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To not let ex p see dd due to violence

(24 Posts)
mamachat Sat 09-Aug-08 09:33:21

On a daily basis he is not violent and is a good dad, but he was violent towards me infrount of 1year old dd a few days ago because I went for a night out and came home late.

He also took dd out of my house to his housem at 2am, just to get at me.

I feel if he was able to be aggressive and hit me infrount of dd who was screaming what else will he do to upset her to get at me...

My sister is making me feel as tho I am being unreasonable as I said he will have to take me to court to see dd.... (I did not really say he hit me but did say he was being aggressive).

I have only got a few slight brusies but it is the principle not the size of my brusies that I am taking into account...

lazaroulovespastries Sat 09-Aug-08 09:35:40

I hope he doesn't get access, what a prick.

lulumama Sat 09-Aug-08 09:37:08


i hope you have good legal advice

your sister does not know the whole story does she? why not tell her, then see if she still thinks you are being unreasonable

if he is prepared to use a one year old as a way to get at you , then i would do all i could to keep him away

mamachat Sat 09-Aug-08 10:06:20

I feel embarressed to tel her the whole story, and to be honest I think she would still not think it is a big deal as her and her husband have been much more violent to each other in the past.

I did tell her how he took dd out and was shouting infrount of her and she was upset by it all. But my sister is saying he uis usually very good with dd, which I admit he is.

But what if in the future I did something that made him really unhappy like met a new partner what extremes would he go to then to upset me. And he knows dd so so important to me that is why he used her.... sad

lulumama Sat 09-Aug-08 10:06:58

do you have a lawyer?

mamachat Sat 09-Aug-08 10:07:12

I do not have any legal advice, but I suppose I better start looking into it, I don't have a clue where to strat tho...

lulumama Sat 09-Aug-08 10:07:35

mind you, does he have the same rights as if he were your ex husband? does he have parental responsibility etc.?

lulumama Sat 09-Aug-08 10:07:54

go to the CAB,they can point you in the right direction

mamachat Sat 09-Aug-08 10:12:31

I think I will go to CAB next week, he is not on her birth certificate as we had problems throughout the pregnancy, so I would not let dd have his surname so he refused to put his name on her birth certificate...

lulumama Sat 09-Aug-08 10:13:27

i hope you get sorted, you and your DD deserve better

mamachat Sat 09-Aug-08 10:14:09

I don't actually want to stop him from seeing dd. I am quite upset that I have to take him to court because he is such an arse and a bully.

I feel bad for dd as normally he is a great dad, but I cannot wait for the next time when he flips, it could be at my dd....

lisad123 Sat 09-Aug-08 10:16:24

call the womans aid line, they are fab.
0808 2000 247

you are right, he sonds nasty. If he must see your DD, do it though family or a contact centre so you dont have to see him.


newforoldspeaksforhughjars Sat 09-Aug-08 10:21:12

Is the split recent?
Also, is there anything in your medical records or police records to show that there have been violent incidents? Has this been a regular occurrence or have there been one or two incidents recently?

My dd's father was violent on a regular and sustained basis. He also used drugs and alchohol to excess and had mental health issues.

When we ended up in court, i had medical and police evidence of all the prevfious events and this resulted in him initially being refused PR, only allowed 1 hr supervised access per month and not being allowed to know our address, telephone number or dd's school details in future.

My barrister asked all of the questions i've just asked above. The reason they do this is because if the incidents have started around the time of the split and the ex is otherwise a good parent, they will not look kindly on access being witheld and would order some sort of access schedule. The thinking behind this is that both parties can become upset and do things they wouldn't otherwise do during a split.

It sounds like your ex was babysitting in your home?
If so, don't do this in future. If you want to go out arrange an alternative, that way your ex won't have the opportunity to become aggressive.

There are two things you could and should do.

1. Arrange for someone else to do the handover of dc so that you and ex get a cooling off period. No contact between the two of you unless you need to discuss the kids. If you need to speak keep it polite and matter of fact.

2. Arrange to attend mediation. You can both air your views and concerns in a neutral setting and perhaps negotiate a more amicable relationship.

mamachat Sat 09-Aug-08 10:33:09

Yes the split was recent, I will not let him in my house again, I did not think he had any reason to be violent.

He has been violent a few times in the past but it is not a regular thing... This is the first time I have been to the police...

I am taking it to court for assult, so have reported it to police. They told me to go to docs to show brusies so it is now on my medical records...

