yrs ago,and very occasionally I still bring it up.Its one of those things that even if he is really sorry, its done and he can't put it right, you just have to try and put it in perspective. He did let you know he was going to be late, he didn't just not turn up.Just tell him you really missed him and were really looking forward to having the day together especially as you had made plans for all of you.I know its hard but try and play the hurt card rather than the angry one.You could send him a soppy text saying you are sorry and its just you were so disappointed as you had looked forward to your family time all week.If he reads it before he gets in,he may also have calmed down.

Good luck

Naetha Sat 09-Aug-08 13:08:02

Thank you for the other replies - I could go to the show just me and DS, but it's absolutely pissing with rain, and I can't be bothered walking the mile there and back and pushing the pushchair around in the mud all by myself.

I'd love to go somewhere else, but I have no family nearby and the only mum friend I'm close enough to ask to stay is away in London.

Sorry I don't mean to make a meal of it, I'm just wallowing in self pity and self-righteous anger.

lilymolly Sat 09-Aug-08 13:15:59

Just looked at your profile page (I am nosey)

See you used to ride motorbikes too.....could you be a little/smigen jealous?

I think you have every right to wallow btw, but maybe this will not make you feel better!

Overmydeadbody Sat 09-Aug-08 13:16:03

Sounds like you are at the end of your tether because of the bad week you've had, but it realy isn't fair to take this out on your DH.

You feel disappointed and let down, but it is not your DH that has caused these feelings, it is your expectations and assumptions that have let you down.

It is not fair on others to assume they will behave in a way we deem acceptable, if we do this we will always feel let down as they don't necessarily share our assumptions and expectations.

You go to the show every year, so it's hardly a big deal to miss it this year for what sounds like a fabulous holiday your DH is having.

Don't take your stresses from a hard week out on your DH, it's not his fault. Instead, once he's back have a break yourself while he takes over the childcare etc.

Overmydeadbody Sat 09-Aug-08 13:18:52

and for goodness sake don't play the hurt card, that's just emotional manipulation.

You live with the guy, still have years ahead of you to do 'family stuff' together, one day ion the grand scheme of things is really not worth having an argument over is it?

pgwithnumber3 Sat 09-Aug-08 13:22:36

Men just don't think do they? I would be pissed off too, some people are far more laid back with their other half but I would expect a bit more consideration.

Do what I do, store it in your brain for when you want to do something yourself and just sit there all sweet and innocent tonight. That will make him more worried as he will be expecting a full scale war. Then hand him DS tomorrow, give him a packed lunch and retire to bed with the Sunday papers for the afternoon.

Overmydeadbody Sat 09-Aug-08 13:23:58

sorry but I do not see how he is being inconsiderate?

booge Sat 09-Aug-08 13:28:26

I would be furious, it can be hard being on your own with a baby and with the additional 9 months of pregnancy I bet you haven't had much time for fun recently so it's hard to take when your DH goes off leaving you with the baby and even harder when they don't come back when they say.

Having said all that your DS won't be a baby for long and you will both be able to get out and about more and this will seem insignificant, so try not to blow it out of proportion. Just tell him he owes you one and plan something nice to do for yourself. You really don't want to be at an agriculture show in this weather .

lilymolly Sat 09-Aug-08 13:31:03

overmydeadbody are you for real?

Agree its not the end of the world, but FFS he was being inconsiderate.

You must be saint wink

Naetha Sat 09-Aug-08 13:32:12

SOrry, forgive me for being picky here, but how is it not my DH who's made me feel disappointed and let down when it's him that's not returning when he said he would? Am I a fool for expecting and assuming that he won't massively deviate from what he told me only last night?

Lilymolly - in a way I am jealous, but only because I know I can't have anything like that. I don't have any friends that ride motorbikes (I only passed my test soon after finding out I was pregnant), I've drifted away from most of my pre-baby friends, and my mum friends are in the same situation as me - the most we can manage is a night out once every three months. I suppose what I'm jealous of is what I've had to sacrifice, but he hasn't had to.

I know the hard week I've had with DS isn't my DH's fault, but the hard time I'm having right now is - DS adores DH, and hardly ever behaves how he is right now when DH is here.

And I know DH is going to arrive home absolutely knackered, expecting me to look after him, have sex with him, give him a lie in tomorrow, let him play on the computer for 4 hours etc because he has to go back to work on Monday. He still thinks I'm on permanent holiday.

Sorry probably not the right emotional state to be talking about this stuff. Thanks to those of you who have been supportive. I know there's a bit of me that is being unreasonable - I just wish DH could show that he gives a shit sometimes.

Naetha Sat 09-Aug-08 13:33:55

AND I've got toothache

/wallow

VictorianSqualor Sat 09-Aug-08 13:35:35

I'd be annoyed that he had made arrangements with me, i.e the show, and not kept to them but I can see where he is coming from.
If you were on holiday with your friends and everyone was going somewhere else, then getting home a few hours later than they had originally planned I'm assuming you too would have done it?
It's a couple of hours, not really a big deal IMO.
I certainly wouldn't row over it, in fact, I'd probably get some food/drink in and get DS in bed before he got home so we could have a nice evening together when eh got back, then say to him during the meal that I was disappointed when he didn't come home at the time he said as you really wanted to spend the day with him and DS at the show.
There is no need to argue.

VictorianSqualor Sat 09-Aug-08 13:37:01

After your last post I don't think it is anything to do with him being a little later than expected either.

Especially after this line "And I know DH is going to arrive home absolutely knackered, expecting me to look after him, have sex with him, give him a lie in tomorrow, let him play on the computer for 4 hours etc because he has to go back to work on Monday. He still thinks I'm on permanent holiday."

There is more resentment there than just a few hours on a saturday afternoon.

Kewcumber Sat 09-Aug-08 13:39:03

I'd be furious too, I wouldn't go mad but would say to him that you've had a tough week and it would have been nice of him to be home when he said he was to give you a break and that you're sorry he felt it was not OK to let his mates down but OK to let him family down.

Tell him he's in sole chrage next weekend and go and do something for yourself.

posieflump Sat 09-Aug-08 13:40:33

oh yes that last post doesn't paint him in a good loght at all sad
I book a girlie weekend/week in asap and bugger off and let him see how much of a 'holiday' it really is

VictorianSqualor Sat 09-Aug-08 13:41:11

It's not about letting friends down though is it?
What else should he have done?
Would you expect your DH to ride home by himself?

beanieb Sat 09-Aug-08 13:41:52

"I know DH is going to arrive home absolutely knackered, expecting me to look after him, have sex with him, give him a lie in tomorrow"

he shouldn't expect sex, and you shouldn't have to have sex if you don't want to.

Oh and don't look after him! Do something for you, and leave him to look after your son.

lilymolly Sat 09-Aug-08 13:43:04

you DO sound a little resentful tbh
I am sure that is normal
I felt the same way- still do and dd is 2.7 and I am pregnant with no 2.
DP is gonna get the shitting shock of his life when no 2 arrives as he WILL have to give up a lot more than he did when there was only 1. Ha Ha Ha grin

As regards to looking after him and having sex and lie in hmm
tell him to fuck off angry

Naetha Sat 09-Aug-08 13:43:05

Problem is, I know when he gets home I'm not going to be able to stop crying. It's been one of those weeks. He's going to think I'm trying to emotionally blackmail him (which I'm genuinely not - sometimes I just can't stop the tears) and chances are will storm off to bed.

It feels like I've got the worst PMT ever on top of this (probably why I can't stop crying), but I have no idea as I haven't had a proper period yet.

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