The problem is I am not sure if I should let him be alone with dd incase he wants to use her to get at me again. As I said he is normally a great dad...

solidgoldbrass Sat 09-Aug-08 10:40:50

GOod that you have reported it and got it on your medical records. You do need to see a lawyer and you have a good chance of getting this man to be forbidden contact other than supervised access in a contact centre.
However, you will need a good sympathetic lawyer just in case your XP gets a good lawyer who suggests that it was OK for your XP to assault you because you might have been Seeing Other Men (there are a lot of stupid people who think that sexual jealousy justifies violence and criminal damage and not all of them are men, either).
If he is a good dad and a good person and not a moron, he may well calm down and accept that he is no longer your partner and therefore your social life is none of his business (It's true that lots of people start behaving horribly when couples break up - it's contemptible but there is a difference between someone doing all the thwarted-romance bulshit and a longterm domestic abuser). IN time, you might be able to become friendly if not good friends but right now you need space between you and him.

newforoldspeaksforhughjars Sat 09-Aug-08 10:41:20

Ah, if you have reported it to police and doctor and you are also uncomfortable with leaving dd alone at the moment then you really should see a solicitor and request that contact only goes ahead through a contact centre until the criminal case is settled.

You should book an appointment asap with a solicitor who specialises in family law.
You need to instruct him/her to write formally to your ex this week explaining that unsupervised contact is not going to be feasible but that you are arranging for supervised contact (ie a contact centre) asap to allow the relationship between father and dd to continue.
You may also want to consider discussing an injiunction with the solicitor to prevent your ex coming to your home or approaching you in the street.

Your ex would probably respond by employing his own solicitor and making an application through the family courts for a contact order.
He would be unlikely to be granted unsupervised contact until the criminal case is resolved, also the magistrate would normally direct cafcass to prepare a report and then review after the criminal case is resolved as there has been a recorded incident of violence involving the child.

The normal outcome in a case like yours would be that there would be a period of supervised access, (6-12 month)which would be reviewed, at that point if there have been no more incidents and dd is happy then you would move on to short periods of unsupervised access which would build up over a couple of yrs to overnight staying contact.
You would be able to stipulate that all handovers were done by a neutral party.

mamachat Sat 09-Aug-08 10:46:35

oh yes also when the police arrested him he had my home phone bill in his pocket, so maybe he thinks I have been calling other men off my house phone.

I don't know where this all came from as that was my first proper night from the birth of dd who is 13months. I sit down every night bf dd, so have no clue why he would think I am seeing other men...

mamachat Sat 09-Aug-08 10:48:50

At the moment he has bail conditions that say he is not allowed near me or my home...

I think I should get a solicitor to write to him asap re contact with dd...

I am upset that it has come to this and I feel dd will now have to miss out on a good relationship with her dad..

Mamazon Sat 09-Aug-08 10:50:29

sadly violent men do gain access through the courts (my ex was very violant on a daily basis in front of teh children)

my best advice is to get a VERy good legal team behind you and fight as hard as you can.

until it goes to court you are well within your rights to forbid access. you can also state that he may flee with teh child as he has already abducted her once before.

newforoldspeaksforhughjars Sat 09-Aug-08 10:58:52

Your dd won't necessarily miss out though. You said that you think he is a good parent to dd, as long as he can behave himself there is no reason why they cannot still have a good relationship.

The relationship between your dd and your ex is his responsibility. He will be the one who either stops any further abuse and moves forward to a future relationship where his contact time with dd is uninnterrupted or he will continue to behave like a twat and find that his contact arrangements are complex and difficult.

Your only responsibility is to ensure that dd is available for agreed contact times as long as there are no further incidents.

Please don't feel upset about this, you are doing the right thing for your daughter by reporting and prosecuting. You are showing your ex that there are boundaries and consequences.
You are showing your daughter that you are a strong capable woman who cares enough about herself and her dd's safety to put an end to youe ex's aggressive behaviour.

mamachat Sat 09-Aug-08 15:50:58

gosh he has already contacted my mum and sister asking to see dd, I will have to find a lawyer asap to write to him to arrange for him to see dd as do not want my family to be in the middleof it all...

It is hard enough coping with my clingly dd without all this...

solidgoldbrass Sat 09-Aug-08 18:32:37

Get a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. Refuse all contact till it has been sorted out legally and send him the message( prefaraboy through either a neutral meium like emalil or an independent party, that you are not allowing contact without a third party present; you are not forbidding contact but his violent behaviour means that he can only see dd in designated safe place with a third party present: you can do this, you have it on record that he has been violent.

beanieb Sat 09-Aug-08 18:41:40

I think I read your other post, where you went out and your Ex took your daughter to his flat?

I think for the time being you should keep your distance and keep your daughter away from him.

dittany Sat 09-Aug-08 18:42:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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